Am I the problem?

[Rainb03Donut]

I am in a vey on and off again relationship of 5 years. We have recently been to our first couples counselling appointment and things had been going well.

My mental health has hit rick bottom the past few weeks and I communicated to my partner that I was struggling to gain the courage to spend time at his place. It didn't feel safe as so much had happened leading up to going to the counsellor. Note, he is not physically abusive and while it does feel verbally or emotionally abusive at times my anxiety about going there is about issues I have with safe spaces and the fact there is some irrational thought there atm due to how I am feeling. I was meant to go there tonight to try get over this hurdle. He had also hurt his back, so I had planned on looking after him.

When I got there he was talking to me about something, I responded with general concern about it and he felt as though I was offering advice instead of listening and also lead with judgement instead of curiosity and care. All valid comments. Before he communicated this he said 'do you know a better way of communicating that'  this triggered me and I stared him down. I am sick to death of being belittled and spoken down to, he felt this vibe and immediately went to what we learned at counselling and explained how he felt when I reacted the way I did. I felt it was a good and productive discussion. When he finished I said I would take some time to consider what he said and I wanted to think about how I could better turn up for a conversation like this next time. Rather then me spending time explaining to him why I said what I said.

Then I wanted to talk about his comment earlier and how i feel belittled and scolded. It all turned to shit here. I was accused of making it about me. I think he was annoyed I kept talking about it when I said I would take time to think about it...... But I don't see me wanting to discuss how a comment affected me as the same discussion.

The whole conversation from here felt like me desperately trying to be heard and understood while also trying to stick up for myself.... it's OK for me to talk about my feelings if I have made space for how he feels and considered what he has communicated he can do the same for me, it's not selfish to do this at any time. I dont think it is. Or is it?

It just went on and on from there. I was accused or so many horrible things. Including contonuing the argument to make myself feel better so I could bitch to my friends????? I am so isolated from getting emotional support from my friends because he has drilled into me they dont like him because of what i have told them. I am riddled with guilt about this already the last thing I am going to do is talk to them about this.

He kept saying I was going on and on about it and then going back to how I wronged him in the conversation. He gave some more context and explination as to how he felt which I still listened to quietly with an open mind and ears.

He said he already told me what he said was condescending but I swear that was after it already turned into an argument from him causing issue with me bringing it up in the first place. I feel like I am losing my mind. 

He cried I never see him cry. He said 'why are you doing this, why do.you keep doing this to me'. I feel like the worst fucking person. Then my gut tells me this is not ok and I am being controlled and manipulated. But that's what he accuses me of. How do i know if it's me or if I need to get away from this?

The context of whatever I bring up is always different but the discussion turning toxic and into an argument is always the same. It's a pattern on repeat. He swears black and blue I'm the problem. I don't feel like the problem though. Everytime this happens I apologise and try to reconcile. I left his house he wasn't talking to me I'm worried about his mental health and how he is doing. But I am not doing well myself and I don't know of I just don't contact him. If I contact him and make sure he is OK but I'm honestly worried it will just end in more hurtful comments and discussions that will then cause me to get my back up and then we are arguing all over again. If I just say I don't think we can communicate without hostility atm let's take time and we can talk at our next appointment Monday..... Or if I walk walk away. How do u know if you are in a toxic and unhealthy relationship that isn't being caused by your own behavioir? If this is my fault I want to fix what I am doing wrong. But I'm terrified...... I am allowing my lack of self worth and desperation to accommodate people excuse behaviour that is not ok and instead taking on all the blame myself.

[therising]

Hi Rainb03Donut

Gee feelings can be a tough thing to get a better sense of and master. Kinda like 'Should I be feeling more for myself here or more for the other person or should I be feeling for the both of us at the same time? If so, how do I feel for the both of us at the same time?'. Then there can be the matter of 'fighting the good fight'. 'Do I fight for my feelings to be heard on this occasion or do I walk away in order to save my own sanity?'. My heart goes out to you as you try so hard to gain a better feel for things.

With feelings strongly relating to sensitivity, I've found it's also about gaining a better sense of things. In other words, becoming more sensitive but doing so in constructive ways. For example

• what do I sense my triggers are? What do I sense as an up shift or a down shift within me?
• am I sensing the other person's need to resolve issues but on their terms all the time?
• am I sensing the other person's frustration based on me often putting my feelings first?
• am I sensing myself suppressing what I want or need to say, out of fear?
• what the heck am I actually sensing? Is this a new feeling I've never felt before or an old familiar feeling that I've never been led to identify? Am I sensing a familiar feeling but at a whole other level? While I may have felt what intolerance feels like before, is this a first time feeling of extreme intolerance?

and the list goes on.

I think what can make 'getting a better feel for things' or 'gaining a better sense of things' so hard can come down to the fact that most of us were never taught how to better understand our feelings and work with them, when we were growing up. All of a sudden, as an adult, the need arises.

I wonder whether what you're sensing about your partner's place is dread. Do you dread going there, based on how things often turn out (stressful, upsetting, depressing etc)? Is it a dreadful place to be in? Would you say you try to be a reasonable person, often giving reasons for why you think and feel the way you do? Does your partner listen to reason or is he someone who refuses to open his mind and listen to reason, more often that not? Who out of the 2 of you tends to wonder the most? 'I wonder what the problem is here. I wonder whether if I gave a reason for why I think and feel the way I do this would help fix things. I wonder whether I have issues or it's him/her or is it both of us. I wonder if I just suppressed how I felt we'd be much happier' etc etc. Sorry 'bout that. So many questions, hey. As a gal who's asked myself so many questions within my marriage and other relationships (with family members, friends, work colleagues etc), I reached the conclusion 'I think I'm the only one on a quest to make a significant difference in my relationships, while trying to gain more understanding (self understanding included)'. I've found all significant quests hold a lot of questions. I also realised if no one else seems to asking key questions in ways that lead to some positive form of evolution, that is definitely something worth wondering about.

[tranzcrybe]

The problem for the night is the coming of the day, and the fears for the day are of the ensuing night. Both are dependent and independent at the same time, but neither can exist simultaneously.