Taking control of your life eludes so many of us with mental issues. There are the common reasons, we possess guilty feelings if our decisions mean rejecting others, our decision might result in less contact, our decisions might mean we move away. And there is the feeling we have that we are selfish.
While other people are important there is NO ONE more important than the members of our immediate family...who ever they might be. Immediate family are those half dozen or so close members or a best friend.
Christmas however is another level altogether. There we are meeting people we haven't seen all year long and making every effort to please them. Family members we detest from the moment we dread their physical embrace to when they leave and we exhale heavily as they drive off. Well its time to make some changes don't you think?
Why attend a family xmas gathering only to sight an uncle that sexually abused you? Obligation?
We need to embrace our needs, as part of our recovery ritual. Tough love can often be used on our children and loved ones when they need it, then we need the same. Tough decisions is to prevent you being a victim to narcissists, to defend us against nasty, incompatible and even evil relatives that make our festive time excruciating and causes us to dwell on that annual meeting for days....enough!
Google Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue
In that thread I mention the need to rid our lives of toxic people. Sure give them chances to change but some of these people we see once a year have done horrendous things to us and don't deserve a second chance. We have every right to draw an imaginary line of tolerance in the sand. People can be manipulating for example and time and time again we forgive them not realizing their nature is what it is, that that manipulation will never change? Perhaps in the short term change is noticeable but a year or two later the same event reoccurs? When is enough?
I'd suggest enough is when you are no longer comfortable with that persons company to the point whereby you are upset for more than a few hours. That's my gauge but you can have your own and that judgement might include opinions from your spouse.
The biggest issue here is the effect of such a decision to ban these abrasive people from your life.. that such decision is hard for you to make on a personal level and hard because of risk of conflict.
Try discussing such decisions earlier in the year. Be reasonable but firm, control your life.
Tony WK
