In-house Seperation

[Lang3]

A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.

Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me

we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of

18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs

during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off

Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue

at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages

my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife

after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted

after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them

problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy

I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else

I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late

we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual

I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault

how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other

I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I

support required

lang3

[Lang3]

No it wasn't his wife. It was the girl who I had the original affair with. Pretty sure that this was the final nail in the marriage.

I am finding out more information daily about the my wife and the psych. It was more than she said originally. I knew this.

They aren't seeing each other as he doesn't want to speak to her. She has tried contacting him because he is currently suspended from practicing. And rightfully so. He has called it off. I find is ironic that he especially risked so much to be with my wife. Then all of a sudden wants nothing to do with her. I hope he never works in the profession again. Waiting on an investigation. I have sent his wife messages explaining more about the extent of it she hasn't replied to anything

In one sentence my wife says it's over completely and no going back and then later in the day she has rang me ten times about day to things that we would normally speak about. I find these mix messages hard.

Had a better day yesterday. Still hard but tried to focus on the kids and the good things they are doing. Talking to anyone helps calm me down.

I just want the thoughts to stop and over thinking everything. As I write this at 5am in the morning.

at the moment I live in hope.

Lang3

[geoff]

hi Lang, when you think of it some qualified psych has an affair only to ruin his whole career, and now being suspended, what a tarnish this has put on him, but how stupid he must have been.
It reminds me of a pharmacist where I live, who was always well respected being arrested for making and selling drugs and being hooked up with the trade, now he and his wife, also a pharmacist have lost everything they studied for, all gone down the drain.
Kids are pretty resilient, but they may have to take a little while to adjust, but do you think they would like to see a happy dad or a happy mum in two different loctions, than seeing both parents who are arguing so the household isn't pleasant.
Even if you do separate then you will be able to do what ever the kids want to do without any back-lash, the kids will be happy and so will you.
I'm not meaning to suggest that this happen because you have to decide yourself, but I remember there were so many times when I was dragged along with my wife and 2 sons to something that I never wanted to go. Geoff.

[Lang3]

Geoff

Thats the hard part for me is that. They both risked everything for what. He has no job and income and has the affect on his kids now. For what. I know looks after everything but my wife was a fair step up for him.

he said he loved his job more than his wife. There are also reprocusions for my wife also. She works with his wife. She could lose her job as the ethos at her work place does not condone this. More than other work places. I have asked how did they think it would end. He now has lost his job and a potential law suit. He destroyed any chance i had.

I moved out in December and we were separated from the start of September. It is around this time not all started. I worked my butt off to show my wife I am a better person and gave her space and had the kids as much as I could only now to know i was helping them get together.

The kids enjoy coming to my house and agree they wound rather two happy parents.

I have asked her to read a book making couples happy. It relates to our marriage a lot and gives practical excercises to improve. I just want the opportunity.

Thanks

Lang3

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Lang. I certainly admire your courage in all of this. I think the only thing you can do is be the best person you can be and the best father to your children. Through ongoing integrity, courage, kindness and calmness you can only succeed in bringing them up to be well adjusted adults. This will also help you focus on the right path. If your wife sees the light then she can pursue you. Don't do all this for your wife though, do it for you and your children. Be their rock.

[Lang3]

This is so hard. I hate myself for what I have done. I put our marriage on the path where we are and at the time couldn't see the importance of it. Now it is too late. The saying 'you only what you have got until its gone.'

I have a good wife who is a good mother and friend. I miss her so much. Why can't she see the importance of us and forgive and move forward together. Just spent the last hour looking through photos of us and all the good times we have shared.

I'm not this type of person. No one could hate me more than i hate myself right now. I feel I getting into the darker cloud everyday. I am excercising catching up with friends. It's the alone time when I can't sleep. I just think and think.

I know we both have the skills to work through it. It's just that she doesn't want too. I love her. I can forgive her and be the type of person she wants. I would do anything just to have the opportunity to show her.

All this is so hard and draining. I just want it to go away.

Lang3

[Lang3]

This is were I am at.

I am struggling at various times throughout each day. I'm having moment of this is good and moments of I hate this and the thoughts consume me.

I have done a lot of reading about separation and how to behavior. Trying the tactics of not talking about the issues we have and focus on the kids. Doing my best not to react. Not perfect yet but getting better.

I have the kids at the moment and feel lonelier than ever. I miss been together with the kids. I miss my wife. It is hard to for others to understand because they aren't in the situation.

I hope she knows what she is doing and can be happy. I know one day I will be happy again. I just know it's a while off.

Writing down my feelings and setting goals each day. Trying to achieve them.

Trying to smile and be the best I can be.

lang3

[Apollo_Black]

Hang in there man you're doing great. It's a hard road, but you're stronger than you think. Keep being the rock for your children.

No one will understand. Hats the kicker. Just keep being the rock.

You're doing great. Keep it up

[Lang3]

Is has been a while since my last post.

Have had more good days than bad, but the bad days are really bad. A week ago I hit rock bottom. Couldn't control my emotions and cried a lot. The kids pushed and pushed me. I was awful to them. Yelling at everything they did. this didn't help me emotionally.

I have really started to accept that the marriage is over. I am trying my best but it is difficult. I still love my wife very much.

Easter was hard at the beach. I felt extremely lonely down there with the kids and seeing all the families together. The reason we bought the van was for this reason. We are now selling it as it is not how I want to experience the van. My wife came down on the weekend and stayed a night. Separate beds.

We spent Easter Sunday together doing family things. Egg hunt, lawn bowls, markets, chips on the beach. If you didn't know you would have noticed anything. I can't do that anymore. I know it is good for the kids but not for me. If she can't see the importance of trying for the family if there is still feelings there then after the weekend she isn't going to see it.

My wife had the children yesterday and I am trying not to react negatively. I was proud when she rang up and demanded i have the children for a couple of hours and started yelling at me. I just hung up and rang back 15 minutes later and asked her to speak calmly and ask and not just expect.

It is extremely sad. I love her and want our marriage to work. But I know I have to get myself into a better mind frame and do what is best for me. I need to develop my happiness again. Not easy but I am working hard at being grateful for things in my life. I have written at diary for the last three weeks and using a gratitude journal to write down things i am grateful for.

A long way to go but at least now I'm in the road.

Lang3

[geoff]

hi Lang, nice to hear back from you, and I know how hard it is when your marriage breaks up, that's how I felt when that time came, I had no decision than to accept it, because the two of us couldn't live together any more, because she couldn't help me with my depression and self medicating with alcohol.
I still loved her and even do today, but she is staying with an older fellow who has everything she hated in me still annoys me, but I can't do anything about it, just as if I was living with another person, which I'm not and probably won't ever do again, as I can do what and when I do things.
There will be days when you are low and feel miserable, I'm sorry that will have to happen, days when your memory will take you back to those happy times and wonder why you can't have them any more, but will slowly dwindle away, and if you try to raise them with your wife, she will not respond back to you the way you would hope her do, that's why they dwindle away.
Just remember that your kids are still there for you and will love you no different than they do for your wife. Geoff.