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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Squeezer Clinical term for being demeaned in a hidden way
  • replies: 3

Greetings all. I was wondering if any psychologists might be able to provide me with a clinical term (and further definition if possible) about being demeaned in a veiled way. When I was 10 years old my older sister made me a birthday card that had a... View more

Greetings all. I was wondering if any psychologists might be able to provide me with a clinical term (and further definition if possible) about being demeaned in a veiled way. When I was 10 years old my older sister made me a birthday card that had a lovely poem in it. However, the poem was all about how that, now I was 10, there should be no more tears or tantrums, how I should clean my room, etc. Now, this might seem like quite a benign message, but it was written up in a birthday card!!! (and for the world to see). I sometime think back to that and feel it was quite demeaning. I have tried to search for various terms to describe it (passive aggressive, emotional abuse, etc), but none of these really quite get to the nub of it. I did hear a psychologist on the radio one day discussing a topic very similar to this, but I cannot for the life of me remember the term she used. Appreciate any assistance and links to literature. Cheers

Only_the_lonely Why cant my family accept me and my wife??
  • replies: 3

Hello. I am in my late 40's, being married over 20 years and have two daughters, 16 and 11. I have always been the "dedicated worker" in the family who was always lending assistance around the home. Now I do the same at home with my wife and kids and... View more

Hello. I am in my late 40's, being married over 20 years and have two daughters, 16 and 11. I have always been the "dedicated worker" in the family who was always lending assistance around the home. Now I do the same at home with my wife and kids and my family is envious of my wife. I am old school and I respect my family members to the point I never say any bad words to them. They have always picked on my wife and even threatened her with death messages. I have now broken up any contacts with them as they will always pick on my and my wife. My mum, being the main head of the family does more to add fuel to fire as she also is jealous of my wife. What I fail to comprehend is they hurting my wife is also hurting me and sending me intimidating text messages against her. My dad left us when I was 15, and I had it hard since that age. I never had a girlfriend and did not leave home until I got married since I was committed to family responsibilities I got married overseas and my family was not there to witness it and they did not know my wife or her family. My mum lives in social housing, and I have always helped her with bills and provided financial assistance but I don't think she loves me but only wants my help. I did ask her on my birthday to help in mediation process but she totally denied saying it was too hard to do, without offering any assurance of support. It pains me NOT to feel any love from my mother as she had never been any support after our dad left and everything I have today is through our hard work. I do keep mentioning this to my wife who tells me to get over the fact that they (the family) do not love us or respect us so I don't know how to get over this issue as I don't have friends and work alone at home as well (as a remote office) I am a DIY guy who keeps himself busy with home projects and hobbies and I do my best to give attention to our kids. I also cook and clean the house and maintain the house and lawns. I feel so upset that family can really do this to you. I consider myself a nice guy who will bend over backwards for you. I am also religious and tend to do the right things and not to upset anyone for that matter and I am bad at confrontations so I am an easy target for my family members. I am also the send eldest in the family of 5 siblings. Any advise would be good. Thank you. Rob

charlotteB my husband needs help
  • replies: 4

Hi. I guess that i am new to this whole situation in many ways. I have had depression since I was 17, I'm on medication and speak regularly to a counsellor. I've been doing ok but lately its my husband. He had been out of work for two months over the... View more

Hi. I guess that i am new to this whole situation in many ways. I have had depression since I was 17, I'm on medication and speak regularly to a counsellor. I've been doing ok but lately its my husband. He had been out of work for two months over the christmas period, he didnt try to get another job. All he did was sit at home, get angry at our kids, yell at me and generally just mope around the house. It got to a point where the bills were stacking up, I have no job as I look after 3 kids under 5 years so my contributions to our bills are minimal. We got a reposession notice for our car and numerous calls about late payments on the bills. He blamed me for it all. This made me feel worse as for christmas my children got nothing. My younger unemployed sister bought groceries for us and i had never felt so terrible in my life. My husband just kept on doing nothing except be angry. Things got to a point a few weeks ago, when an argument turned into me and my kids hiding in the bathroom while calling the police. He had gotten so angry that he started to shake me and wouldnt let me go that I had to headbutt him in order to get away. Im on blood thinners, so this wasnt the best option but i did it in self defence. Needless to say, police came and I apparently was in the wrong. I had to leave my home with my children (5, 3 and 10 weeks old) I also had to go to court for it, even though he told police he was shaking me first. I have never been so embaressed in my life. Im heartbroken as I left a DV relationship before i met my husband 5 years ago. He was my rock when I was going through the legal system back then to get custody of my 5 year old. Now, all I want to do is stay in bed. Hubby moved out two weeks ago and wants to come back, but i cant let him. Partly because he's traumatised me and secondly because I feel he needs help. Hes clearly angry, and depressed but he cant see it. I told him that if he got proper help and started helping himself i would reconsider, but the longer he isnt around the happier i am. My kids are happier. Its like a dark cloud is gone. I feel bad for feeling like this but i cant help it. Im using this time to reassess my life but i dont want to feel bad about the possibility of moving forward without him. Im still in the mindset that a leopard never changes his spots and i think now our marriage might be over for good.

ht2216 Extremely difficult break up with Zero friends to help me through this..
  • replies: 5

E and I met when we were 14 years old and became very close friends (we're now in our mid-20s). As we grew older and were in serious relationships, we became distant as we spent more time with out partners. 4 years later, E and I grew closer as he we... View more

E and I met when we were 14 years old and became very close friends (we're now in our mid-20s). As we grew older and were in serious relationships, we became distant as we spent more time with out partners. 4 years later, E and I grew closer as he we opened up about our physically, mentally and emotionally abusive partners. E and I were each other's only support. The closer we got, the more our feelings for each other showed. We began to realise that we were in love. We cheated on our partners for a few months before they figured us out. E and I stayed together, but we lost all our friends. Since then, for the past 4 years, we lived together and have only had each other - no other friends. I did my best to keep him happy with me but I started to feel over the past year that he stopped trying for me. When I've tried to talk to him about any problems he never wanted to discuss them and it would turn into a s**tfight with him shoving me around, yelling at me, telling me I'm an annoying b*tch, spoiled brat, think I'm better than everyone, controlling, always interrogating, I've ruined his life, he's lost everything because of me, that he's chosen the wrong person to be with, I'm worthless and useless, that he doesn't need or want me.. I've asked him not to speak to me like that and explained to him what it does to me inside. He's told me he still loves me only to do it again next time we fight, and it's so hurtful that I've stared to believe it. He's made new friends at work who he now goes out with a lot. I'm glad that he has friends, but in the past when I've suggested we should go out for dinner/lunch or watch a movie, he's tired or has no money. I couldn't take it anymore and left him. Now I'm alone because I don't have him around. He was my only friend. I have no friends to talk to or go out with. I don't drive so I can't do things to keep occupied. There's no one to give me advice or reassurance. I sit at home alone crying every day, knowing that he has friends to talk to now and probably making me look like the bad guy. I've been staying back to work each day for and extra 4-5 hours without getting paid, just so that I don't have to be alone. My workmates tell me to go home but I tell them I'm behind on work. I don't look forward to anything and have nothing to work for anymore. I don't get hungry so I've lost 5kg in the last 10 days. I don't mean anything to anyone now. I'm nothing. I have no one. I just don't know what to do since I have nobody.

Eppi monster in law
  • replies: 7

I need some advice or point in the right direction on coping/deali g with my monster of a mother inlaw. My husbamd and I have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous marriage whom my husband has taken on as his own as my ex husband is not on... View more

I need some advice or point in the right direction on coping/deali g with my monster of a mother inlaw. My husbamd and I have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous marriage whom my husband has taken on as his own as my ex husband is not on the scene at all. Everything was fine until we had our first child together and suddenly my 2 were not treated as equals by my MIL. My 2nd child was diagnosed on the autism spectrum where she bluntly daid my eldest one had issues and needed to be checked also. Every decision my husband and I have made together she has attacked me for it. Where we have sent the eldest children to school, selling his car that he'd spent years working on and putting in car shows but was not practical for our growing family nor was it affordable to maintain. We both sold shares to pay for our wedding but selling his was a problem. I work but I do nothing but work my husband to the ground as I apparently contribute nothing to the household. She would come to the home and verbally attack me every chance she got. As a family unit we decided that she cant come to our house due to not being able to be nice and if she wanted to see the kids it was all of them equally or none at all. Now she rings my husband and is constantly at him about me destroying who he is as a person and has started attacking my parenting skills. Regardless of how many times my husband tells her enough is enough she doesnt listen because I am the problem. I dont know what to do anymore. Attending major family functions like engagements and weddings cause me to have major panic attacks and its becoming harfer and harder to remain civil because she tells everyone how i have ruined her sons life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks

Janksie Mother in law issues
  • replies: 6

Hi, I don't know how to begin all that is running in my mind. Ok here goes, I am living with my inlaws since I got married 8 years ago. They are usually very nice people, they care for me, genuinely concerned for me and only wish the best for me. In ... View more

Hi, I don't know how to begin all that is running in my mind. Ok here goes, I am living with my inlaws since I got married 8 years ago. They are usually very nice people, they care for me, genuinely concerned for me and only wish the best for me. In spite of knowing all that, I still have issues with my mother in law. Since I have come,she is always pointing out my mistakes, at first I took it lightly and told myself I'm learning it's ok but even now she picks on every little detail. It has gone to the point where my self esteem has dropped and I look at myself a a bad daughter in law and a loser. When I got my little boy( he is 10 months now) I told myself I will take full responsibility of him that would include making his meals, his every detail I would cover it. My inlaws had told me well in advance that if we have a child, I have to do everything for that child and that they will not do anything to assist. This was quite clear and I was ready for it,she does most of the stuff for my husband, and my husband doesn't like my cooking.now when I'm cooking for my son my way,she interferes, and keep trying to correct what in her eyes are mistakes and wrong, she is very concerned, if my baby crawls on the floor' oh he is getting dirty, don't put him on floor!' But the floor is clean. If my food for him doesn't taste good and my baby doesn't eat well " no wonder your food isn't nice, I will make nicer" so it really gets to me. I try to be calm but sometimes I just want to scream at her that it is my baby!!! i am always stressed now and these issues have built up and made me depressed and am on medication. What should I do? This everyday frustration gets to me. Oh and talking to her about it just makes things worse because she will cry for two days and my husband will probably not speak to me for a couple of days.

emotionallyconfused91 Is my personality destroying my relationship
  • replies: 2

Hi all, My partner and I have been together for 4 years (engaged for 3 of those) and while I have no doubts that he is my one and only, I fear that I'm driving him away with my stubbornness and insecurities. We don't fight all the time but when we do... View more

Hi all, My partner and I have been together for 4 years (engaged for 3 of those) and while I have no doubts that he is my one and only, I fear that I'm driving him away with my stubbornness and insecurities. We don't fight all the time but when we do all hell breaks loose and usually results in one of us leaving for a few hours/overnight/days. We had a fight today because he got some bad news and threatened to burn someones house to the ground and my response was "great". This spurred him to tell me that I am not supportive of him when things go wrong - which makes me really angry. He has since left the house to see a movie and crash at a friends place. He's told me in the past that he doesn't feel welcome in our home - which is awful, but I can't seem to change my ways. As soon as something happens I just can't help but explode it's like my rage just sits on the surface waiting for something to jump at! We've recently starting exercising together because it's meant to release endorphin's so I thought it would do us some good. He absolutely loves it which is great, but I hate it and find that it ruins my day and makes me angry and upset for the rest of the day. I literally cannot make any sense of what is going on with my mind or my emotions or my relationship and I feel like I am destroying my family. I don't know what to do...

mick02 No more romance
  • replies: 3

Hi all, Iam new to this and would like to share my story. I have been married 1 1/2 years iam 33 and my wife is 36, everything went well before marriage and just recently my wife seems to be ignoring when it comes to romance (let alone sex). Iam a br... View more

Hi all, Iam new to this and would like to share my story. I have been married 1 1/2 years iam 33 and my wife is 36, everything went well before marriage and just recently my wife seems to be ignoring when it comes to romance (let alone sex). Iam a bread winner and we dont have kids. My wife is not an australian resident yet as i have just sponsered her and she doesnt work at the moment. We are living well off and i really do care for her in a way a husband should be when it comes to fulfilling her needs and wants but sometimes it just never get apreciated the way one deserves. At night i urge to make love and romance but my wife never have that single feeling. All this was slowing down after 6 mnths of our marriage. I have sat down and discussed this with her but all i get in reslonse is SHUT UP. She sleeps at night facing her back to me and i approach her and cuddle her from the back but still she has no taste. I have so far discussed this issue with her 10 times but its not working. Iam tending to worry it more and more and getting to cope with stress and feeling nothing is working out . I feel that iam nothing on that bed for her and its all about just hitting the bed and going to sleep. Not kiss no hugs nor any romance its just getting more darker on my side where i cant even have a night sleep. She makes excuses of pain in her abdomen when i want to have sex so i let it go and took her to the doctors and the result was there is nothing wrong in her abdomen. It is really frustrating for me and iam loosing hopes. I urge for that romance and love from a wife and life partner but all i feel is lonely. I think sometimes its better to let it go and just have a another woman who can love me and appreciate me for who iam and be romantic, but iam already committed and what if my next women in my life is worst than this.i have asked her for her opinion about me if theres something wron in me that is making her withdraw from this but she never complained. If any idea on how to fix this then please help and advise.. appreciate your feedback friends... Mick..

KellyB Concerned about latching on to friends too hard
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I am a 25 y/o female and was diagnosed with depression two days ago by my GP, though I suspect I've had it for a very long time now. So far my mother and my best girl friend have been supportive; Mum checks in regularly to see how I'm doing... View more

Hi there, I am a 25 y/o female and was diagnosed with depression two days ago by my GP, though I suspect I've had it for a very long time now. So far my mother and my best girl friend have been supportive; Mum checks in regularly to see how I'm doing and to make sure I'm taking my meds, which I'm sure will get annoying after a while but for now it's appreciated, and my friend (we'll call her 'Beth') has been around to listen to me try to sort out my feelings about other things for the past few weeks (including the below). I also have a guy friend (I'll call him 'Drew') who has been good about spending time with me and distracting me when I need it. My issue right now is this: I'm concerned that I may come to latch on to these two friends and depend too much on them. This is not without precedent. Though Beth doesn't actually know them, Drew knows my other friends. It was through him that I made friends with 'Jack' and 'Josh' a few years back. Josh quickly became my best friend. We were incredibly close. So naturally, when things got hard, I turned to him. Quite unfairly, I put a lot of burdens on him. I wasn't even aware that I was doing it for a long time, just venting away my anxiety and general displeasure with my life. Then he started to avoid me. At first he took his time responding when I would message him, or had excuses as to why he couldn't hang out 'right now', and it progressed to him flat-out not acknowledging me when we're in the same place, or even when participating in the same conversation! I realised what was going on and sort of sat on my displeasure for a few months, hoping that I was mistaken and he really was that busy, before an incident where he literally looked me in the face and turned his back had me exploding at our other friend Jack in a moment of frustration. Afterwards, I was ashamed of myself, apologised as best as I could, and finally just asked Josh point blank why he was avoiding me. Turns out I was simply too negative for him to be around. I would be lying if I said I'm not still hurt over it. I was inconsolable for that night and the next day. Two days after the conversation, I managed to make my way to my GP. Two. Days. So, here I am, best-friend-less, and afraid that the same thing will happen again with my other friends. I keep apologising for complaining at them, but I literally cannot process what's going on unless I talk to someone about it, and my first appointment with a psychologist isn't until next week.

James18 My Wife Isn't Interested in Anything to do with our Relationship
  • replies: 5

Back Story: So I have been married for over two years now and we've been together for over 4 years. I work close to 60 hours a week. My wife works full time at the moment but wants to cut back to part time because the job is very tough for her. I spe... View more

Back Story: So I have been married for over two years now and we've been together for over 4 years. I work close to 60 hours a week. My wife works full time at the moment but wants to cut back to part time because the job is very tough for her. I spend my free time on weekends doing all the housework by myself and take full care of our two cats. For over the last year my wife has been getting more and more neglectful to the point I feel like she doesn't care about anything including me. Our sex life is almost non-existent and it's probably happened 4 times in the last year (Initiated by me every time). She doesn't want to help me with the housework as she claims she is always tired and I am forced to be responsible for all meals in our house. We fight almost every day about how I don't care for her and show her the emotional support she needs but I am never anywhere else and whatever I do isn't enough. I am going over the edge and don't know what to do. I feel like my emotions are being played with and that I am being used constantly. She will tell me how much she likes me and always wants to be with me but every opportunity she has I get blown off. I try to tell myself this is normal and I'm simply not doing enough but I don't know what else to do. Every second day I think about asking for a divorce but can't stand the thought of leaving her alone. I have tried to encourage her more and show her videos and talks about relationships. She keeps telling me that it'll get better and I shouldn't worry but nothing has changed in a very long time. I have read lots of books and feel like I am at the end of my rope and can't cope anymore. I have one side telling me to leave and one side telling me to seek more intense therapy etc. Someone please help me with some advice or tell me if this is normal? I'm caught in tug of war with emotions and sometimes I think there is only one way out... J.