A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.
Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me
we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of
18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs
during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off
Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue
at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages
my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife
after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted
after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them
problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy
I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else
I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late
we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual
I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault
how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other
I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I
Hey Lang, welcome to the forum. I'll keep my response brief because I like to see that you're going to come back before I invest into your story.
So what was the argument about on the wedding night? And when you say 10 - is that 10 years you haven't spoken with your family?? Was your affair physical? And has it ended? Has the marriage counseling done anything for your guys?
I hope you come back, sometimes getting you're story out there if nothing else is helpful.
Thanks for the response.
The argument was for a lot of things between my wife and family a big issue for us it is 10yrs
the affair originally started as emotional but became physical it has ended about 6 months ago
we have been seeing a councillor for about 8 months now it has helped in speaking about the family of origin and other issues we have had to deal with
for a month now we have trialled an in house separation for the children but over the last fortnight my wife's feelings seem to have changed a lot and had stated she needs space and privacy and wants to be happy and wants to find someone who will make her happy
during our last councilling session it came out about all this. We are currently in seperate beds.
I am extremely worried and paranoid about this I want to work it out but I think she is over all the issues
the main issues would be the family of origin she can't stand my parents for what they out us through during our wedding etc
i just want to fix it and be happy together we can still laugh but I am worried she is going to cone home one day and say she had met someone
I can't change the past and I want to fix it for us and our kids I love my wife and hate myself for what I did
thanks for coming back. It sounds like there's a lot going on - and all the family issues aside I suppose you need to work out what you're prepared to accept and do to move forward. I mean, can you accept ongoing distance from your family? Can you accept this? And regarding your wife there's the trust thing - it's hard but it can be rebuilt. But you can't control her willingness to continue. It sounds cliched but you can only control your own actions, not hers.
It's a lot of work on your part, a lot of hard work but if you are willing to commit.......
I know I'm not you, but I'd be doing what I could control, like commiting to the family, being an awesome dad to the kids, doing my share of parenting, maintaining the house, keeping fit, getting enough sleep, eating right, that kind of thing. As hard as it is, try not to think about what your wife is doing or thinking, or transmitting this in your actions. Do these things not to win favours or anything like that, do it for yourself. Become the best person you can for yourself and hopefully your wife will see that too. Try not to dwell on your guilt. Have you looked up Athol Kay? He has some good resources on saving marriages. You can also get good advice from his forum, very good advice.
There is a lot going on. It is a difficult situation with my parents. I have scaled back the contact because I am unsure as what is happening in the marriage. I have my own issues with them and I how I communicate with them.
Ideally I would love a lot more contact. My wife doesn't want anything to do with them. I would accept this and keep the relationship between myself and the kids. This would require a lot of communication and trust from both sides.
I know I can only control me and not her. I am trying to be a better father and occupy myself with other jobs. It is hard to control anger at times when the kids are been kids! It makes me feel worse when I end up yelling at them because of the frustration I have with the marriage. It is very hard to sleep at the moment. I think about us all the time. I need to show her the good. I have done a lot of reading about saving marriages in the last 36hrs.
I will give the Athol Kay a look up and have a read.
Indeed, make sure you have a good counsellor so you can work through the marriage stuff and your family stuff. Really be careful about being angry around your kids. I know it's hard but try not to show your anger around them and do your best not to yell at them - I can't stress this enough. That's why I recommend joining a gym or something, so you can take your anger/frustration out on something else - like boxing. Increasing your activity levels might help you sleep as well. Cut back on the alcohol and it goes without saying any other stimulants or drugs. Don't go to crazy on reading absolutely everything on the internet - but I know you will. If you do something, try one thing and stick to it. Hence why I recommend your best course of action:
1) hit the gym; rigorous exercise will not only get you into shape (if you're not already) but you'll feel better and likely emit more positive energy
2) don't do anything that will trigger your wife into "active trust" mode (Google this by Athol Kay) - ie: anything to remind her of your affair
3) spend as much time with your kids as possible; but remember not to take any built up anger/frustration out on them. Awesome dad returns!
4) think about what's holding you back (like the "red flags" in your life; eg: too much sugar, alcohol, watching porn, not pulling your weight around the house, etc) and cut them out one by one
5) focus on becoming awesome for yourself and less on worrying about whether or not your wife may or may not leave you. Ie: improve yourself because you want to, not to gain favour from your wife. If your self improvement brings her back to you, that's a bonus!
6) if this is not the case already - try and do more as a family perhaps, even if it's just short outings on the weekend. Focus on good times if you can.
I dunno - these are things that are worth a try. I'm trying to to add my personal influence. I am however really concerned about your side of the family and the dynamics there. It's always going to be present, and a huge "red" that needs sorting. I'd read Athol's books, and if you have the funds, arrange a 1 hour Skype consult with him - he's awesome.
I have read all your thread here. I few things popped into my mind. I totally agree with Apollo Black about not taking anger and frustration out on your children. Or anyone else for that matter. Anger can be very destructive and is a powerful poison when lashed out on someone else. Good advice there about redirecting or letting it out at the gym instead. I know a couple of people that simply go outside and go for a long run. And they come back much calmer. Also if you do stuff up and take your anger out on your children, please go to them and ask them to forgive you. Tell them that you were feeling angry, and admit to them that you stuffed up and did the wrong thing. And that taking anger out on someone as precious as them is really wrong. Give them a cuddle as well. That way you reassure them that you love them and also you are teaching them how to deal with anger the right way. ie not taking it out on someone else. ( Did that sound like a lecture? Sorry if it did)
Also did you ask your wife to forgive you and admit to her that what you did was wrong. And also say sorry to her in a gentle tone of voice for hurting her and betraying her trust. And that she too is precious. I only say this, because if she hears this coming from you well.....sometimes it does beautiful things to a woman's heart, perhaps win her back even. You are really sowing seeds of love here and she most likely will respect you for it.
( I tried to get to the point as best as I could, hope you are okay with what I said?)
Anyway you are a winner for posting on Beyond Blue. It is evident that you really do love your wife and little ones. And that you are remorseful for your actions regarding them. And I can see that it does make you feel worse when you yell at your little ones. But don't lose hope there....just ask them to forgive you, just like I mentioned above.
Thanks everyone for the words of advice. I really appreciate it.
I am trying to put a lot of advice into actions.
Have lifted the exercise and cut back on the alcohol etc really trying to put extra care into the children spending some quality time together
I am lifting my weight around the house with the cooking, washing etc
I have realised I can't control my wife's feelings for me I can only control my behaviours and attitude I am trying to give praise and show understanding of what she does thus has been a challenge as every now again she will remind me of something I did in the past that she wasn't happy with my common responses is I can't change that I can only learn from it and improve myself
I just told her a quote I gave her on our wedding night and she remembered it I also every couple of days I let her know I am not giving up without a fight
we can be good together she wants to live her own life at the moment as mentioned earlier I think a separation could be good for us to work out that we need time apart , time together and time as a family I would like to know that she has the same understanding currently it is different
is this a good approach to showing her how much I love her and are reflecting on me and how I can improve to be a better husband and father
i just miss her a lot and love her a lot
it is hard sleeping in another room and not able to give her a cuddle
It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted. Really struggling with the not knowing what will happen still in the same house but separate rooms I have expressed my feeling to her a number of times and that I am working hard to change myself for us I am extremely paranoid about her meeting someone
she is been very secretive about what she is doing and only giving me small bits of information she is very protective of her phone. an example of this is that she took our 4yr old to mini golf never done this before and happened to bump into our marriage councillor and his son I find this out for our son they also saw each other at the park a couple of days before all ver coincidental I jumped to conclusion and messaged him about it
this didn't go down well with the wife I rang and apologised
my daughter also told me she took a work call on a Saturday from a man she didn't hear anything else
she isn't telling me anything I pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone I just can't stop thinking she is.
Im not sleeping that well as when close my eyes i have hear thoughts of her and another person
what do I do sit and wait and hopefully she sees that she wants to work on the marriage or just say I can't live like this and move out or give a timeframe? She is currently saying she needs space and find out if she still is in love with me