In-house Seperation

[Lang3]

A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.

Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me

we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of

18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs

during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off

Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue

at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages

my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife

after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted

after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them

problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy

I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else

I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late

we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual

I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault

how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other

I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I

support required

lang3

[Lang3]

Apollo

the pysch is telling me in his words 'you need to lose the battle to win the war!'

he is saying step back and try and show her what life is like without me around all the time. Show the reality of the situation and how it looks and the difficulty of the situation.

I find this hard. It is a fine line between dropping everything and running at her beckon call and saying no I can't that wasn't organized that way. I feel for the kids as they aren't seeing me as much. Still basically on a daily basis but not in the morning.

I know she can't have her cake and eat it too.

I have had some advice and if it stays as is and we remain amicable then it will be ok.

No real agreement in place for moving out. If still the same in a month then look at the options of renting and parent plans. I have all the documents that need signing.

Thanks for the concern. One thing I did take from the psych was that is can't get any worse. I have been a lot more positive this week.

Thanks

Lang3

[Lang3]

It has been a while since posting.

Here goes. I have moved out of the house 3 months ago as the paranoia of thinking my wife was seeing someone was eating me up. It has all been revealed this week.

She has been having an affair with our marriage councilor! Yep! Couldn't believe. I had my suspicions about it but just thought a trained professional wouldn't jeopardize his career. It went on for about 4 months. It has broken me. The women I love and the person I trusted to help our marriage. I feel cheated and empty. I feel used by them both.

All the things I did during my affair and was constantly reminded of my wife has done the same.

There are a lot of fall out from this.

I am so torn. The way I feel at the moment is I still have feelings for my wife and hope to work it out. But knowing she developed strong feelings for him is hard to swallow.

I am also torn as to what i do with the information. I have sort legal advice against the professional conduct.

My wife also works with his wife! Tangled bloody web. There could be implications on my wife as the ethos of the place she works goes against everything she has done

They say it is over as he trying to save his career.

My wife has said that I sue there is no chance of us even tying to work it out. It took them a while to be fully open and honest as to what went on. She always had a go that I wasn't honest and told her the truth. I gave them chances and still lied until he couldn't handle it a rang me and told me most things.

I haven't slept fully in about two week s. I am struggling around the children and keep losing it because of the stress I am under.

I am seeing my pyscologist this week. I have found a rental to move into and out of my parents place.

A lot of me wants to sue and try and set myself and the kids up a little. But then I think about my marriage and how I want it to work.

I just need time to slow down and have clear head and make the right choices.

Lang3

[Apollo_Black]

This is all quite unbelievable. I am sorry. I think it's time to lock down and look after yourself and the kids. Make sure you've got sound legal advice. I think this guy is dreaming if he thinks he can "save his career". Make sure you report him. I hope you've agreed to some custody arrangements. You're saying she doesn't want to make it work?? She's still in an affair fog with him. As hard as it sounds you've got to keep it together for the kids. Rally family and friends, see your psychologist. Make sure you don't get shafted financially

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Lang,

If you don't report him, not only are you are allowing him to "get away with it," but you are letting him remain in a position where he can do it again to someone else.

The mere fact that your missus is holding back any chance of getting back together with you if you report him, is a clear statement that she cares more about him than you. IMHO she seems to be choosing him over you. You do know that you will never get back to what you had before?

A word cannot be unspoken, nor an act undone.

Where there is always a chance that people can get back together after an affair. There is a chance that they may start trusting one another again, or forgive each other, and even love each other again. But, there will always be that distrust about fidelity. And in your circumstance, likely never wholly trust her with your inner feelings again. I am sorry, but I am afraid that bubble has popped. IMHO if there is ever to be any chance of a new future together, you both must shed the past and prioritize yourselves before all others.

AB is right, rally your mates and fam. See your pysch, oh, and, I'd see a lawyer too.
SB

[Lang3]

Thanks for the advice. Still struggling to come to terms with what has happened.

the way I treated my wife wis excactly how she is treating me. It is awful. We don't hate each other but we don't trust each other. Can I ever trust again. At the moment no. In time and full disclosure then yes.

I feel the last 6 months are just a lie. I keep thinking of things and go straight to the negative. I want the information and feel I have be right to know if there is any chance.

However I am slowly coming to the realization that it is over and need to start thinking about me and making myself happy. I want to be wanted and I want to make someone feel special. I miss the company of my wife. Even when she annoys me. Lying in a bed by yourself doesn't feel right after spending the last 16 years next to someone who I love.

Had a good chat with my psych about it all and he was a bit blown away. As you would expect. I am taking it day by day. I find sleeping the hardest time to switch of the thoughts etc. hence I am writing this at 5 in the morning.

I just hope if or when my wife realizes the importance of us and how we can make it work it's not to late.

It is going to be a know long long road to moving forward be it together or alone. We both need to change and make the adjustments to our relationship for the each other.

We have a good understanding of the kids and at this stage it is very good. I am seeing them when I want and we share them. Have an appointment with RA about a parenting plan. This does need to be a bit more formal with some flexibility.

We cant change the past take back things we have said and done. All I can do is be the best person I can be and what will be will be.

Thanks.

lang3

[Lang3]

It has been a long 4 weeks since I found and subsequently found the depth of what they have done.

This whole thing is consuming me. I am struggling at work and making a number of basic mistakes and this adds to my frustration. I am having trouble switching off at anytime. My sleep patterns are terrible. I would be lucky to get 3 hours straight and then I toss and turn until I get up.

Have seen my doctor and he has prescribed me some antidepressant s. I am reluctant to take them. They dont actually start working for 4/5 weeks. I need something to stop my heart and mind racing. Just feel a constant shake in my body.

My wife and I are very stressed around each other and this is having an effect on the children.

Having my own place is helping as I have some where to take the kids.

We need space from each other to work out our true feelings for each other. Work it we do still love each other and want to make the changes to be together. I still love my wife very much. I miss the good that she brings. But the way those two have treated me is very hard to switch off from.

This is an extremely lonely time.

Lang3

[Lang3]

Nothing has gotten any better. Struggling to come to terms with that my wife is done and saying there is no coming back from what has happened. I am finding it hard to accept.

After I found out about her I rang the other women and met up. Not my greatest idea. I have told my wife this. It was eating me alive along with all the other stress. She didn't really care it just told her were we both are at.

At the moment I want my wife in my life as my wife. Not just the mother of the children. We have too much history to just throw it away. I wish she could see that. She had given me chances. I hate myself for not seeing it at the time. No one could hate me more than I hate myself right now.

I want the opportunity to try and make it right. I know a lot more about myself and what makes a good partner. I am on medication and that annoys me because I am not the type of person who needs that. Not that there is a type.

We are both still struggling to give that space. We are always going to have contact because of the kids. But I do want he contact.

I live in hope that she will see the importance of us. Hope is all I have. I think if could forgive her and trust her again. What we have done is out of character for both of us. We highly strung at the moment and need the space to work out our true feelings.

It is very hard.

Lang3

[geoff]

hello Lang, sorry to come into your post at a later stage, however I am interested, but just briefly if a spouse has a r/ship with someone else then sometimes the other half will never forgive them, no matter how hard they try, and as the saying goes 'the horse has bolted'.
If your wife by now doesn't want to be with you and back to being a married couple then your chances are virtually impossible, I'm sorry, but when my wife decided to divorce me there was no coming back, the marriage was over.
We still speak to each other but we could never live together again, I don't believe that your wish will ever come true. Geoff.

[Lang3]

Geoff

deep down I know you are right. Even after what she has done she still can't see the worth we are together.

We are still only separated and either of us isn't looking for a divorce.

It is hard. Hard for the kids. Hard for both of us.

Thanks.

[Apollo_Black]

Do you mean you met the pscyhologist's wife?? I don't mean to pry but if this is the case what did she have to say?

Are you absolutely certain your wife isn't still seeing this guy??