In-house Seperation

[Lang3]

A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.

Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me

we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of

18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs

during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off

Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue

at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages

my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife

after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted

after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them

problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy

I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else

I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late

we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual

I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault

how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other

I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I

support required

lang3

[Lang3]

She has told me it's over. I am fighting hard for this as I don't believe that she is sure about this.

I am moving out as I am finding it to difficult living under the same roof.

Hopefully she realizes that I am worth another shot at saving our marriage for us and the kids.

I just want her to see the good in me and not all the negative things I have said or done in the past.

I know how to be a better husband and partner. I want the chance to show it.

I need to now look after me and get my mind healthier. Stop overthinking everything and take each day as it comes.

Suggestions on how improver your sleep. Would love to have a night of unbroken sleep.

Thanks.

[Guest_1055]

Dear Lang

I am ever so sorry you and your dear wife our struggling so very much. It can be so painful.

Maybe you will get the opportunity for a brand new start with her. Like treat her the same way that made her fall in love with you before.

Also there is a few ideas about sleeping better on some threads. Just type in sleeping in the search thing. Hopefully you will find something in there to help you.

I care

Shell

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Lang

I understand you feel you need to move out. It just becomes incredibly difficult to reconcille the marriage if that is the case. You also lose ground in any custody arrangements. I strongly advise you to seek legal advice before you move out. Most lawyers will provide a free 30 minute consultation. This might be just enough to get the important information you require.

[Lang3]

I have moved out because I can't be there and love her. It was hurting too much. We haven't told the kids much just that I'm working a lot. I go home for tea and bed etc. when there asleep I leave.

She is happy with this arrangement. I don't want it I want her to want us. Unsure if I'm living in dream world but I have to fight for me and the kids.

Got a psych appointment tomorrow. Which is good. Have received some advice. It shouldn't matter.

One positive I have slept better. I needed too.

That is where we are at.

Lang3

[Zeal]

Hi Lang,

I am glad you are getting better sleep, and are seeing your psychologist. It's also great that you are still being with your kids when you can. I wish I could give you advice on coping with your deep feelings for your wife.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[qwerty79]

Hi Lang3,

It's tough I have been married for about 13 years. Most of which has been like living with a room mate not a partner. Each situation is different but there is no quick fix

[Lang3]

It has been over a week since i moved out. Not a lot has changed as I still go home after work and do dinner baths and bed. I leave after the kids are asleep. We are using that I busy and leaving for work early. The oldest child knows something is different and is acting up which is difficult.

Saw pyachologist the other night. It was hard to listen to the advice. I understand what he was saying as be a little selfish for your own benefit and hopeful she may realize the importance of making the marriage work. In reality i feel bad by not trying to help as much as I can.

It is difficult for both of us at the moment. Time will tell. My feelings for my wife are still the same.

One thing he did say it can't get much worse than this. I took this as I can't change her and I need to try and be happy for the kids.

Thanks for the support. It is greatly appreciated.

Lang3

[Guest_1055]

Hey Lang

I simply have to tell you this, because it is just bursting out of me. Since you are now living in your own place, and you keep saying you love you wife. And if you haven't done this already. Please oh please just bite the bullet, get a babysitter for your little ones, and ask your wife out on a date. Don't discuss children, don't discuss marital issues, simply do something and have a bit of fun. Yeah go for it! What have you got to lose.

I am speaking from a recent experience within my own marriage. Win her heart back. You can do it. Yeah go for it!

In kindness to you

Shell

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Lang

can you explain what your psychologist was telling you?

Have you got any legal advice yet? I'm just afraid that if you have separated then you really need a parenting plan that you've both agreed to.

I'm sorry you're going though this. Make sure you're clear on what the psychologist is telling you. Have you and your wife agreed that you moving out is only temporary???

[Lang3]

Shelley

thanks for the response and understanding. It is a difficult time at the moment there are a lot of dates coming up that don't bring up the best memories for us.

We were due to go to a concert together this weekend and have a night away. She organized the concert and I the accom. Due to setup she doesn't want to take me and is going with a friend. When organizing it this was to be a night to get things back on track.

I will take your advice and ask her out before xmas. Like you said what's the worse result her saying no. Nothing to lose.

I have thought about it but just the timing. Everything is so busy at the moment and living between two house is tiring.

Min a positive I am getting some unbroken sleep which is helping.

Thanks

Lang3