I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

GoodWitch · ‎10-05-2018

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

GoodWitch · ‎21-02-2019

Thanks quirky

I've decided to go visit my parents this weekend, as my dad has just had surgery and I want to check on him anyway. It's only a couple of days but better than nothing for now. Last night hub was just asking the same questions again, like he didn't understand what I'd said that morning...I think the only way he'll understand is if I am blunt (blunter - I thought I was being blunt! but he said he still doesn't understand what I'm saying and needs to know where he stands...? I said 'I no longer want this marriage' 'I only want to be friends' and 'I don't love you enough to keep killing myself this way'....what is to not understand...?)

I'm so tired of having to do this, to manage his emotions for him when I can barely manage mine.

Thank you for your response.

GW

bemusedandconfused · ‎21-02-2019

Hi everybody. I"m scared about wanting to leave my partner. I guess I'm indignant about the absolute injustice of how he would remember me, which is to say I think he'd remember all the worst things. And I'm so sad for all you ladies (and gents) out there who are exactly like me. It comforts me to know you're out there but I'm not excited for any of us. I can't leave where we're living because I started a small business here. My family lives far, far away, and I can't talk to them about how I feel because it will cause an absolute panic. I've been making a lot of first steps today in reaching out to people for help, but, looking down the track, I am either already proud of myself for living through what I imagine would be a hellish period of life to come , or already judging myself for the weak, weak woman I am. I've written a thousand letters to him and came out in a panic, and calmed myself down by saying, "it's okay, it's okay...you haven't lost anything yet. You haven't said anything yet." I think I'm a goner, ladies. I really need some people to talk to.

GoodWitch · ‎22-02-2019

hi bemusedandconfused

I wrote so many drafts of that letter I sent to my hub last year, believe me the one he finally got was not the first. It takes a long time to build up the courage to be honest, don't be too hard on yourself. It's not weakness to want to consider for a long while what is the right thing, these are huge decisions.

Are you able access counselling where you are? It's a good place to start if you can do it.

I'm here if you want to say more

GW

Breegirl · ‎22-03-2019

Hello

It has been a while since I have written on this forum - I was looking at leaving my husband late last year, I have unhappy for a very long time and there have been situations which have contributed to this. We have a 9 and 5 year old - I can see in my head how happier I will be when I have my own freedom. I haven't been perfect AT all, I have cheated on him and he chose to forgive me, I think I have found it hard to look at myself the same, I do however have feelings for this other man but I want to focus on myself and my kids before I do anything else. I have been in a relationship for nearly 20 years and I want to be happy but feel that this may never happen for me or I am not worthy of happinness either. I want to move out and take that initial step but am so scared at the same time - floating through life isn't fun AT all - my anxiety rides a rollercoaster some weeks too.

Thank you for letting me vent - would love to know if there is anyone else in a similar situation - I feel so gutless right now

GoodWitch · ‎26-03-2019

just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean you're not worthy of love or happiness, Breegirl. You say your husband chose to forgive you for the cheating, but can you forgive yourself? That is where you start.

it's hard, so hard to do this kind of thing, don't beat yourself up. You're not weak, you're scared. We all get scared and make decisions out of fear. I'm still terrified every time I have to speak to my hub about something difficult, and I put it off as long as possible. I need to ask him to move out, again, because he will never volunteer to do it and instead I lie in bed not sleeping wishing he would just realise it without me having to say it and be made to feel like absolute crap for doing so.

if you know you will be happier apart the time will come when you have to say it. It's a good idea to concentrate on you and your kids before contemplating any other man, too. It is too easy to use feelings for someone else as a distraction from what's missing in our marriages, your feelings could not be authentic. You won't know until you've got your life the way you want it.

Best

GW

white knight · ‎26-03-2019

Hi GW

Ive read this thread, sorry for your predicament.

11 years in my 1st marriage full of emotional abuse led to a huge sigh when I drove off never to return to her. My girls were 7 and 4yo. I know where you are at.

Although you are not being abused you are suffering on a number of fronts. Most of these is because hubby doesnt have the capacity to fulfill you emotionally nor romantically and I would even suggest intellectually. He doesnt "get it". This is where your frustration comes from.

You have said you dont like hurting him etc but that is a given, you arent doing yourself any favours by worrying about the consequences of separation, worry only produces ulcers. Action produces relief.

Have you considered moving into a spare bedroom? If so, you could then keep asking him to move out. If you had the childten most of the time and the legals were sorted you could get child support from him resulting in a secure income so you'd keep the home. But securing the home should not be the priority.

Your kids, thankfully are not younger like mine, the elder is at an age where by she can choose wherever she lives with you or him, the younger one is below that emotional age for such choices but children are resilient and within a short time of being without dad full time they will adjust and particularly if he sees them often.

You are not in this world to live by anothers expectations nor to sacrifice your happiness because of incompatibility.

So, for what its worth, I'd continue meetings with him with the sole objective of working out the details of separation. I would no longer entertain discussion nor thoughts on how you'd save the marriage based on how hard you've tried.

I would however, be compassionate towards this man, his incapacity to filfill you is not a reason to blame. His lack of expression of emotion is "him".

Based on what I've read and as he is the father of your children, you can take the reins and separate but in a kind communicative and decisive manner with the ambition of getting his full endorsement.

Part of such meetings would need to include praise for his fatherhood, that that is valued and you'd like him to continue in that field for the kids. That your kids would benefit from his continuation of his role but you really need to be focused now on the goal of separation...and completing it in the kindest possible way.

Once done a few weeks adjustment and things will settle.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

GoodWitch · ‎26-03-2019

Very helpful, thanks Tony

I don't have a spare bedroom but we have a sofa bed in a rumpus room, I've already spent a couple of nights out there. Didn't want to move there permanently until we'd told the kids because they will ask questions. I can feel it all coming to a head and I'm really having high anxiety right now, because I know I have to actually start making him act on this and that's potentially a painful conversation, again. Another opportunity for him to stonewall me.

You're right it's not his fault that he can't do what I need, I know his parents have done a real number on him, but it was his responsibility to seek counselling to move past that so he could be more of a partner to me. He didn't do that so I have to let this go for my own sake. I'd like to keep this house for the sake of the kids and I hope he will cooperate with me on that, but if he doesn't I will take steps to move out because I can't move away from the pain until I don't have to look at the source of it every day of my life.

Thanks for your encouraging response

GW

Breegirl · ‎01-04-2019

Thank you so so much for your words and advice. I am taking steps to move out.....getting house stuff in order and just working on my own strength and knowing I am doing what I want to do for my own life.......I hope things will work out for you also GoodWitch everyone deserves to be happy and loved x

GoodWitch · ‎06-05-2019

Well the saga never ends

I wrote hub an email listing all the reasons why it would be easier on the kids if he moved out of the house. He can afford something better than I can, and I said the kids should stay with him 3 nights a week, and we needed to start talking about either selling the house or transferring ownership of it to me if I can afford to buy him out. I was kind and didn't blame him, just asked him to accept it now and make it as easy as it could be for the kids' sake.

2 weeks went by he said nothing other than 'yes I got the email' when I asked. Then I receive a reply saying no to everything. He won't move out but he has conceded to move to the sofa bed, where he's been for the last 2 weeks. He thinks we should do that for another 2 years (!), to save the kids pain until they're older but I actually think that's worse for them. They haven't seen him out there yet as he gets up before everyone and puts the bed away, but surely he knows 2 years of that is impossible! They will see and realise and be confused. He said if I insist on breaking us up now instead of in 2 years time he would only accept having the kids in week about custody...but he works full time and I don't, I've always been their primary caregiver and he doesn't cope well with their teen girl emotions...they would not do well an entire week at a time without me I think. He even tried to lowball me on child support, said the amount I calculated was wrong but he would be 'willing' to pay a little more, as if he was being some generous king! It's his legal responsibility, not a gift!

I can only imagine he's playing some sick game to try to hold onto me but it's just pushing me further away. I went to see a lawyer, worked out my rights. She says I have a strong case for keeping the kids 4 days per week and that the amounts he offered me were less than what I should get. I didn't want it to come to this, but I'm now looking at rentals and am going to set a deadline for selling the house and telling the kids. I know even if I agreed to this 2YR thing then it would be 'oh just another 6 months til I find somewhere'. It will never end. I think he's lost his mind - or maybe he was always off kilter and I overlooked it out of generosity.

So, that's the update. Can't wait til he gets my next email! NOT!

GW

Guest_1055 · ‎07-05-2019

Hi GW,

I have read some of your thread but not all of it. Anyway I feel sad for your situation.

You may not appreciate me saying this, but here goes. Don't let bitterness reign in your soul. It eats away your very heart and spreads to other people, possibly your precious children. And I am pretty sure you would not want to affect them like that.

You may not hear this much, but I urge you to forgive your hubby for whatever. I am not saying he is right or has not made mistakes. Life is so so short on this earth. I urge you to really think about what you are doing. And sometimes emotions can cloud our judgement on what we should be doing.

Please reconsider everything carefully. Take care