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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Jane_S Starting life as a couple while raising step kids and cohabiting with a friend
  • replies: 8

I have a partner of 3 years who has 3 kids under under 10. I used to rent a unit on my own and after a few years I got a friend who shared it with me for another couple of years years. Then 2 years ago I met my now partner we all got along well. Last... View more

I have a partner of 3 years who has 3 kids under under 10. I used to rent a unit on my own and after a few years I got a friend who shared it with me for another couple of years years. Then 2 years ago I met my now partner we all got along well. Last year we moved in the house I've built with a plan of starting to live as a couple and build a family with the kids and eventually try to have a child of our own once we are set. With my friend I told her she can move in with us until she can find a place to move into. I work fulltime and my partner works the opposite shift. We get the kids one weekend and the other weekend my partner works. It was all well and good until his ex changed the weekends leaving me with no alone time with my partner. Plus having my friend with us full time which makes it difficult to start life as a couple. I don't want to have to tell her that it is time to move out. We had intances where we had to cancel our dinner date as a couple because my friend was upset and acted sad when we told her that we are gonna have dinner. She was expecting us to invite her so I had to give her the talk. Seen as we live work and have same circle of friends I also had to give her the talk on how I also needed time just by muself and not to be offended if I don't hang out where she is. Lately, my partner and I had a fight and I was upset as I felt she didn't thought of giving us space to talk and expected me to ask her to leave. So with having fulltime jobs with opposite schedule and demands of helping take care of the kids and building rapport with them, but at the same time also giving the kids quality time with their dad plus a fulltime friend who does most things with us, am I out of line if I feel like I don't have the time I deserve with my partner? Am I out of line if I'm feeling upset about having to feel like I have to be a supportive partner a caring and cool step mother and a good friend all in one household?

Shae14 Toxic Breakup
  • replies: 5

My ex boyfriend contacted me last week after ghosting me for 3 months to let me know that he still had feelings for me even though he was in a relationship. We were in a toxic relationship on and off for 6 years and when he contacted me he also apolo... View more

My ex boyfriend contacted me last week after ghosting me for 3 months to let me know that he still had feelings for me even though he was in a relationship. We were in a toxic relationship on and off for 6 years and when he contacted me he also apologised for all of the horrible things he had done to me. He advised me he had a girlfriend and that he was going to end it with her which he did. I spent the last few days with him while he was dealing with his ex girlfriend and things officially ended on thursday when he dropped her stuff back to her house. We discussed that we were going to have a fresh start and he said he loved me. We spent thursday night together and we spoke about the changes we will make moving forward. As we were going to sleep he told me he felt as though we had no connection even though we thought the reason for this was because I was stressed about my brother being in hospital and we were also dealing with drama with his ex girlfriend. He ended up leaving my house thursday night and drove straight to his girlfriends house and they have been together ever since. He has only been with this person for 2 months and told all of his friends and family that he was going to break up with her to be with me. His family are quite angry about his decision and his dad was the one who contacted me to let me know that he was now with that other person. I went to his house to discuss what happened between us as he had blocked my number and when i arrived his girlfriend was there and he physically assaulted me. I used self-defence and also assaulted him back. I feel physically sick and don’t know why someone would do this to me, he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and then ran back to her a few days later. Does anyone have any advice for moving on after a toxic breakup? I also suffer from anxiety and depression and this situation has not helped. I have not been able to eat or sleep and just want to move on with my life but i'm struggling with my anxiety.

Nitro996 Wife for 11yrs wants to separate (feeling lost)
  • replies: 6

Hello I am not typically the person to share my internal issues with anyone (including my wife, maybe that's the problem) typically I keep to myself and don't have many friends (and have been distant with the ones I have) I'm a mechanic and I work aw... View more

Hello I am not typically the person to share my internal issues with anyone (including my wife, maybe that's the problem) typically I keep to myself and don't have many friends (and have been distant with the ones I have) I'm a mechanic and I work away for a week or two at a time, when I came home about 2 months ago my wife (11yrs, meet in school and been together 16yrs) asked for space and was ready to leave, she felt she had no option I offered to stay elsewhere to not disturb our boys (6 and 3) after a night apart and a few nights sleeping in different beds I felt we were on the right path we were seeing a counsellor, we went on a date, we were communicating more 5 days ago I came home from work to find my wife once again waiting for me ready to leave we had a short very painful discussion where she explained how she is not sure she knows who she is anymore and doesn't know if she wants to be with me and needs time without me to find out I didnt (and not sure if I do now) quite understand why or how me not being there is going to help, but I still very much love her and want to support her no matter what so I offered to leave once again for our boys (as they are use to me not being home) the next day I took the boys to school and childcare and discussed with my wife moving forward she agreed to let me stay in the house and look after the boys till the end of the weekend and then I would have to find somewhere else to live for the foreseeable future (this was so painful to hear), a full on separation the past few days have been really terrible, however eye opening I feel I have been a terrible husband and father my wife did so much for me and I so little in return I feel so much pain and anger for the person I have been and so much sorrow for what I have done to her that she feels this is her only option I feel physically sick and am not sleeping much (I am still forcing myself to eat and drinking plenty of water) I want to be a better person and father and husband, I am just not sure I know how and I feel its too little, too late on the positive side I feel I am personally on the right path I have been reading a self help book on marriage and reading a lot of posts on these forums and now am opening up to you and the few close friends I have, and spending quality time with my boys and I have realised how wonderfully my wife has raised them practically as a single mother, they truly are great, kind, caring little male versions of my wife thank you for listening

Grivven plik I will seperate from my wife soon. Where do I stand?
  • replies: 9

Hi all. My wife of 10 years was an alcoholic for 6.5 of those years. She's a wonderful person to have successfully recovered from her addiction. I have a lot of respect for her. We have a 6 year old, and he loves her very much. She's a great mum now.... View more

Hi all. My wife of 10 years was an alcoholic for 6.5 of those years. She's a wonderful person to have successfully recovered from her addiction. I have a lot of respect for her. We have a 6 year old, and he loves her very much. She's a great mum now. During the long years of her addiction, she was terrifying to live with. I was often in fear for her life, our sons life and sometimes my own. There were many traumatising events, and I am currently seeing some psychologists to deal with them. Despite being sober, she can still be hostile and resentful to me in extreme ways, and also (rarely) to our son. One of my psychologists thinks she could have Borderline Personality Disorder. She has good support, but no diagnosis, and I don't feel safe enough yet to raise that possibility with her. I also have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and can see now that I have coped through all the conflict by pushing my own needs and wants to the background, to avoid conflict, rejection and overwhelm. I am medicated and doing ok with that now but I can see clearer now and have decided I need to leave. I am worried about finances. It is likely we could have a 50 50 split of our child, but It might be that she has more, as It would be easier for me to move out and for him to stay in the home he knows. I believe this generally means a higher split of assets for her? I guess this is the tough part, what about me. Is there a way that some compensation can be factored into the asset split to account for the damage I took in supporting her during her addiction years? Does this ever happen? A major reason I stayed with her was to wait until she was solid and reliable as a parent. I helped her get sober, and I constantly supported and encouraged her career pursuits. I would not leave if she was not safe with him. God I'm lucky she has gotten sober. But, there were violent events in our child's first year where she lashed out at him and I had to put my own body in the line of strikes. It hurt me in a way i am still only just coming to grips with now. Sometimes she would drive drunk with him. Very drunk. I was afraid to say no to sex. I struggle daily with my sleep, sometimes having nightmares, sometimes having daytime vivid horror daydreams, not of her attacking, but just me needing to be ready to fight for my life and his. I struggle with sex now. She has gone forward, I have gone backward. Where do I stand? What are my best first handful of steps to take?

ChrisM0502 Dealing with being the person who hurt their partner
  • replies: 9

Thank you for your understanding before reading my post. I made the wrong decision to send inappropriate text msgs to another person behind my partners back and my partner rightly left me. I am struggling with dealing with this. I genuinely love my p... View more

Thank you for your understanding before reading my post. I made the wrong decision to send inappropriate text msgs to another person behind my partners back and my partner rightly left me. I am struggling with dealing with this. I genuinely love my partner and have committed to working with a counsellor to work through my mistake and have been doing so for 2 months now. My partner still keeps in touch and I have not pushed this from my end. She has organised a few catch ups in recent weeks and even came to my home last week crying her eyes out due to some work issues she was having. I sat with her and talk to her and we held hands and I gave her a big hug. On the weekend just gone she suggested another catch up. Last night she sent me a text msg saying she got stressed and sad whenever she saw me and she can't go back to what we were. I understand that I have no say in this and my post here isn't about this as I can't control how she is feeling. I just feel somewhat confused about how her actions (catch ups, being emotionally supported by my) doesn't appear to match her thoughts in the text msgs. How do I approach this?

MissCassie Dealing with social rejection
  • replies: 7

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to sa... View more

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to say she wasn't coming. The third rescheduled on me several times, only to ultimately disappear at an event we were attending together - and then she left me with one of her other friends I didn't know. And the fourth had a sick teenage son - which is obviously a valid reason to cancel, but still sucks (especially because this has happened several times before). On their own, I can usually deal with cancellations - and I understand things come up, but I'm really starting to feel defeated and alone. I have a lovely family, and the rest of my life is great, but these events all happening on top of each other has really gotten me down (the same thing seems to happen each year around this time). I feel that because I come across as bubbly and easy-going, people can dismiss me - or assume I can just work around them. I once had someone actually tell me that I would be more understanding than another person they had a conflicting appointment with, so they cancelled on me. I then start to wonder if people don't want to spend time with me. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I feel like very few actually care enough to see me unless they have nothing better to do. During lockdown last year, I only had one person contact me first to see how I was. I feel if I didn't make the effort to initiate contact, I would never talk to anyone. (I do have a few women I feel I can rely on most of the time, but one is currently living overseas and another is a fairly new friendship, and I don't want to scare her off by coming on too strong.) How do other people cope with social rejection? I feel like I've gotten better at understanding it doesn't just happen to me, but it still hurts to feel like you're putting in a lot of effort for little return.

Zedman Wife of 25 years cheated on me due to depression.
  • replies: 8

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't un... View more

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't understand how she could do it to me. I feel our relationship is in a good place now and I want to move forward but I struggle every day with what she did.

Hyacinth09 Feeling lost in relationship
  • replies: 4

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts.... View more

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts. I've been quite unlucky with finding a job, and have been living with my folks for 2.5 years. They've been supportive but I'm at an age (30) where I should be living my own life but I can't have my own life because I haven't been able to find a job, afford to move out, and establish my sense of self and identity. Lately, I was offered what I thought would be an ideal job. It's in the industry I wish to excel in. However, because there were several red flags, I turned it down. Initially I thought I made the right decision but now, having some slight regrets. My BF said he would support me even if I took the job but obviously he's happier, because I turned down the job as he believes it would mean I will get back to the UK quicker. Ever since turning down the job, I've been feeling really low and have been crying for the past 3 days. Even though I told myself I made the right choice, nothing seems to motivate me, nothing feels right, I feel regretful of all my choices. I quite literally sit and watch the day go by. I told my BF how I felt, how I wanted to re-connect with my identity and just wanted some alone time to re-discover my sense of self as I've been denied this for quite some time. By nature, I'm an introvert who likes being alone. He didn't take it well, even though he knows I've a big decision to make in whether to move back to the UK. He said I was holding on to him until I find something better, he pushed me to set a date of my return which I told him (so he would get off my back). The other issue is our age gap, he is heading towards retirement while I should be, if things actually had worked out for me career-wise, I should be making serious career decisions or at least have established myself in my career. He keeps telling me he can't wait any longer and I said to him to forget it if he just wants someone to be on the same "life journey" (someone his own age). I've stayed in Australia for longer than I have intended (thanks to pandemic) and now am feeling "settled back" in Australia and the prospect of returning to the UK is dimmer than 2 years ago. I feel suffocated; after I told him my problems with feeling lost, he's pushed me to make a decision about returning to the UK. Am I being unfair?

Loulabelle81 Anxiety over in sister in law visit.
  • replies: 12

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around... View more

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around our kids for so long. I’d be more than happy to go to visit them and for us to stay in a hotel and spend time with them for a few hours here and there. But the thought of her being in my home for 2 weeks is too much to bear. We have a long history of her attempting to ostracise me from the family and resorting to almost bullying tactics. I’m not the only one - she’s also done this to her dads partner and her mums partner. After I fell pregnant she started making lots of demands about seeing our daughter when she was born. She is very entitled when it comes to blood relatives and can be very possessive. She was like this with my partner when we lived near her where she would often get jealous and cause rows between us. I really don’t want her in my home or around my kids. I’d be happy if she stayed elsewhere and had other things to do so that it isn’t so intense. But her being in my home and scrutinising everything is really sending my anxiety through the roof. How do I handle this situation? I am worried that my partner will be angry and that it will be made out that I am causing problems with them (this has been the case before - I was accused of getting pregnant to trap him, to stopping him from seeing and speaking to his family - I have no issue with them being in contact and spending time - it’s the intrusiveness of it and the intensity of it that I have issue with. Please help!

Ammee Feeling utterly depleted - Our family needs help.
  • replies: 24

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the f... View more

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the falsehood of thinking, finally, this period of our lives is over we can now move on. Then it all goes to hell again. We have spent hundreds on health care professionals to little avail. Read every textbook, watched videos, sought advice from other parents, been to family therapy, individual therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapy, hospital, day centres, and still we are in this awful dark place. Every one of us is mentally unwell , all of us are in therapy with two or more specialists. We have all been driven to the edge, because of the neurological mental health condition my daughter has – who knows what that is, many have had their various theories. Pathological Demand Avoidance seems the best fit, but still doesn’t quite fit. She is an extrovert but autistic. Incredibly intelligent. Often as mature as a 16-year-old – but also as immature as a two-year-old the next with huge aggression, nasty words, and screaming. Desperately wants friendship – but burns every bridge in them by lying to them, deceiving them, stealing from them, making demands from them. Desperate to be someone she is not, and seemingly not able to find who she really is. Helpful, polite, friendly, charming to each new person she meets. Nasty, mean, resentful, demanding and aggressive toward anyone who SHE thinks has done her wrong. Often deeply loving, empathic and kind, but also often cruel, rude and unfair. Wants to control everything in her world. Is confused about her feelings, to the point of self harming and suicidal thoughts. Our marriage is on the rocks. My husband has anger management problems. My son is falling over the edge now, the most gentle and forgiving soul out there - he now doesn’t want to live here anymore and is so afraid of what is happening to us. – He is 15. After 12 and a half long years being her primary carer, I am now in a heap – sick with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome – I have been driven to the edge and have already fallen off the cliff once, I am dangerously close to falling off it again. My daughter doesn’t understand who she is, where she is going, how she can help herself, or how she can help her family. She loves us all dearly but is very mentally unwell. We need help.