Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Dblk Relationship advice- Help
  • replies: 8

Hello everyone. Just seeking some opinions and advice on whether I am making a huge mistake or if it's the right one? I met my partner couple of years ago online. We dated for a couple of months and survived a long distance relationship in the meanti... View more

Hello everyone. Just seeking some opinions and advice on whether I am making a huge mistake or if it's the right one? I met my partner couple of years ago online. We dated for a couple of months and survived a long distance relationship in the meantime. She has OCD, anxiety and depression, other medical conditions and hasn't been able to secure a job in the industry she always wanted to work for. Things were ok until she moved in with me since the last two years due to issues with her family. We had issues with her ocd and sometimes her personality but her anxiety has been getting worse . We have trialled a lot of medications seen quite a few psychiatrists and psychologists but she doesn't want to follow the strategies they suggested and hasn't developed a good relationship with any of them. She stresses on little things which inturn stresses me even more. We then have arguments abuse each other verbally making me almost thinking of ending the relationship and even saying that to her. She becomes very apologetic and teary afterwards . She loves me dearly and looks after me however she can but I kind of feel like I am not being honest with her. I am not a perfect partner either as I am always exhausted and just don't feel like doing anything all day. Don't know how I can fix this as I am starting to get attached to another girl unbeknownst to my partner. I don't want her to go back to her family because they are still very incompetent and has been taking most of her pension when she was living with them. They have disappointed me quite a few times when I she needed help while I was away. Their priorities doesn't include her. This isn't what I had in mind when we got engaged and moved in together. I don't honestly know what to do or how to fix it

Scotty68 Deleted from my daughter’s life
  • replies: 4

I live in a loveless relationship of convenience. My (ex) partner has erased me from her past and present, although we still live under the same roof. Neither of us has acknowledged to the other that’s it’s over. I suffer from extremely low self este... View more

I live in a loveless relationship of convenience. My (ex) partner has erased me from her past and present, although we still live under the same roof. Neither of us has acknowledged to the other that’s it’s over. I suffer from extremely low self esteem and can’t bear to jeopardise the fragment of normalcy our relationship provides. From her side, I assume she just wants me around to provide a household income and support her retail requirements, although she Is often jealous of other families better financial circumstances. i can accept all of this. What upsets me tremendously is that we have a 17 yo daughter who has and is effectively being raised as a single parent child. My partner has basically excluded me from her life as I have been erased from hers. Since she hasn’t worked since our daughter was born, she’s had the opportunity to micromanage every aspect of our daughters life - school, activities etc. I’m not involved in anything really. I don’t go to parent/teacher nights because I I’m not told about them and when I do know, it’s made clear that she will be going. obviously this situation is very messed up for me. I have one child and have missed out on a lot of her childhood while living under the same roof as her dad. Ironically, I think I would be more involved in her life if her mother and I were living apart. i guess what I’m looking for with respect to support is perhaps some feedback on why this is happening. I know it takes two to tangle and the situation could not be so bad without me allowing it to. My lack of self esteem has really made it hard to voice my frustration. What I dont understand is whether my partner is actually aware that her actions are causing me such sadness. Perhaps she doesn’t know that what she is doing is not right. This would simply make her very selfish and unempathetic. Or is she completely aware and actively seeking to erase me from our daughter’s life. i genuinely don’t know the answer to this and would appreciate feedback from anyone who has experience in this situation or simply has a better insight into this than I do. Thankyou. .

Gray93 An involuntary fresh start
  • replies: 1

A few years ago I found myself really struggling with my mental state and I thought moving to another country would ease some feelings and bring new things to the equation. I had a really solid group of friends before I moved, the kind I thought I’d ... View more

A few years ago I found myself really struggling with my mental state and I thought moving to another country would ease some feelings and bring new things to the equation. I had a really solid group of friends before I moved, the kind I thought I’d never find and would keep forever. My best friend of 6yrs was struggling with depression and would lean on me often even with the distance. It was difficult because I was trying to sort myself out and he would accuse me of leaving him and not caring if he killed himself while I was away. But then he would shake it off and we would resume our usual banter. It was a constant rotation. Until I had two weeks until I was moving home and he messaged to say I had better message him any last words before it was too late. As I was a time one apart I missed his messages and he’d already blocked me. He accompanied this with a Snapchat of him insinuating he was going to kill himself. I called my parents at home, my friend to see if someone could check on him. I eventually got word he was okay but he didn’t touch base with me until a week after. He took that time to tell me I’d been the cause of his depression over the last 6yrs and that I was too shallow to like him how he liked me. He then described our relationship and all the times I made him feel rejected and how he’d hurt himself after each one. it’s been more than a year that I’ve been back, all my friends have moved on and I’ve lost the most obvious and who I would’ve considered my best friend. I miss him so much and even after all the hurtful things he’s said to me I am constantly thinking about reaching out to him. I have no one to talk to about it. My boyfriend hates the things he’s said to me and doesn’t like me mentioning him. I couldn’t love him how he wanted but I still loved him. I just feel so alone these days, my partner is great but doesn’t understand the grief I suffered before him which I still hold on to.

pvroom Hello - I'm at my wit's end
  • replies: 4

Hello, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I have two autistic and ADHD kids who are home 24/7 as they cannot attend childcare / school for many reasons. My husband has severe depression, he's also autistic and ADHD. I love the... View more

Hello, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I have two autistic and ADHD kids who are home 24/7 as they cannot attend childcare / school for many reasons. My husband has severe depression, he's also autistic and ADHD. I love them all! But I am like the personal assistant, mum, wife etc. I am over it! I can't talk to anyone because every single person says 'make your kids go to school' etc. I've had childcare providers tell me they can't help me. I've had childcare providers tell me it's in my head and question my kids diagnosis (please see my paediatrician GRRRR). It's sooooooooo frustrating. We need help. My husband is on the edge, I can see it, hear it, feel it. I'm worried. My kids are beautiful but hard work. So hard. I'm sorry for venting. But, I just feel trapped.

white knight Tolerance of other people part 2
  • replies: 6

In this section I want to talk about work colleagues. Having mania has resulted in around 90 jobs with 15 professions. I'm now retired. From that 40 years of employment I can tell you that I've now got 2 close friends from those workplaces still in m... View more

In this section I want to talk about work colleagues. Having mania has resulted in around 90 jobs with 15 professions. I'm now retired. From that 40 years of employment I can tell you that I've now got 2 close friends from those workplaces still in my life. Not many. This to me highlights that seeking compatibility from a work colleague isnt very likely. We meet through working for the same employer not from joining a group sharing the same interests like a hobby or sport. That workplace is the main source of conversation and so when we move on to other jobs we hardly maintain enthusiasm to talk about our old work colleagues and the politics surrounding it. For this reason to maintain a good level of mental health for your workplace I promote that you keep your distance from other employees. In particular group gatherings like lunch rooms. I've not experienced many lunchrooms where there is lack of toxicity. So what is the alternatives? I'd suggest if you live nearby a good habit is to go home for lunch. I had one colleague that had his favourite spot in a factory corner where he had 2 chairs, one for him and one for his lunch and newspaper. I'd join him at times but he purposely didnt add more chairs as that would defeat the purpose of his preferred isolation. Another important way to tolerate workmate is not to join them in after hours entertainment. This could be difficult if you are asked as a team to meet for a xmas party for example. My methos (eventually) was to attend for a short time, say 30 minutes and have one drink then slip away. I'd leave many to their choice of buttering up the bosses, getting to know the bosses wife/husband with aspirations that the boss would promote them the next year. It never happened. In fact often the behaviour of some drunken workers at such events or their slip of poor choice of words resulted in them NOT being promoted. The fact is that your private life and the entertainment you like is better served limiting social activities outside working life. Workplace squabbles can be difficult to tolerate. You want to avoid a workplace that mentally, you end up distressed. TonyWK

Stevolica27 Trivial things can ramp up my anxiety - silly question but hoping someone can offer another perspective
  • replies: 5

Hi there, as mentioned this is probably silly/trivial but I find these things to lead me to start spiralling with my anxiety, which I'm worried affects my views of such things as my relationship. Short story is my partner's family do the same things ... View more

Hi there, as mentioned this is probably silly/trivial but I find these things to lead me to start spiralling with my anxiety, which I'm worried affects my views of such things as my relationship. Short story is my partner's family do the same things every year for Christmas and Easter and other long weekends - they have a holiday house, I guess is the easiest way to describe. There's a strong culture around visiting there and other partners prioritise going there over spending time with their own families often. With this coming Easter, as with any long weekend, I like the idea of planning these with my partner as they are holidays for both of us, but she has stated that she's open to other ideas but wants to go to the holiday house for 'as long as possible'. It just really gets me down that this is the same /every time/ and she's quite forward in being quite disinterested in planning anything else together. Her default position is that if I don't come up with anything more interesting (on my own), she'll just go to hang out with her family. They're a great family, and sometimes I go, but I am really keen to have a shared life (although it is /most/ of the time as we live together) and plan things together for holiday periods etc. - I realise that time-wise, we already spend a lot of time together and I'm open to taking separate holidays, but I just want others' perspectives on my 'right' to want to plan things together or my 'lack of right' to expect that when that family time is important to my partner - I think working this out my help me put my anxiety and sadness around it into perspective. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

PsychedelicFur Anxiety about my relationship with my boyfriend
  • replies: 8

Hello there, recently, about a little over four or five months ago I met this guy. When we first met there was automatically a spark there. We had so much in common. Like hobbies and favourite albums and bands. I have met his family and his family re... View more

Hello there, recently, about a little over four or five months ago I met this guy. When we first met there was automatically a spark there. We had so much in common. Like hobbies and favourite albums and bands. I have met his family and his family really like me. He has told his friends about me and they say “you sound like you really love this girl and think very highly of her.” he has even written a song about me. And people, close friends have told me he isn’t the type just to show affection just to anyone. however, there are some doubts for me. when we have disagreements he can get aggressive and start shouting. NEVER has he ever physically abused me. He will say things and then realise later on he has done wrong. recently, he said he wanted to break up because he thought I deserved better and he was frustrated with himself. And then he wanted another chance to really show me that he can change his aggressive behaviour. He told me that because I’m working on my anxiety he thinks he can better himself for me. He told me that he was so upset and felt so guilty about the way he treated me this specific time. I have set a boundary and told him that I will not accept or tolerate any aggressive behaviour anymore. He said he wants to really try to prove to me that he really does care about me. 99% of the time, he is very supportive and understanding. However he is dealing with his own frustrations and issues, like everyone and he admitted that was no excuse for treating me in such a way. For your information : he has NEVER belittled me or called me a ‘slut’ or a ‘whore’ or even picked on my body or anything like that. when we are together and we have a disagreement he usually tries to remove himself from the situation too by going outside or going into another room to let the mood cool down. Typically, when I’m anxious he reassures me and tries to bring me back into a more rational perspective. Because I have the tendency to overthink so often about EVERYTHING. he always likes to talk about me to close friends and tell them how much he appreciates me. Is he genuine or is he just trying to mess with my mind? signed, confused PF

PsychedelicFur Is he trying to change me?
  • replies: 4

Hi there, I am naturally a very flamboyant and comfortable person when it comes to dressing in a more quintessential and vibrant way. I feel like the clothes that I wear - vintage, vibrant and obscure suit my somewhat of a misfit personality. However... View more

Hi there, I am naturally a very flamboyant and comfortable person when it comes to dressing in a more quintessential and vibrant way. I feel like the clothes that I wear - vintage, vibrant and obscure suit my somewhat of a misfit personality. However, more so recently I have discovered that sometimes I wear one of my favourite headpieces, very quirky and unique, that my boyfriend tells me I shouldn’t wear it and I should wear something darker with my more recently dyed brighter colour of hair. Normally, I’m the type of person who does what I want to do and dresses the way I feel suits my body shape and compliments my personality. However, because he is my boyfriend I am genuinely concerned as to if he is actually trying to look out for me saying things like “oh the colours clash.” Or “i don’t really like that headpiece.”and he does suggest that I wear something a little darker. He says “all of the brightness distracts me from your pretty face.” I read somewhere that early stages of emotional abuse is when someone starts to control your wardrobe and what you wear. And then makes you feel guilty for not ‘conforming to their standards’ I understand completely that your partner wants you to look your best but is he taking it too far? I have asked other people about my headpiece. Close by individuals whom I know would tell me if I was being a ‘fashion victim’ so to speak. And they all say that the colours don’t conflict with my hair and that I look still so bright and amazing. nonetheless, I’m still going to wear what makes me comfortable because in the long run I don’t want to look back at myself twenty or even thirty years from now and regret really showing who I am. I’ve always been so care free, bright and a bit unique from the crowd and I will continue to be that way. After all, when we first started dating he knew exactly that I was someone who wasn’t your A typical type of girl. I’m different and different is what I shall remain. But is he really trying to control me or is he trying to tell me politely that something else would work alongside my dyed hair? looking for answers, much appreciated. PsychedelicFur.

PsychedelicFur My father and my partner don't get along
  • replies: 4

Hello there, I am currently stuck in a very frustrating and unsettling conundrum. My father and my partner don't get along. At first, my boyfriend did make an effort to get to know him. However, since the separation of his wife and the feelings of ov... View more

Hello there, I am currently stuck in a very frustrating and unsettling conundrum. My father and my partner don't get along. At first, my boyfriend did make an effort to get to know him. However, since the separation of his wife and the feelings of overbearing stress he makes me feel enormously guilty when I am not with him, at home. My boyfriend is frustrated with this and both think of each other as 'selfish' My father did make an effort too but he has the tendency to talk about his worries and concerns when conversing with other people. And obviously this can get enormously draining. My father complains when he has to pick me up from my boyfriend's house. And my boyfriend has tried to keep his cool. I am so concerned and worried. What should I do? Please share some responses with me as I would greatly appreciate it, regards PF

white knight Tolerance of other people part 3
  • replies: 2

In this post I'd like to mention "the benefit of the doubt". I've noticed more in the last 10 years or so that people often mention, in a group, their criticism of someone without know all of the possible scenarios of why that person does what they d... View more

In this post I'd like to mention "the benefit of the doubt". I've noticed more in the last 10 years or so that people often mention, in a group, their criticism of someone without know all of the possible scenarios of why that person does what they do. For example: A common one is buying meals at a hotel. Waiting more than 30 minutes can start the complaints around a table. Some people have never worked in a hotel kitchen so have never faced the issues that happen there. If one person orders a well done steak and its preferable to have all meals arrive at the table at the same time then there will be a delay in meal delivery as the chef will be waiting for the steak to cook and that will take longer. Sometimes there is a "run on" for one menu order. That might result in a worker scooting off to the butchers. Patrons often dont realise there could be 2 or 3 other sections of the hotel that are also ordering meals....and so on. To reduce any chance of disharmony it is always best to either give the "benefit of the doubt" or make a direct enquiry. A friend recently listed his house on the market for lets say $400,000. After two weeks even before the board was up at the front of the property, he asked me "do you think I should try another agent, he doesnt seem to be doing much". I suggested he ring the agent, he did, the agent told him that he had to take photographs, wait for them to be delvered to him to load on the internet and that he also had to wait for the section 32 that my friend hadnt chased up with his own solicitor. The sale of the house couldnt move forward without it. These sort of instances has caused me to always question people directly with the "benefit of the doubt" before entering into any dispute or pressing on with any criticism. I dont know about you but especially when younger I would dwell over issues rather than contact the other party direct. This was not healthy. I didnt have the communication style I have now as an older man, but my advice for those younger is to embrace the direct route to people you deal with. Dwelling, complaining to others when you dont possess all the facts is not contributing to your wellness. You can also calm situations down with this direct action and in groups this will result in happier times. People you deal with directly will appreciate your effort and you'll make friends that way too. TonyWK