My husband is blaming me for him feeling depressed and has left me

[Mrslmc001]

My husband has been working away for the last year on and off working up to 17hrs some days driving a semi trailer. First stink in Tasmania for 2 months then we went on a holiday for a week and we’re called and his dad past away he came home and worked flat out then went to work away again working up to 90hrs a week where he works thinks he is the best worker they have ever had and told him he should move there. The weekend covid might have been in Brisbane his boss recommended he stay incase he couldn’t come back. He is supposed to come home every two weeks. He called me upset saying he didn’t know what to do he was in a difficult position but ended up staying. He came home 2 weeks later. We had had words the time before he was home cause all he talked about was his work and how great the people were there I asked him why he bothered coming home which upset him I apologised saying I felt like he didn’t really want to see me. He left saying it was fine and I said I would make it up to him next time he was home. He came home 3 weeks later and told me he was leaving me cause I have depressed him and made him feel like a worthless person and can’t do this anymore with me. 100% my fault not works fault and has put up with me for 10 years and had not been in live with me for 6 months. I had a weekend up there with him 4 weeks prior and everything was fine. What’s has happened to him? Is he exhausted?

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I am sorry to read what has happened to your relationship. I will go out on a limb and use guess work...

with the number of hours it sounds like he was/is working that has become his life and perhaps to the detriment of everything else? I was (could still be) a workaholic, working long hours which means there is little room for much else that might give joy. All that was left to talk about was work. But that was depressing in itself.

And if you are away from work, all you can think about is ... work again!

It is so not your fault for what happened. And you sound angry or frustrated as well towards the end of your post and probably deservedly so having put that time into a marriage in which you hardly saw him.

But I cannot say whether he is exhausted or whatever. I suspect you wanted to do A, B, C, and he could not and then "blames you". Perhaps he is unable to see things from your perspective either? Again, purely guessing.

I guess the only thing I can ask is... what do you want?

[geoff]

Hello Mrslmc, and can we offer you a warm welcome to the site.

It must be upsetting to hear what your husband has said and so very sorry that you had to hear this from him, but his father passed away and instead of grieving he has increased his work to 90 hours and by talking with his workmates about his loss has not given any benefit about talking about it with you, so after the weeks he stayed in Brisbane he found comfort from them, denying you the opportunity.

My concern is whether or not someone else at work and in particular a female has been the person he has had consoling words with, that could have swayed his decision and this can happen in any situation like this, and not have any meaning to it.

Maybe he might be exhausted, that's something we don't know, but it could be a possibility of his grieving and hasn't had the chance to discuss the passing of his dad with you, and being on the road doesn't give you much opportunity to do this.

I'm really sorry.

Geoff.

[Mrslmc001]

Hi Geoff and small wolf thanks for replying appreciate it.

He is a pretty private person and thinks driving a truck alone is the best job in the world. I want to save our marriage more than anything cause before this it was pretty good. He is sending mixed messages by saying I do love you and then having days of no contact. We used to speak everyday and when he is away of course I have the usual stresses of teenage kids and dogs and my own work which I would vent to him. He is under a lot of pressure with performing and being the best driver at is work. So maybe me whinging to him and the pressure work is just too much😢he has always been the supportive one. I just want to know what to say to him and how to point him in the right direction for help I’m so devastated and felt he ambushed me when he last came home cause seriously on his way home last time he called me like everything was normal with what we were going to do on the weekend spending all his pay cause he is so focused on how much money he is earning and we are not in financial trouble at all.

[Mrslmc001]

So he came home tonight said definitely over love you always could never hate you but my feelings changed maybe 3 years ago he is crying every night cause he is sad it has ended he said he might move to where he is working now or he might buy a unit here or if he had to live somewhere it might be Cairns. I pledged my love to him saying I would do whatever it takes and would open up and be more loving and understanding and he said why does it take me leaving for you to realise all of this. I am so broken hearted I think I’m in shock

[geoff]

Hello Mrslmc, being a truck driver and away from the family, he must think about so much while driving, what he may be missing out on what the teenage kids are doing and not there to help you raise them, enjoy their good times and know what to do when they do things that may not be accepted and may feel as though his responsibility helping you and being there to sort out any problems is somehow missing.

This I'm sure would be going through his mind while driving and going to affect how he feels, but this would have been discussed before you had kids, but at that stage, neither of you would have known what type of complexities would have arisen, so it's you explaining to him while he's on the road all the details, which can't really be discussed when he's not there with you.

Making a decision face to face is different than making one when he's miles away.

Geoff.

[Mrslmc001]

Hi Geoff

i think you are right. Yesterday he called me and said want to go to breakfast. He came and picked me up but drove in our garage and walked in spoke to the girls like nothing has happened and we left. I wanted to talk about being ambushed with a minutes notice our marriage was over but he was saying he never said things he said he said he didn’t fully blame me for the way he is feeling but doesn’t know what the other reason is. He said he likes working cause he doesn’t have to think about other stuff. He said let’s not talk about it he just wanted to have a nice breakfast. We came home and he came in no stayed for 6rs helping the girls do some painting they were doing and had a sleep and we all sat and talked like nothing had happened we laughed. Then he said he had to go.