Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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OhSoTired Burnt out, not coping and a miscarriage to top it all off
  • replies: 1

I really don't even know how to articulate how I am feeling. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, (second marriage for each of us after both coming out of abusive/ toxic relationships). Anyway, if you had asked me up until about 3 weeks ag... View more

I really don't even know how to articulate how I am feeling. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, (second marriage for each of us after both coming out of abusive/ toxic relationships). Anyway, if you had asked me up until about 3 weeks ago how my marriage is, I would have told you it is amazing. We make the best team, are patient and kind and appreciative of one another. I don't really know what's changed though. Without going into all the details of the back and forth between us, lately we have just been at each other. Hubby has bad anxiety. He is on a MHCP and has just started seeing someone. I recently had a miscarriage, and we have a 1 yo and a 2yo. We both work full time hours over 4 days a week, and hubby has been doing a job he detests for about 6 months. I have tried to continue to be supportive, to ensure the household is run efficiently. I take care of all the household finances (hubby can't cope due to his anxiety), I look after the kids and all their needs. (hubby is a good dad, just doesn't do as much for the kids, just the fun stuff). I help him with his work, basically do most of everything. He will help around the house and is great at maintaining the house (mows lawns, gardening etc). Just lately, I have been feeling like I can't cope anymore. Maybe it's the miscarriage, but no matter what, hubby picks a fight with me every other night. He is very critical of me, then gets angry when I cry. He tells me I'm gaslighting him because I tell him to stop picking on me and to be kind. It's really pushing me to my limits. I am so tired. not just sleepy, but weary in life, if that makes sense. I'm not depressed or suicidal, I just am weary and don't have the energy to keep going like this. Hubby is snoring beside me after another fight with no resolution or understanding, and I am left to work through my emotions, alone. You really can feel lonely, even when you're not alone :( As I suspected, I have not said anything I want to say as I just can't articulate it, and I also don't want to write a novel. Any advice on what I should do when hubby is completely unapproachable due to his anxiety, I have no family to turn to because they are party of the problem (hubby gets upset with how involved they are in our lives), and I have just made new friends and don't want to scare them away with asking for their help/ support?

Sweesoft Looking forward to springtime outdoor activities
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I'm feeling some springtime blues just because I miss the old days where my family and I used to go outdoors and do biking, picnic, and whatever we can just to enjoy the sun. Now, we don't have that so much that's why it makes me depressed missing my... View more

I'm feeling some springtime blues just because I miss the old days where my family and I used to go outdoors and do biking, picnic, and whatever we can just to enjoy the sun. Now, we don't have that so much that's why it makes me depressed missing my family who I don't see quite a lot anymore. I don't think I'll ever have the same spring as we used to have. What do you miss most about springtime?

TheaRHM Shift work and relationships.
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for 6 yrs. 4 out of the 5 yrs my partner has worked shift work on a rotating roster, and I have been at my same job 9-5 Monday to Friday for 5 years. A long with shift work, we both have anxiety, I have a disabilit... View more

My partner and I have been together for 6 yrs. 4 out of the 5 yrs my partner has worked shift work on a rotating roster, and I have been at my same job 9-5 Monday to Friday for 5 years. A long with shift work, we both have anxiety, I have a disability which impacts my central nervous system so walking really hurts, And I manage this by pacing my self and setting achievable goals to live as much of a normal life as I can. I also volunteer and run my own business on a casual basis, I go to councelling and am trying to loose weight to help alleviate some pain in my joints. I run the budgets, take care of 2 dogs, do a majority of the house work while working from home full time in a job that I am under paid for, and am dealing with the union do fight for better pay. He doesn't clean his room, doesn't do anything around the house on his own accord, constantly asks me to look for things even though they are always in the same spot (under the sink). He doesn't organise dates or things to do when we do have time off together, it's all on me. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me and keeps his room so gross I don't want to go in there. Our fights are getting more frequent, always about the same issues: Me following up on him going back to councelling, setting up a bank account so he can help with finances, basic chores, sex or lack thereof, all so I can work around him within my own schedule. Then he switches it around everytime like I am asking for to much from him and I'm talking down to him ( which is true but it's been 4 years of this) he's called me abusive and said "for someone who helps young people get into a passionate career you have no empathy for others mental health" which hurt a lot. But lately he's doing less to work towards our relationship, and dropping hints that he won't be looking for new work, because he is scared about change. I've told him that I will be there to support with education and the change, I spent my bonus on getting us more financially secure so we can look into him studying. But it's too the point where I think I need to figure out how to leave, and keep the house I saved for and we own. I can't keep doing this, keeping on top of my stuff and picking up the slack in every avenue of our life together. I'm so tired, and I now can't speak about these things with out getting emotional or frustrated I don't know what to do any more.

FrogOFfeels Lost and scared for my girlfriend
  • replies: 3

We’ve been together a good 7 months now and we’ve managed to get through the phase of acknowledging our differences and stances no problems, daisies and sunshine! We still love each other to bits but it’s become increasingly hard to convince her she’... View more

We’ve been together a good 7 months now and we’ve managed to get through the phase of acknowledging our differences and stances no problems, daisies and sunshine! We still love each other to bits but it’s become increasingly hard to convince her she’s more valued than what she says, I’ve been met with responses like “I’ll be dead anyway” “I’ve already got a backup plan if you cheat” “even if I did put in the effort you do I’ll never look the same” “do you like me as I am so I don’t cheat if I ever looked good?” And I’ll explain why. She’s been wanting lipo for a long time she believes it’ll fix the abuse she had growing up regarding her body image, esteem, confidence everything. I responded badly “are you really sure you’d not wanna think twice?” and arguments insued, that like it or not she’ll go through with it even if it means getting me out of the way of her happiness. I only did what I thought was right after she told me what she has to go through daily she doesn’t have a lot of money so I make sure she doesn’t go hungry, but she hates it when I help or pay anything for her she’s more than capable by her own as she says but I really just want to be there for her especially when her ocd and adhd act out on her confidence, esteem and mental health. I don’t mind any of it at all I’ve tried saying things like she could try therapy again but in places I know that would be better suited for her, but she refuses since she’s had a streak of bad doctors and therapists before we met she will actively avoid any hospital because of bad experiences so if she hurts herself she’ll say she just won’t need it. she’s told me what causes her this pain I acknowledge and agree she should work on it in her time but she won’t actively do it and any help I offer she’ll lash out at me. Obviously lipo isn’t the end of the world and I should calm down but I really think she needs help and not a potentially hazardous procedure and then continue to go back to doing those same bad habits in routine and have it effect her mental health even more. The operation will help her undeniably but surely there are more ways other than 8k for 6 months of happiness? Please tell me if I could’ve done anything better I honestly think I was harsh or even in the wrong in many ways I’m just so worried she’ll lose herself emotionally and never be the same person I fell in love with and end up hurting herself more or me doing more worse than I did good thinking I’m helping.

Ss88 Reopening toxic relationships
  • replies: 2

I've only had a small amount of friends on my life and have had almost all unfriend for various reasons but I'm struggling with loneliness and have attempted to reach out to these people on social media only to reopen old wounds I only have my husban... View more

I've only had a small amount of friends on my life and have had almost all unfriend for various reasons but I'm struggling with loneliness and have attempted to reach out to these people on social media only to reopen old wounds I only have my husband and mum in my life atm and I'm really shy and it takes me along time to actually talk to people so it hard to just try and make new friendships but always going back to the old ones is destroying me

Dblk Relationship advice- Help
  • replies: 8

Hello everyone. Just seeking some opinions and advice on whether I am making a huge mistake or if it's the right one? I met my partner couple of years ago online. We dated for a couple of months and survived a long distance relationship in the meanti... View more

Hello everyone. Just seeking some opinions and advice on whether I am making a huge mistake or if it's the right one? I met my partner couple of years ago online. We dated for a couple of months and survived a long distance relationship in the meantime. She has OCD, anxiety and depression, other medical conditions and hasn't been able to secure a job in the industry she always wanted to work for. Things were ok until she moved in with me since the last two years due to issues with her family. We had issues with her ocd and sometimes her personality but her anxiety has been getting worse . We have trialled a lot of medications seen quite a few psychiatrists and psychologists but she doesn't want to follow the strategies they suggested and hasn't developed a good relationship with any of them. She stresses on little things which inturn stresses me even more. We then have arguments abuse each other verbally making me almost thinking of ending the relationship and even saying that to her. She becomes very apologetic and teary afterwards . She loves me dearly and looks after me however she can but I kind of feel like I am not being honest with her. I am not a perfect partner either as I am always exhausted and just don't feel like doing anything all day. Don't know how I can fix this as I am starting to get attached to another girl unbeknownst to my partner. I don't want her to go back to her family because they are still very incompetent and has been taking most of her pension when she was living with them. They have disappointed me quite a few times when I she needed help while I was away. Their priorities doesn't include her. This isn't what I had in mind when we got engaged and moved in together. I don't honestly know what to do or how to fix it

Scotty68 Deleted from my daughter’s life
  • replies: 4

I live in a loveless relationship of convenience. My (ex) partner has erased me from her past and present, although we still live under the same roof. Neither of us has acknowledged to the other that’s it’s over. I suffer from extremely low self este... View more

I live in a loveless relationship of convenience. My (ex) partner has erased me from her past and present, although we still live under the same roof. Neither of us has acknowledged to the other that’s it’s over. I suffer from extremely low self esteem and can’t bear to jeopardise the fragment of normalcy our relationship provides. From her side, I assume she just wants me around to provide a household income and support her retail requirements, although she Is often jealous of other families better financial circumstances. i can accept all of this. What upsets me tremendously is that we have a 17 yo daughter who has and is effectively being raised as a single parent child. My partner has basically excluded me from her life as I have been erased from hers. Since she hasn’t worked since our daughter was born, she’s had the opportunity to micromanage every aspect of our daughters life - school, activities etc. I’m not involved in anything really. I don’t go to parent/teacher nights because I I’m not told about them and when I do know, it’s made clear that she will be going. obviously this situation is very messed up for me. I have one child and have missed out on a lot of her childhood while living under the same roof as her dad. Ironically, I think I would be more involved in her life if her mother and I were living apart. i guess what I’m looking for with respect to support is perhaps some feedback on why this is happening. I know it takes two to tangle and the situation could not be so bad without me allowing it to. My lack of self esteem has really made it hard to voice my frustration. What I dont understand is whether my partner is actually aware that her actions are causing me such sadness. Perhaps she doesn’t know that what she is doing is not right. This would simply make her very selfish and unempathetic. Or is she completely aware and actively seeking to erase me from our daughter’s life. i genuinely don’t know the answer to this and would appreciate feedback from anyone who has experience in this situation or simply has a better insight into this than I do. Thankyou. .

Gray93 An involuntary fresh start
  • replies: 1

A few years ago I found myself really struggling with my mental state and I thought moving to another country would ease some feelings and bring new things to the equation. I had a really solid group of friends before I moved, the kind I thought I’d ... View more

A few years ago I found myself really struggling with my mental state and I thought moving to another country would ease some feelings and bring new things to the equation. I had a really solid group of friends before I moved, the kind I thought I’d never find and would keep forever. My best friend of 6yrs was struggling with depression and would lean on me often even with the distance. It was difficult because I was trying to sort myself out and he would accuse me of leaving him and not caring if he killed himself while I was away. But then he would shake it off and we would resume our usual banter. It was a constant rotation. Until I had two weeks until I was moving home and he messaged to say I had better message him any last words before it was too late. As I was a time one apart I missed his messages and he’d already blocked me. He accompanied this with a Snapchat of him insinuating he was going to kill himself. I called my parents at home, my friend to see if someone could check on him. I eventually got word he was okay but he didn’t touch base with me until a week after. He took that time to tell me I’d been the cause of his depression over the last 6yrs and that I was too shallow to like him how he liked me. He then described our relationship and all the times I made him feel rejected and how he’d hurt himself after each one. it’s been more than a year that I’ve been back, all my friends have moved on and I’ve lost the most obvious and who I would’ve considered my best friend. I miss him so much and even after all the hurtful things he’s said to me I am constantly thinking about reaching out to him. I have no one to talk to about it. My boyfriend hates the things he’s said to me and doesn’t like me mentioning him. I couldn’t love him how he wanted but I still loved him. I just feel so alone these days, my partner is great but doesn’t understand the grief I suffered before him which I still hold on to.

pvroom Hello - I'm at my wit's end
  • replies: 4

Hello, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I have two autistic and ADHD kids who are home 24/7 as they cannot attend childcare / school for many reasons. My husband has severe depression, he's also autistic and ADHD. I love the... View more

Hello, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I have two autistic and ADHD kids who are home 24/7 as they cannot attend childcare / school for many reasons. My husband has severe depression, he's also autistic and ADHD. I love them all! But I am like the personal assistant, mum, wife etc. I am over it! I can't talk to anyone because every single person says 'make your kids go to school' etc. I've had childcare providers tell me they can't help me. I've had childcare providers tell me it's in my head and question my kids diagnosis (please see my paediatrician GRRRR). It's sooooooooo frustrating. We need help. My husband is on the edge, I can see it, hear it, feel it. I'm worried. My kids are beautiful but hard work. So hard. I'm sorry for venting. But, I just feel trapped.

white knight Tolerance of other people part 2
  • replies: 6

In this section I want to talk about work colleagues. Having mania has resulted in around 90 jobs with 15 professions. I'm now retired. From that 40 years of employment I can tell you that I've now got 2 close friends from those workplaces still in m... View more

In this section I want to talk about work colleagues. Having mania has resulted in around 90 jobs with 15 professions. I'm now retired. From that 40 years of employment I can tell you that I've now got 2 close friends from those workplaces still in my life. Not many. This to me highlights that seeking compatibility from a work colleague isnt very likely. We meet through working for the same employer not from joining a group sharing the same interests like a hobby or sport. That workplace is the main source of conversation and so when we move on to other jobs we hardly maintain enthusiasm to talk about our old work colleagues and the politics surrounding it. For this reason to maintain a good level of mental health for your workplace I promote that you keep your distance from other employees. In particular group gatherings like lunch rooms. I've not experienced many lunchrooms where there is lack of toxicity. So what is the alternatives? I'd suggest if you live nearby a good habit is to go home for lunch. I had one colleague that had his favourite spot in a factory corner where he had 2 chairs, one for him and one for his lunch and newspaper. I'd join him at times but he purposely didnt add more chairs as that would defeat the purpose of his preferred isolation. Another important way to tolerate workmate is not to join them in after hours entertainment. This could be difficult if you are asked as a team to meet for a xmas party for example. My methos (eventually) was to attend for a short time, say 30 minutes and have one drink then slip away. I'd leave many to their choice of buttering up the bosses, getting to know the bosses wife/husband with aspirations that the boss would promote them the next year. It never happened. In fact often the behaviour of some drunken workers at such events or their slip of poor choice of words resulted in them NOT being promoted. The fact is that your private life and the entertainment you like is better served limiting social activities outside working life. Workplace squabbles can be difficult to tolerate. You want to avoid a workplace that mentally, you end up distressed. TonyWK