My daughter's 20th birthday today but I am blocked from all contact.

[Nothappyuni]

I never thought about having kids till one day when I saw a father and his five or six year old daughter, that moment something changed inside me. My wife decided we had to have a house first, then when she was ready we would have a child. I hoped for a girl, my wife wanted a boy- we had the most beautiful girl. It was a horrific labor that left my wife second-guessing her feelings for our daughter. My wife decided at only weeks that our baby should go in her own room. I would come home from work desperate to hold my daughter, and my wife would eagerly hand her over- the crying and screaming would always end as soon as she was in my arms. My wife did 'Controlled Crying' on my daughter when she was 7 months old. I cried more than my daughter hearing her anguish as she was left in her room till eventually it was agreed I would put my daughter to bed every night. I took singing lessons and learnt songs- and sang her to sleep in my arms (no more tears). We were inseparable as she grew. Having given birth to the boy she always wanted, my wife lost herself in him while I strived to be equal in my dealings with both my children. I was active in every part of their lives volunteering, taking up positions to be there. The break down of my marriage was slow, I knew it was happening but my partner would tell me I was stupid and seeing things. Insults and put downs, constant nagging, never being happy with my income or achievements- the original love of my life was slowly destroying me. The strain of the relationship, work and family commitments meant I was short tempered and irritable. Pushed by my wife I raised my voice at times and the kids were quickly told "See, your father IS a bastard". The final years my wife spent secretly telling both my children all her pent up ill feelings for me, though I never heard anything but a forced "I love you" when she went to work. My daughter could see it all though, and told me. I had texts from my X about how she planned to leave the family and live with another guy she worked with, showing the kids would only cause harm, I love them too much to hurt them more. My X took to drinking, a lot of drinking- I don't think it is a good role model for your children (They were now late teens). I left my home and my family of 25 years when my then wife attended one marriage counselling session and walked out when told both of us had blame. My kids had only their mother's words in their ears there after. I so miss my daughter.

[mmMekitty]

Hello, & welcome to the forum, Nothappy@uni,

Your story of your marriage & family is so very heart-breaking. I don't have any personal experience to guide my response. My parents, had a tumultuous realationship. I'm refer to my father & (ex-)stepmother. I don't remember my early childhood before he & my mother divorced. Stories differ as to why he had custody of their ckids. Now I can nevr know what happened.

I didn't like it then,& I really don't like it now, when I recall how my father would bring us in to witness how my (ex-)stepmother was behaving during some of their fights, pointing out how outrageous she was, while I think his own actions were so very unhelpful!

Eventually, as kids grow up, into adults, & (if they are mature enough( they reflect upon how they were parented. As difficult as my (ex-)stepmother was towards me, I actually feel some sympathy for her. I also see how my father contributed in his own way, not intervening to ensure she did not say the things she did. Also seeing a little how he manipulated us & her, for some personal pleasure, (I don't know), of his own.

Sadly, they both lost me. She long ago, he later, after I could not continue trying given his response.

I can only hope your daughter does, at some point, begin to think independently, & examine how supportive you were, & how your wife treated her, & she sees who has her best interest in mind & deed. If you continue to treat her with love & respect, & never try to dissuade her or tell her what to think, like you say her mother has, & don't denograte her mother, you will have a better chance of reconciling with your daughter.

I know this is not promising for the short-term, & I'm sorry I can't offer better.

All the best,

mmMekitty

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Nothappy@uni

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you kindly for this most touching post.
May I ask: how do you contact your children these days? Or how do they contact you? Is this a regular contact or random? Can you encourage it? I am sure your kids would be willing after having and remembering all the love and care you have given them over the years.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Learn to Fly,

I have had zero contact with my son for many years; one night before I left my family, he told me he had manipulated his mother to force our break up. Most of his friends came from broken families and he thought it looked cool having two houses, two birthday parties, two X-mas parties etc, plus his mother let him drink and use substances while under age. I did not agree, when psychologists didn't work/were ignored- my only avenue was to leave, I would not be that "bastard" that I was being projected as. I love them all deeply, but I could not stand by and watch, nor find my thoughts and concerns laughed at and ignored. They say time heals all wounds. For my daughter I have all the time in the world, honestly if she needed my heart to survive there would not be a second's hesitation in giving it to her. One day she will understand.

[quirkywords]

Not happy @uni

Thanks for sharing your sad story.

There are quite a few parents estranged from their adult children.

I hope one day your children will realise how loving and caring you are and contact you.

A friends daughter contacted her after nearly ten years.

She kept a journal and write letters to her daughter so she felt she was still in contact.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Nothappy@uni

I agree with you and quirkywords. One day your daughter will understand. You were such an incredible father for her when she needed you most: during their childhood. We carry these memories in our hearts for the rest of our lives. I am sure is will appreciate you and things that you did for her will not be forgotten.