I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

[GoodWitch]

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

[positive-vibes]

Hi geoff

I have seen you post so many times on BB and I want to thank you for taking the time to do so. You seem to have been where many people are and you have provided such positive and helpful information.
My marriage seems to be going down the path of how yours was by the sounds of it. Sorry to hijack Goodwitchs post but I didnt know how else to contact you to get some insight..
My husband of 10 years was diagnosed with depression last year after our business went bad, he had a major operation (which he now says he only did to keep me happy, it was a weight loss thing) so has alot of resentment, I found out this year he was only sneakily usingcocaine for 7 months until i busted him in JAN this year, since then he has stopped but taken up drinking instead to numb his pain and his depression has gotten worse. He wont get help, tells me he is fine and will fix himself, and now has become so insecure and doesnt like how happy I act with the kids, apparently Im hiding something and must be up to something as im not showing him love.. I dont get it. After putting up with his issues for 18 months I start to look after my health and im the bad one? I want to know, can an alcoholic just stop like that cold turkey, he told me he has (4 weeks sober) I said i think he needs help professionally he says no. he stopped the cocaine so the beer will be easy,. I feel anxious now with him around and if i didnt have the kids i would have left already but he keeps saying he loves me and the 2 kids and I stay hoping that he hopefully will change. But lately he is so on edge, second guessing everything i do! its starting to do my head in. I want to have a break send him to his parents for a month or 2 but he says that means i dont love him or want him and he will just go into a darker hole and start drinking and doing drugs again as no one obviously wants him! His parents are alcoholics too.. Im confused. How were you thinking in this stage? If you wife left did you get worse? I dont want the kids to suffer if we do seperate, god knows what he will get up to or say to them when its his turn to have them. At least now at home I can keep an eye on him and make the kids lives happy and fun by spending every day with them. I dont ever want him to be alone with them as sad as it sounds. But i feel as though his mind games of 'you dont show you love me? is there some1 else? who are you messaging at work when Im not around? Why dont you hold my hand in public" is really getting me

[GoodWitch]

Oi positive-vibes, it sounds like you're struggling with a lot. Thanks for responding to my thread I'm happy it's helped. Your situation while similar in some ways is a bit different as you have the extra issue of your husband's addictions to deal with. I totally understand everything you are saying though, my brother is a life-long alcoholic and he has lost his life, money, family, everything because of it. So I'm familiar with the mind games and destruction alcoholism can cause. The cocaine is another issue again--it seems like your hub is willing to try anything to self-medicate, when what he really needs to do is reach out, and to take responsibility.

I can't say it's impossible for an addict to quit cold turkey on their own, but it would be a rare case I think. Usually working a program like AA or similar gives the person the best chance. I can see why you wouldn't be ready to trust this recent change. Your hub sounds like he's still in the denial/blame stage, where he tries to put the blame for his behaviour onto others. My bro never got out of that stage, he's still there. I hope for better results for you.

There is an addiction/substance abuse topic here, maybe you could hop over there and see what others living with addicts might be saying. Also Al-anon might be an option. If your husband won't talk to someone it doesn't mean you can't. It sounds like you are doing the right thing prioritising your health and the happiness of your kids right now. Your new confidence is threatening your husband..but that is his issue, his insecurity talking. Don't stop putting your best foot forward because of his behaviour.

Best - GW

[geoff]

Hi Positive-vibes, I'm so sorry I missed your reply, I should have checked on 'My Threads' my mistake and I apologise so much.

To answer your first question can an alcoholic stop cold turkey, it can be done but is difficult, although that's what I did several times just stopped, and one reason was I wanted to go a friend's wedding at night in a month's time, knew that I would be leaving early, so I had to drive and didn't want to be picked over .05, so I knew I couldn't drink and there were other reasons that I had my mind set on, a goal I wanted to achieve, so for me I had an aim, but to others I know it's not.

If your husband has been using cocaine and then alcohol it takes enormous strength to stop any urges from either one of these or if the two are being used, and medical guidance would be the best way for him to stop.

On four occasions I had to go in for surgery and each time the orthopaedic surgeon/doctor asked me to hold my hands out in front of me, they weren't shaking and didn't have the DT's, I think that's why I could stop.

If he goes to his parents who are alcoholics, then he will start again, I know that's not the point, you deserve a break with your kids and as GW has said Al-Anon is good, they came and spoke to my 2 boys who actually enjoyed them coming.

When my wife left me on numerous occasions, the majority was when I was working 100 hours a week in hotels and didn't have time to see her and the boys, I can't blame her and it wasn't fair for them and feel so sorry to them, hindsight is a difficult word to understand.

It was a shock when I found she had taken the kids, but I had to realise why she did it, and yes, probably it worsened but that wasn't her fault, just as if you leave it's certainly not yours.

I would be doing exactly the same, leaving, if the reverse was happening.

I agree totally with what you have said 'that you shouldn't leave them alone with him'.

These are 2 powerful addictions and it's known that when you are taking one, the other one follows, and because he says he's not doing it, certainly doesn't mean he's sober, and cupboard drinkers develop, I was one, and drugs can be done behind the scenes, which I never used.

Can I say that when the divorce went through, the house was sold and I moved into a rental house, that's when I suddenly improved, and I'm not blaming my ex-wife.

There are ways for you to know if he is actually sober, so please get back to me, and again very sorry for being so late.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[positive-vibes]

Thank you Geoff and Goodwitch for your reply. So the last straw was on OCT 5th. I found he had a adult sex app on his phone when men can share photos of porn and chat to the women, i was grossed out and confronted him, again he blamed me for making him feel unloved. Mind you the next day was our 11 year wedding anniversary geez. My heart said No more! I told him to get out and leave. He went so angry and started punching holes in the house - the kids were at school still luckily. I did something i never thought i would do.. i called the police on my husband. They came out and took a statement and said it was a form of DV. I was heart broken, they later arrested him drunk. An AVO was placed on him and 7 days later he broke it! With harassing phone calls, sms and stalking from outside the home. He then told me he would kill himself that night. My husband is not the man i once knew. He is mentally unwell and in denial. The kids came home and sadly knew 'what had dad done mum!' This is not the life the kids or I deserve! We have been separated for 5 weeks, the kids are not upset over it and see him once a week, his mind games and manipulations are still going - saying that he loves me but Im not letting him come back so im hurting him. He even once said fine Im selling the house! to be spiteful, so i went and spoke with real estate, the next day he was crying saying no dont sell our home! All this time i wanted him to get help! To grow up and be a good man and dad, but hes acting like a rebel teenager doing everything he can for me to cave in and let him come back. He is living with his parents who are not that much better. but thats not up to me to send him in to the right direction of where and who he needs to see. He is and adult who needs to make the right choices now. He said he went to a physc and got medication so he will be fine now. I know he is still talking and visiting his ex-drug dealer, so im not sure if he has even stopped the drugs or booze yet. He saying he is stressed so I know he will turn to one of these self medications to help him. I feel happy without him, but also guilty and sad that its come to this. I've asked for alot of space to heal, he will still email me 3 times a day as he said he needs to vent to me and i need to listen.
Im now at a tough decision on where do i go from here.. I dont love this man anymore and Ive told him that, but he wont let go. I think we both need space so we can heal and move forward but how do i do this?

[GoodWitch]

I'm so sorry the situation degenerated to this, positive-vibes. It sounds like asking him to leave was the right thing to do, as was calling the police. No violence should be tolerated and you need a record of his behaviour as well, in case anything gets worse (hopefully not). I don't think your hub is dealing with his addictions at all, as in trying to get clean. Getting psychiatric meds isn't going to help if he doesn't quit the illicit drugs.

You're right, he's an adult who must take responsibility for his own choices. I don't know how to stop him emailing you and trying to drag you back in, but keep a record of all the incidences, don't delete them. If he has an AVO I believe emailing you breaches that (you should check what yours says). It's sad but it reads like you are at the point where you need to take care of yourself and your children first, and cut off contact with him as much as you can under the circumstances. I know I said don't delete the emails, but that doesn't mean you have to read them. And I wouldn't respond either. Separate yourself emotionally as much as you can so you can be healthy for your kids, who will need you right now more than ever.

Wishing you the best

GW

[GoodWitch]

Hi all,

I wanted to check in and ask how everyone was going? And to update

Last year was one of the hardest I've ever been through. Reading back over my posts I see the horrible journey and it pains me. I'm embarrassed in a way, too, because I was so positive I had to leave & now I haven't. Part of me thinks I've failed to stand up for myself. Like I chickened out.

On the other hand, I'm trying to change my outlook on life and my marriage. For years I've had leaving in the back of my mind. I didn't bother arguing about things because 'I'll leave in a few years who cares?' was my attitude. Now I'm trying to make decisions based on the possibility that this relationship won't end. It feels freeing in one way. Such a relief not to be so negative. Not to have that secret thought running in my head all the time. We're thinking of selling our house & buying one more suitable. We've planned a brief holiday as a family. It's good stuff. But also I wonder - did I just give up? Am I now in some kind of Stockholm syndrome situation? lol. I think I needed my husband's help to leave him, & he wouldn't help me with that (I get why). I couldn't break up my girls' family on my own, if that makes sense. I couldn't be the bad guy there, as surely I would have been. My relationship with my kids is the most important in my life & I couldn't risk damaging it. So I stayed.

So now I'm just...here. Neither happy nor unhappy & I'm wondering - is this it? Is this what a 21yr long relationship is? I appreciate my hub, am thankful for the work he's done trying to be more open about his feelings. he's going through things of his own with his family etc. & I support him. I can see the weight coming off his shoulders. We talk more openly. We're also a good team, parenting wise. But there's no passion. I've had sex with him once, a few weeks ago. It was fine. Just fine. I don't find the thought of it repugnant now but I'm also not interested in it. I don't know how I'll ever view it as anything other than a favour to him. Is that just a bullet I have to bite (so to speak)?

I feel like staying in my marriage was choosing the lesser of 2 evils. If I think about it too much that thought is sad so I'm trying to look forward & do positive things for my relationship & my health. I don't know what I'm asking here, but maybe, is this as good as it gets? Can I achieve something like happiness from this or should I stop chasing that? maybe all there is, is acceptance

Best

GW

[Breegirl]

Hello GW - I feel the same way as you, I was looking to leave my husband late last year but certain things have happened and I haven't part of which is I am scared of being on my own with my kids. I am the same not happy nor unhappy just being but trying to do things that I enjoy and try to fill my cup where possible. I still don't think I will stay but for now I am OK, the anti depressants have really helped me too. I too feel gutless and like I should have or should just do it! Nice to know we are not alone in this 🙂

[GoodWitch]

Thanks for the update, Breegirl, I've wondered how you were getting along. Glad the meds have helped.

It's so hard isn't it? Hard to know what's the right thing to do, I feel like any move I make is going to make someone unhappy. The thought of being on my own is scary but I was willing to do that...it was the idea the kids would blame me, maybe hate me one day. And that my hub would find them a stepmother they liked better than me. Sounds stupid but...I guess I wasn't strong enough. I've put everything into being their mother, if I lost them even half the time, I feel like everything would have been for nothing. I truly feel this was the only choice I could make for my current circumstances. Who knows what the long term future will bring though.

Wishing you health and peace

GW

[GoodWitch]

Well I lost it a bit this morning, said I can't keep doing this. One of the things I asked him to do when I said I would stay and try one more time was respect my boundaries (physically). I outlined exactly what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with. Through the course of all this therapy I've been able to come to terms with the fact I am very afraid to be touched, always have been, due to episodes that happened in my early adolescence. I don't want to go into that, but I admit I've tried to pretend physical intimacy doesn't bother me for my whole adult life, but it does. I need someone to warn me when they're going to touch me, every time. I've told hub that, and he said he understood.

He doesn't. He doesn't understand anything I've explained to him. He's tried, I know. But he puts his own needs above mine, most of the time, and he doesn't even realise he's doing it. He's emotionally immature, still, even after the work he has already done and I can't keep bearing the pain of his missteps and mistakes, if that makes sense? I'm lost and heartsick. I can't go on like this. I told him the marriage was over, that I didn't have it in me to keep working on it if, after basically saying he was desperate to give it another try and would do whatever I said, he can't do the first most important thing that was on my list.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or what, but I just can't believe he can't just respect what I asked. There are other things of course, but this just feels like the last thing I can cope with.

Sorry just venting. My husband still seems to think this is something I'm doing to him, not something we've done to each other and I don't know how cooperative he's going to be going forward. He already refused once to move out when I suggested it. I don't know who I should contact. I don't want to go to a lawyer yet and I no longer trust the marriage counsellor since I feel like she's on my husbands side, which may be wrong but it feels like that. She basically told me I was ruining my children's lives with all this, like I'm not dealing with 20yrs of pain, like I haven't twisted myself in knots to try to make this work already.

I'm at a loss

GW

[quirkywords]

GW

I have not posted on this thread before but I have

read it and been following your honest posts.

I can feel your exhaustion and frustration through your words.

I can understand through you efforts to work so hard to save your marriage to have your husband not really understand the pain you have endured and the trouble you have with physical intimacy.

Would it be possible to have a week away from each other to give you both time to think and plan.?

The other thing and I am not sure if it is still available is mediation, which are trained mediators who help couples have a amicable separation.

Thanks again for sharing your stories ,

Quirky