I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

GoodWitch · ‎10-05-2018

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

GoodWitch · ‎08-05-2019

No I appreciate you saying that Shelly Anne. I know you're right, I probably shouldn't have posted here the other day when I was so angry. Bitterness was exactly what I was trying to avoid by asking him to leave the house - i feel my anger growing at every little thing he does and at least if we're not living together that would improve. We talked about it more this morning, fought more like it, and there are definitely things we are never going to agree on. But I do know we both want the best for our kids and he's not a terrible person, just lacking in some understanding and fallible like anyone. I want to move on so I can forgive him for the times he hurt me, intentionally or not. I just know I can't do that while we're still sharing this cramped space.

Thank you for your words no offence taken. My MIL is a very bitter woman, still complains about her marriage to my hub's father even though it ended over 20 years ago. I know I don't want to end up like her - it's just I feel it's the staying and 'sticking it out' for the kids is what's more likely to do that to me. I have to go so I can grow

GW

Breegirl · ‎08-05-2019

I commend you for what you are doing and the line that has stood out for me is you need to leave to grow - that is exactly how I feel too. As I have mentioned previously I have tried leaving my husband late last year twice with no luck and just falling back into old habits. I have been saving money and buying furniture the past few months in preparation to move out into a rental on my own - I want to move out get a new start and the kids will be fine as long as we have each other it will be terrible for a while but it is for the best in the long run and I want both my kids to see what real happinness is. Thinking of you GW xx

Sophie225 · ‎14-05-2019

Hi all

I have been reading this thread with some interest, as I too am in a similar situation. Seems that after 20+ years of marriage men appear to be happy with 'ok', but after having raised 2 kids, worked full time, done all of the housework, all of the thinking for everyone, I am not ok with 'ok'.

I know that I am unhappy, and that I need some sort of affection (which I don't get at home). I have a very good job, and my kids are in their early 20s (but living at home), so I am in a bit of a different situation as I am not really sure what I am staying for, other than I suppose I'm scared! I am a pretty tough cookie (have to be for my job), but even with kids in their early 20s they are still going to be upset, not to mention my husband.

Anyway, please keep us updated on your progress everyone, and if anyone comes up with 'the answer' please share it!!!!!

Labs4life · ‎25-05-2019

Hi Good Witch

I have read all your post. I’m in a similar situation been married for 12 years have 2 kids aged 8&5. We have had bad downs for the last 5 years ever since his dad passed away. When that happened he drunk every night, ignored me and the kids went out nearly every night I had no idea where he was. I was dealing with a 4month old baby and a 3 yo. Created a lot of emotional demons in me that I pushed down. Lots of fights. Counselling. Now the this year he has been at it again drinking every night not coming home. No communication but still expects me to be intimate. I’m home alone and I’m wanting a way to move out we have a mortgage and I know he won’t want to leave. I feel like he has changed so much and no matter how many times I tell him how I feel and he says sorry I will change and he doesn’t.

I have no family for support. I have no idea where to start. How did you know about Centrelink thing? For now I can definitely rearrange a kids bedroom for me to sleep in the same room as my daughter.

I just can’t keep being in a marriage with no communication or love for my feelings and my passions (which is studying to get back to work)

I’m so lost and upset.

Thanks for listening. And I hope things have gotten better.

geoff · ‎25-05-2019

Hi Labs4life, if I can just say that technically you are separated if you live in the same house but in different rooms and then able to apply for Centrelink payments depending on the circumstances of how much money you earn, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Love and affection are needed to keep a couple together, even the occasional kiss on the cheek reassures someone that they are loved and appreciated.

Geoff.

Labs4life · ‎25-05-2019

Thanks for the reply Geoff

Im not working at the moment (studying) which makes it harder. I have been on the internet looking for help. I seen a page about trial separation, which I would think is the next step but I have no personal money. I can’t see a trial separation working if I stay in the house with him as he will still except me to do all his washing/cooking and everything else.

I will be reaching out to a friend who has divorced with 2 kids to get some advice and another friend who lives alone and I hope I can find a place to stay for a month or so.

Labs4life · ‎25-05-2019

So he finally told me he doesn’t love me and he has been hiding it for years. Deep down I’ve known but he’s broken my heart 💔

Getting_Stronger · ‎25-05-2019

I have just read all the posts and updates and see I am not alone here. I've been married for nearly 24 years and over the past 5 years, our family life has deteriorated dramatically. Due to some issues, my husband has become the worst version of himself - pretty much the opposite of what I married. I've come to realise that his behaviour all along has been emotionally and verbally abusive and that I have been doing whatever I can to keep him happy and the anger at bay. He's been like this with our kids too - particularly with the oldest and youngest. It got so bad that he spoils every special date with his anger and anything can set him off - a lot of the time we don't know what. His last major episode was around 3 months ago and I have nothing left, I am spent. I have realised the extent of trauma he's caused the kids and have had to apologise to them countless times for not protecting them, and I have explained that I have been scared. Now that his last screaming episode was not tolerated (I had a moment of clarity and told him that it was abusive and we could have our kids taken away due to his abuse), he'd now going with the pity manipulation, nastiness and control, mostly with the kids as I call him out on most of the crap he throws at me (not that we are really talking very much). We tried marriage counselling a few years back and he stared down the counsellor when he didn't like what they said and we walked out with him saying sorry that didn't work, and that was that. We can't discuss any issues that might be remotely contentious because if I don't agree with him, he will not speak to me and will show his anger by staring me down or acting really hurt as if I have hurt him. Most times I come out of these interactions wondering what happened. I am in the process of looking into separation as the kids and I are on eggshells and are trying not to poke the bear, but he is trying to start issues. I earn very little and am studying so the process ahead is quite daunting. To realise that I am in a family violence situation is very confronting and I never thought this would be me. I've had the courage to tell 3 people other than my psychologist so it is becoming more real. No real point to my download but it feels good to get it off my chest a bit.

Labs4life · ‎29-05-2019

Hi Getting Stronger

I’m sorry you are going through this and he isn’t treating you and the kids right.

I know how daunting it is with the financial aspect as I don’t work I’m studying at the moment and trying to go through Centrelink to get a single parent allowance has been very hard specially when the staff aren’t helpful at all.

Its great that you have reached out to some people. It has been my saviour reaching out and telling 3 friends, they have been so supportive i would not have survived if it wasn’t for them.

Sending hugs 🌸

GoodWitch · ‎29-05-2019

I agree Centrelink is very difficult to deal with but if you have not enough personal income to support yourself it is the way you have to go to get what you can from your husband so you can support your children. I hope you persevere. Geoff was right you can apply to be considered separated while still living under one roof, there is a form on the Centrelink website if you search 'separated under one roof' you should be able to find it. It is long and complicated, very daunting but maybe less so the second time you look at it. It takes time to face all you need to face.

It's also great that you are sharing your struggles with friends. I have found that telling people the truth is little by little setting me free from feeling like I'm so alone. My hub and I have now told the kids we will be separating in near future and he has moved into a separate room - he had to convert the study into a bedroom but nearly all that. I had to push for this he wanted to delay it again, even though we agreed on the date, but I'm glad I insisted as it has taken a weight off my shoulders. The kids are handling it so far better than I dreaded, but of course the anger/distress might come later when things actually sink in.

I know it's all very hard. Sending everyone who is struggling love and support ((( )))

GW