I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

GoodWitch · ‎10-05-2018

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

Labs4life · ‎29-05-2019

Hi GoodWitch

He has moved out, which makes it better for me but hard on the kids. I’m getting through it with the support of friends. Kids have started to get angry and ‘act’ out (I don’t know any way of saying they aren’t bad it’s just their way of coping) talked their teachers and they suggested Anglicare might have something for them and us to get through it all with help.

I’ve had a few rough days only coz he didn’t keep in contact with me it was just through the kids. I said if you want to be friends then I need some communication from you apart from just what you are going to do with kids. Thankfully he listened and has been a bit better but it’s only been one day. I hope we can get through this without getting bitter towards each other.

With centrelink I know I have to do it, I have done it but I have to wait to receive my sons birth certificate to verify he is my son. So hopefully I can do that soon and start the ball rolling and I will feel much better to receive something that’s not from my ex.

i hope you are going ok with the separation. I’m here for you need to talk.

Getting_Stronger · ‎30-05-2019

Thank you for your reply, it is appreciated. I've been told to talk to a social worker at Centrelink so maybe that might help you too. There can be so much conflicting advice re payments. I have a friend who did not get any payments for months. I've been putting a bit of money aside in a new account so that will help a little.

Breegirl · ‎07-06-2019

I haven't written on here for a little while - I am finally leaving my husband in two weeks - found a nice rental for myself and my 2 beautiful kids. I am leaving him a letter and will talk face to face at a later date as the last few times I have tried to leave he manages to turn everything around on me and I don't go through with it. I need to move forward and find happinness within and I know I can do that on my own. Am scared, anxious and nervous but deep down I have the strength and I need to have the strength for my children.

GoodWitch · ‎13-06-2019

I hope it goes well for you Bree. Sounds like writing a letter is the best way, given how much trouble you've had before. You need to do what's best for you and your kids. Let me know how it goes.

The separate bedrooms thing we are doing is better than how it was before, but still not ideal as it's hard to be in the same house no matter what. It doesn't seem to bother my hub at all and I know I'll have to give him another nudge about finding some place else in a couple of months (both my girls have birthdays in the next 2 months and I agreed he should wait until after that to move out). Spoke to my mother, through this whole process we've gotten closer which is an unexpected side bonus. She's told me things about her first unhappy marriage that I never knew. She said most men wouldn't want to leave no matter the emotional aspects bec they have someone taking care of their life for them lol. So true! I still cook meals for the whole family - I do it for the kids more than him but I can't bring myself to refuse to cook for him or do the washing...It seems to petty and ridiculous.

Anyway, I've asked him to make moves to leave by Spring...hope he remembers he agreed to that, hah.

Take care

GW

Tails91 · ‎13-06-2019

Goo d witch i feel as tho I’ve written this except we been together 7 yrs and only married 2 I only married him to do the right thing but the connection still isn’t there I’ve tryed so hard and the intmincy is getting less n less we’re I dread it takes me months to build myself up n please him and him only but I’ve just realised my sexually attracted to women I thought I was broken but I’m not I’m just living the wrong life and I love him but no in love with him I feel for our kids to am torn between waiting for kids to grow up or bite the bullet please reply

GoodWitch · ‎19-06-2019

Sorry Tails, I only just saw your post.

I understand what you are going through, feeling like you are living the wrong life. I tried to make everything look 'picture perfect' and it got me nowhere, but it's something a lot of us do. You say you think you are sexually attracted to women. Have you explored the topic on here called Sexuality and Gender Identity? There may be some stories there from people who also found themselves living the 'right' kind of life only to realise it wasn't right for them. If you are gay you cannot force yourself to stay in a heterosexual relationship, you will be nothing but miserable and the kids will find out eventually. One thing I realised going through all this is that there is never a good time to leave, no age that will make it less upsetting. The only things that lessens the impact are honesty and kindness and love. I know people whose parents broke up when they were adults who are still very effected by it, it was one of the things that made me realise waiting for them to grow up wasn't necessarily doing them any favours. The other was realising how much trying to ignore how I felt was destroying me - destroying their mother.

Kids need healthy parents so they can grow to be healthy people. You need to be true to yourself so they can see what that looks like, and they can know their own truth too. Can you get away for a while? even a week or so so you can think about what you really want? Do you need to explore your sexuality a bit, or do you know for sure you're attracted to women? If you know for certain, the best thing to do is be honest about it. You can't stay trapped in a marriage that denies your true identity.

Hope you check back to see this.

All the best

GW

Taylz2029 · ‎22-06-2019

Hi Goodwitch,

Firstly I just wanted to say thank you for the thread. I came across it after I have spent the evening googling ‘wanting to separate’.

I feel guilty. My husband is a sweet and kind man. He does a lot and I feel like I should be greatful. But lately I have not felt any sort of attraction or feelings towards him other than those of a friend. We have been together 13 years.

i used to be vibrant, confident, happy. Now I’m depressed, irritable and frustrated. I’ve been worn down by him and I’m exhausted.

He’s socially awkward. I hate to admit it but there’s times when I am embarrassed. I feel more comfortable when he’s not there. I avoid going out when he wants to come, because I know that I will not enjoy myself because I’ll constantly be trying to save his conversations. He is a super literal person and explains things in painful detail, to the point where people lose interest. He does the same to me at home- telling me stories that go forever and have no real point or purpose. He has no real friends and can’t hold conversations with people. His conversation is just him telling long winded stories and not listening to what the other person is saying/ asking questions.

He struggles with emotions. He doesn’t understand them and is completely unable to share the ‘emotional load’ in the relationship. I also do most of the chores, and I carry the full mental load in the household. I’m so sick of it! I have to hold his hand to do anything and he needs to be constantly reminded to do things.

He is also very beta. He won’t walk into a room first, he shuffles behind me so I have to. He won’t speak to the customer service officer at the shop, I have to. He won’t negotiate with the car salesman, I have to. I just want a man for once.

Lately the thought of him touching me actually makes me feel ill.

I feel sad that it has become like this. I feel like I should be greatful because he’s not a horrible person. But I am seriously toying with the idea of leaving. I am financially stable and we have no kids, so I know I will be fine in that respect.

I worry that my depression is playing with my head, causing me to feel this way. But then sometimes I believe he is the one who has made me depressed. The sad thing is, it’s not intentional. It’s just the way he is. His parents are the same, his family is the same. Am I horrible?

Mummakins · ‎22-06-2019

Hi Goodwitch

i have just started following you post, but haven’t read to the end yet, though maybe I should have first before responding. But your story/first post hit home for me. It is very close to my story in a lot of ways.

I will continue to follow along but just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you.

Ebi · ‎24-06-2019

Hi Taylz, just wanted to let you know that your situation really resonates with me. My husband is also socially awkward, in a different way to yours... He just won't talk at all, and he pretty much doesn't come out socially with me. But the result is the same...I feel absolutely worn down by it just like you. Even though there are so many good qualities in him that I love. We so have kids together though, so I feel really trapped! If I were you, I would leave that relationship if you don't think the situation can be improved by couples counseling. You have a right to be in a relationship where your social and emotional needs are met. It doesn't make you horrible at all.

Mountain_Air · ‎24-06-2019

Hi Taylz2029

I can relate to your post - especially about the part how your hub is beta; literally made me laugh out loud because it sounded like you were describing my hub. Sigh.