I've been thinking...

[Ms.Me]

My older brother recently told me that I think I am better than the family. So, what does one do? I have dragged myself up from the same situation they are in and it was stressful and hard work. It cost me dearly, but it was worth it. I have gained back my true self which family life stripped from me, and I've tried to help them up from their low existence by showing them the way. If there's a low form of existence, my family is in it.

There's having one's path blocked so that one cannot prosper and there's being content to be failures. Can we only blame others for so much and then we have to accept part blame ourselves? I'm wrestling with this question. I think there's winners and losers in life, and winners want it all to themselves and losers aren't fighting back. 

I realized recently that my ex-in-laws thought themselves better than my family, but over time they have shown themselves to be no better, in fact quite the opposite. I now look down my nose at everybody. How can that be wrong when their every action scrapes the barrel? I tried lifting them out of their mess but they seem to prefer life among the dregs of existence. Who is wrong? How do we approve of actions and lifestyles that are not desirable or respectable. I can only make excuses for them until doing so shows itself to be thoroughly inappropriate. What do you do when fine people are happy to underachieve? To be losers?

[white knight]

Hi' welcome

I think everyone needs to swim their own race and if you achieve more by hitting the finish line first them well done.

Class, we used to have class more prominently in this country but not now. I think your brother was insensitive to say what he said, perhaps it was obvious to him and you what he meant, that you are more successful than the family normal is represented by.

The most important job in a hospital is the cleaner, they stop disease spreading. So given that, a doctor, surgeon, nurse etc cannot function safely without a cleaner and a cleaner falling ill cannot do so without doctors and nurses. That demonstrates our chain of society whereby all links are needed to be an effective caring community.

A long time ago I observed my ex GF make a witty comment in reply to a friend that was complaining. It was monumental in that a few short words can cut through the mustard so to speak and ram home a good point. This technique could be beneficial to you. Eg  If your brother said "my sister is a class above me"... you could reply "it is your responsibility to find your ladder".  Another one- "my sister puts herself way above our family"... you can say "do you think I should pull you all up when you can climb yourself"?

This technique does a few things- it shuts them down quickly as they assume you are an easy touch for criticism. It nips it in the buds so quickly you'll surprise them. You'll stop an argument with short words.

The first page of this link sets it all out.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

Finally, there is an element of directed guilt (and/or jealousy) in your brothers comment.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604  

Reply anytime

TonyWK 

[Ms.Me]

Yes, white knight, we all do have to swim our own race but how sad that winning is so costly to family relationships. And while every rank on the ladder is important to the overall running of a society, when a family is constantly, generationally, on the lower rank and doesn't question what part they are playing in it, they will have to pardon me if I do. I know there are those who sabotage our every attempt to succeed, but it also comes from within the family—like not succeeding comes with no risk of failure, no risk of showing others up and it doesn't make waves in the status quo. My family is like the proverbial bucket of crabs pulling back in any who try to escape. I truly am at a loss as what to do. I'm not a loser and have no aspirations there. At least my brother recognized the gulf between us and it wasn't deliberate on my part. How can I be proud of such a family? There comes a time when you just can't pretend and have to concede that some of it, at least, is their/our own fault. We don't even have the sense to call a family meeting about this situation, to see how anything can be resolved or begun back on the road to correction. There is no other family I would rather have. I just want mine to wake up to themselves and to learn a better way, a higher way. United we stand, divided we fall. 

[white knight]

Dealing with people, even family can be exhausting. Trying to get them on an even plane, to consider our own views and harder still, to adopt those views is not easy because we are, as some feel, infringing on their own choices. This leads to frustration and your last post is a good example of that.

I believe it all comes down to attitudes and family convention. I've known many parents that are migrants from the Mediterranean that came to this country of opportunity and they worked hard to educate their children. When those children graduated then moved on to become doctors, lawyers and managers they were proud and I never sensed any jealousy or abrasiveness from them to their children. Furthermore and just as important those successful children never viewed their parents as inferior.

But families are different , all of them, how their conventional interactions are, their beliefs and their sometimes destructive attitudes. 

I'm unaware if you still live at home, if not if family differences are that frustrating then distance yourself can be one answer, especially a sibling that triggers you, if you feel triggered as it seems the case.

So there is not many options because you'll never implement "change" to the degree you desire. There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind however I've also known some family (in laws) that did so and that was ok for them to feel good to counter attitudes that she found ridiculous, but the change that person pursued was never accomplishable. Hence she left the family. There has to be a fine line to tread, to speak freely but in such a way as to be also not offensive. 

Can I ask, what do you want from your family? How do you want them to change? 

TonyWK 

[Ms.Me]

• Whiteknight, I'm 72 years old, divorced, not religious and I live alone. I have been rebuilt psychologically by a psychiatrist who took me to places I could not have previously encountered. He educated me, refined me, enabled me to travel and see something of the world. It wasn't difficult but it took steely determination and prioritisation. It cost me everything because no member of my family would come with me and when I am offered the opportunity for self-improvement, I grasp it with both hands and am grateful for it. The alternative was to be inferior to all, a shell of a person, unskilled and uneducated. That hurt, and a lifetime of it ahead of me was not to be considered.
• What do I want for my family, of birth and for my own? A moral code and standards more in line with our class instead of with the bottom of the barrel. I'm a firm believer in Noblesse Oblige. There are social obligations for all of us. We all create the playing field for the next generations and that is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. Children learn by example, not by half-hearted rules and instructions. And none of us is ever too old to learn a better way, so I'm not making excuses for them anymore.
• I am just angry that my family is like a 'herd' of cats instead of upright citizens and members of a united family. I'm angry that they criticise me when they should be looking at themselves. They are just repeating another generation of all the mistakes that have gone before and adding a few more.
• I guess this situation is every man, woman and child for him- or herself, and that just makes me sad. We are all distanced, white knight, like there was a bomb blast that blew us all asunder and in different directions and locations. No-one speaks. There is no such thing as discussion. If you make waves, that's the end. If there's a misunderstanding, it stands. It's a tragedy. And, as I said, I wouldn't swap it for any other. I just want everyone to wake up to the need to be a family again. Life is short.

[tranzcrybe]

If I undertook a regime of steroids and body building products to become an Adonis, would that qualify me as being 'strong' or merely mimicking the attributes of my aspiration?

What's on the inside is not so easy to enhance and often only covers up insecurities from past insinuations.
True, for some that is the incentive to better oneself, but there is always another level above to conquer but dissatisfaction predominates on the whole.

I personally believe that dominance and power are inversely proportional to love and compassion. Keep climbing until you find correlation to your own circumstances, but never dismiss where you have come from, for family will surely be there in your time of need - what's not said does not mean nothing is felt.