Using paid porn

[idiot-husband]

I am an idiot. Probably thrown out whole lives together away for the sake of a moment's pleasure. Not trying to absolve myself at all. The fault is entirely on me. I feel so horrible that I have done this to my wife, when years ago we had a discussion on porn and the message was it would feel like cheating. I went ad did it an now just feel so lost. I can’t even talk to her about how sorry I am, I feel I destroyed all trust in our relationship by doing this. Just so stupid, I love her so much and just hate myself. Just looking for some guidance, but I feel I have ruined everything. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi there,

What you did may not have been right, but I don't think it was as bad as you think it is. What you did is a lot better than physically cheating (getting together with someone in real life), but I can still see why your wife would be hurt because you both had a discussion about how it would feel like cheating before. If I had a husband who did this, I would be a bit upset, but I wouldn't find it unforgivable. I've heard that it's normal for people to sometimes feel some attraction or arousal to others even when they are in a relationship, but it's how they act on it that matters. You only acted on it to a small degree.

I know you feel horrible at the moment, but I think it would still be okay to explain to your wife how sorry you are and let her know that you still really love her and you fee really bad for hurting her just for a short timed amount of pleasure. You could possibly even see someone about your sexual desires to see if they can help you with it so you don't do this again.

[tranzcrybe]

Shared experiences in a relationship are not limited to happy occasions; and having faith to discuss shortcomings and disappointments opens a pathway to greater closeness and understanding (the mesh that binds couples).
Having trust in how one responds weighs equally with the remorse the other shows and, if approached sensitively, bonds can be strengthened through adversity.

However, it is not uncommon for partners to fantasise directly (acting out) or indirectly (in their imagination) without jeopardising fidelity. Problems usually only arise when it becomes a fixation/obsession.
Presently you are unfairly projecting your own disgust with yourself onto your wife when the reality is yet to be determined.

But if the discussion on the topic was 'years ago', who's to say that attitudes have not changed (or softened) over time? Could your lapse of willpower suggest that some mutually acceptable creativity may be warranted? A discussion there might reveal similarities previously suppressed...

On a more pragmatic note, addressing this sooner rather than later may be prudent, as a 'paid' service is bound to appear on some statement - and explaining that after the fact is a different kettle o'fish altogether.