I'm in mental hospital, my husband wants a divorce

[clarinervium]

I've had severe mental health problems since last year. I had a breakdown end of March 2024 and haven't been able to work since then. I did try to return to work, but work triggered a relapse in my mental illness. Then I had treatment that felt like it was really helping... only for my role to be made redundant a few weeks later. 

So I guess you could say, it's been really hard the past year... and before that when I was severely depressed but didn't realise it. 

I'm currently in mental hospital for another round of treatment. My husband just came to visit me and I was very excited... but then it turned out he wanted to have a serious talk with me because he wants a divorce. 

I'm in shock. I feel betrayed. I have finally found a treatment that helps me and I was looking forward to being healthier this year. I don't understand why he would say this now... He says he's burnt out (and I totally understand and empathise with that) but I am panicking because he's gone straight to divorce. 

He's said that I've said a lot of times that he would be better off without me or that maybe he should leave me for someone who isn't depressed... and I know that was wrong of me to do that. I'm just bewildered by what's going on. He says he still loves me and that losing me will feel like cutting off his arm. So, why? I have a fairly reasonable prognosis of getting better -- maybe not being able to do regular work again, but at least having better mental health. 

I would love any insights from people. I'm just looking for hope right now (and trying not to feel like I'm somehow very very cursed)

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

Of course you love him and are overwhelmed by his loss. You would give anything to get those happy days back.  Sadly it is not the real person, but just the one you saw. He was a good actor when it suited him. 

Trying to untangle it all, from his left over clothes to finances is a set of chores, but it  gives you something to occupy your mind, that's the same as when my wife died. Suddenly she was no longer there and a mound of legal and practical matters to sort out.

I think that got me though. Crying in between too. Please do not forget the Women's Legal Services who may save you in all sorts of ways if they are available.

Having friends or family to help with the practical matters is a blessing and I'm very glad htere is a nurse who keeps an eye on you and brings you a sandwich, which even you can't be bothered you  know you must eat.

You have many people who care, including here.

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Clarinervium

You are doing an amazing job at working through the logistical and practical steps you need to take. Well done to you.

I’m so glad that you have your friends and family to lean on. Keep that up, let the people that can help you do so. One day you can return the kindness.

The emotional side of things—getting over the shock, the sense of betrayal, disappointment and loss is going to take time. My guess is that it will take effort to unpack it all with a counsellor.

My sense is that there is nothing that you could have possibly done to cause this or prevent it.

Marriages breakdown and people ask for divorces everyday. But what your husband has done is soulless—asking you for a divorce whilst you are ill and at your most vulnerable, disregarding the impact this would have on your health/recovery and stealing your money. 
A person either has the ability to be this cruel in them or they don’t. Unfortunately, your husband had it in him—and it was always there and it always will be.

He kept it well hidden no doubt but now you have clarity.
And now that you know what you are dealing with you can protect yourself from any further harm. I’d like to suggest that you take one small step:  put “seek legal advice” on your “To Do” list. You don’t have to do it today or even tomorrow but when you’re ready or perhaps not at all. But think about it and talk about it with your friends and family. 

Kind thoughts to you

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

I admire the way you are coping with this and being both heart-broken and organized. I'm just popping in to see if you are eating more than sandwiches:) and know others care

Croix 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Clarinervium

Thinking about you.

Did you get the housing you applied for? Eating? Sleeping?

I really hope you’re doing okay.

Kind thoughts to you 

[clarinervium]

Hi Croix and Summer Rose, thank you so much for checking on me. It means a great deal right now -- I feel like I'm drowning and there's not a lot I can hold on to. 

I was able to get a rental -- after a very stressful couple of days because they wanted more proof that I could pay the rent. But now it is all signed and I have a move-in day booked. So my major problem is solved for at least six months, and in the meantime I have 2 of my cats with me in temporary hotel. 

I have also been able to eat breakfast the past two days. That is a big deal to me because I hadn't eaten breakfast (or lunch) for almost 3 weeks. 

I am feeling a lot of hurt and grief right now, but also I am missing my husband badly. I want him back -- there's a big part of me that would do anything to have him back -- even though my rational brain, my psychiatrist, multiple social workers, and all my friends have cautioned me against this. I know they're right. He has done things in a less than ideal way, to put it mildly. But now that I'm not in problem-solving mode, the pain and loneliness is hitting me very hard. 

I am trying to distract myself with admin and research about separation, but in a way it isn't very distracting -- it keeps me focused on the situation, on what-ifs, on missing him and wishing I had been a better wife to him.

I had a few brief moments of ideation but I immediately contacted one of my support people and that helped a lot. It's just very hard right now -- there is so much change and uncertainty and my financial situation has gone from "stable" to "scrimp every penny" overnight -- and it's resurfacing a lot of old trauma (I was kicked out of home and lived in financial hardship for several years).

As for seeking legal advice -- I have had an hour-long consult with a social worker and been referred to a lawyer who I'm meeting end of Feb (their earliest availability) but I've also booked several intro calls with lawyers in the Separation Guide network. 

I need to make so many medical appointments as well -- for mental health care plan, for checkups on my other chronic health issues, etc -- and it's just so overwhelming right now; and at the same time it feels so empty.

I really miss my husband. I still cry a lot when I think of him. He's already moved on -- he's going to NZ, I don't know how long -- and I'm still processing how my life turned upside down in a matter of days. 

I am determined to go on. But right now I'm in a lot of pain and I'm scared, and there is so much I have to do. 

Thank you again for checking on me. Just knowing that there are kind people I can talk to helps a lot. In some hard moments I've come back here to reread your messages and they have been comforting to me.

[Summer Rose]

Hello Clarinervium

You can hold on to this chat and the beyondblue forum. We are strangers, yes, but we care and from our own personal experiences we have unique insight and deep empathy. I will be watching for your posts and from what I know of Croix (we have both been around here for many years) I feel he will also offer you all the support he can. Other people may also pop in—this is a very supportive community.

I think you are an inspiration. You have been knocked down—hard—but you are back on your feet and moving forward. You are doing great.

Having somewhere to live is essential and you have done this, a wonderful achievement. I am so glad that you have your cats with you, as they will bring you joy and love.

Of course you miss your husband, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. And I’m so sorry that he has let you down so badly. I know how much it hurts to lose love but you will get through this. You won’t always feel the way you today, you will move through it one step at a time until you come out the other side, so to speak. Give yourself time and love. 

I’m so pleased that you are seeking legal advice. It would be great to get things moving sooner rather than later as your husband is going to NZ, so I encourage you to keep ploughing on. You got this.

I know how admin tasks, like making appointments, can weigh you down when you’re not well. It all seems so hard. Try “chunking it all down” into manageable daily tasks. You don’t have to do it all in one day.

I am so very proud of you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

The two things  in your post that give me heart is that you are eating and that you have your cats.  Not much to say about eating except if you unintentionally starve yourself your decisions will not be as sharp as they sould be.

Your cats are another matter. Having two is such a great blessing, would you like to say what sort of natures they have?

I've only one and he thinks that I'm just a doorman for when he wants to go out or in, and my partner, Mrs C, is just the "snack lady".

We both get into trouble, if I open the door and it is cold and rainy he blames me for not opening the door into summer, and Mrs C does not keep the snacks coming very time he indicates he would graciously accept one.

He helps make life and I hope yours do too.

I'm glad you are looking at the legal situation and have 6 months , hopefully leading on to more permanent things.

Grief can be overwhelming, however now I can look at a photo of my deceased partner laughing and feel the laughter inside me as I remeber the occasion. A fair while ago the same photo would just have made for feelings of loss and sadness.

Summer Rose is right, we do care.

Croix

[therising]

Hi clarinervium

It sounds like you have some amazing people in your life who are guiding you and supporting you, Summer Rose and Croix included. When there's only a basic sense of direction (if that), issues with navigating exactly where we're at and emotions are disorienting on top of it all, guides are an absolute must. 

I think we can be pretty hard on ourself at times, while perhaps thinking 'At my age, I should have some idea how to navigate this situation'. Maybe we might even feel bad about thinking we're putting people out. Truth is we're not putting them out, we're letting them raise us through one of the toughest times in our life, a time we may have no previous experience with. How could we possibly know what to do with no previous experience? Really good guides can take a lot of the guess work out of things. I imagine you've been a guide for others in their life at some point in time. Whether that involves you having been an emotional guide of sorts, someone who's trained a co-worker or you've offered much needed guidance in some other capacity, everyone has their turn to 1)be a guide and 2)be guided. Perhaps a little dinner party in your new place with those close to you who have been supporting and guiding you could be something to look forward to (a way of saying 'Thanks for getting me this far'). Could involve something cheap and simple. Might even involve inviting just 3 or 4 key people. Maybe cake and coffee is more so what's called for. Entirely up to you.

I think a bit of brainstorming can't hurt as well on occasion, when it comes to living on your own with your cats. Some topics worth brainstorming with others could involve

• Who am I going to catch up with and how often am I going to catch up with them? Also, where will I catch up with them? How often do I need to get out of the house/flat, for a break or change of scenery?
• If inner dialogue has a history of getting a bit hellish at times, how's it going to be managed without a housemate there to interrupt it? Btw, there can be a whole variety of ways to manage

Just a couple of examples. The most challenging time in your life is going to develop you. It's going to test you and push you and it will reward you on occasion for your hard work. I wish with all my heart there was a way I could make everything easier for you, saying all the right things and offering you all the right guidance. Instead I offer a truly heartfelt and soulful wish and that involves all the best guides showing up to surround you. May they all light the way ahead, so you can see it clearly. ❤️

[Summer Rose]

Hi Clarinervium

Just popping in to see how you are doing? Always wishing you well.

Kind thoughts to you