I'm in mental hospital, my husband wants a divorce

[clarinervium]

I've had severe mental health problems since last year. I had a breakdown end of March 2024 and haven't been able to work since then. I did try to return to work, but work triggered a relapse in my mental illness. Then I had treatment that felt like it was really helping... only for my role to be made redundant a few weeks later. 

So I guess you could say, it's been really hard the past year... and before that when I was severely depressed but didn't realise it. 

I'm currently in mental hospital for another round of treatment. My husband just came to visit me and I was very excited... but then it turned out he wanted to have a serious talk with me because he wants a divorce. 

I'm in shock. I feel betrayed. I have finally found a treatment that helps me and I was looking forward to being healthier this year. I don't understand why he would say this now... He says he's burnt out (and I totally understand and empathise with that) but I am panicking because he's gone straight to divorce. 

He's said that I've said a lot of times that he would be better off without me or that maybe he should leave me for someone who isn't depressed... and I know that was wrong of me to do that. I'm just bewildered by what's going on. He says he still loves me and that losing me will feel like cutting off his arm. So, why? I have a fairly reasonable prognosis of getting better -- maybe not being able to do regular work again, but at least having better mental health. 

I would love any insights from people. I'm just looking for hope right now (and trying not to feel like I'm somehow very very cursed)

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

To be ill and then have a foundation of your life taken away is not only heart-breaking but will require you lean on as many supports, medical, practical and legal as you can. You are already starting to cope by the simple act of posting here and I'd expect you will cope with the whole thing. That may seem almost beyond you at the moment but your words are not those of someone who has given up, quite the reverse.

I honestly don't think you are going to be left penniless and all the points Summer Rose made are spot-on.

One area that may not actually go to bat for you may also have a good deal of advice on what legal resources you do have, and that is the state/territory agency of the Womens Legal Services. The link lists those on each state

Apart from 'official' supports is there anyone else in your life, a family member or friend perhaps, who would give you support. They do not have to 'fix' things, just listen and care. It is so hard alone

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[clarinervium]

Thank you so much Croix... I hit a really low point today because my husband didn't come to the meeting with my doctor (after previously agreeing to) because he had to take care of "his stuff" which... I don't know what it was. The meeting was meant to be about my prognosis and how to minimise the damage this whole separation process might do to my mental health.

Then later he texted and said he was at a dinner party last night, and also that he's withdrawing half of our savings for the house, and to keep expenses separate starting now.

Up until now all our spending, all our income was in our joint account. I don't have any money in my individual account except the birthday gift money my parents sent me. I had to beg him to please hold off on changing financial situation or logistics because I'm in MENTAL HOSPITAL (I did not use all caps at him, to be clear) and I do not have the brain to think of numbers right now. We can do all the accounting later, we will be fair and get reimbursed, but I was just begging for more time. To please not change things. To just give me a few more days. To not add to all my fear of being cut off completely without even a chance to get my feet under me.

I'm in so much pain right now.

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

I second shock right on top of the first. Going to dinner parties and failing to turn up at an important medical meeting for no good reason casts a new light on this person

So does quickly acting to ensure his finances.  

To put it bluntly he is thinking of himself, not you, and his conduct in the past does not really count. OK it might seem all bad however you have two things to come out of this you can  regard as useful, he has revealed his nature, and you really do need to protect your finances and everything else in your life.

OK, you are in hospital and maybe are not in a position to look after your own interests as well as you might -that coupled with the fact he meant so much to you and that lingers and promotes generosity rather than fairness.

So who can you get to act as an advocated for you and support you? Someone to discuss things with and assist you with mundane things like bank accounts.

Do you have anyone in your family you could rely upon, or a friend perhaps? All else failing look to the suggestions of organizations you have already been given, of course I'd particularly recommend hospital welfare and Women's Legal Services.

It is very easy for this situation to take over all your life, leaving you without hope or feeling overwhelmed. So you need to counteract that, not by neglecting necessary actions to do with the separation but by having other things in your life as well -a coping mechanism.

I cna't really say what might be suitable and know what opportunities may be easy to find. Maybe a gym, maybe a choir, maybe ...

Don't just rely upon yourself to think up alternatives, get the thoughts of others too.

You are more important than all of this and need to come first in your thinking and actions.

Always welcome here

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

I agree with Croix’s response, so won’t repeat his messages. Although I still encourage you to try and access a social worker at the hospital to assist you through your current challenges.

I would like to add, however, that none of this is your fault. 

No one can help falling ill and it doesn’t matter if that’s with a mental health condition, cancer or heart disease. It is not too much to expect your husband to support you through this.
I can’t imagine any justification for your husband’s haste and hurtful behaviour—and I say this as someone who has on occasion been overwhelmed by caring responsibilities myself in the past. Please try to focus on your health. It’s so essential and I feel despite all that is happening that, health must be your top priority—it will be the key to your ability to successfully navigate the challenges in front of you and reach your life goals.

Health. Finances. Living arrangements. In small chunks that you can manage, with appropriate support. You can do this. 

My heart goes out to you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hi Clarinervium

Just checking in to see how you are doing today. You okay?

Kind thoughts to you 

[clarinervium]

Oh my gosh - thank you so much for caring Summer Rose and also Croix. 

I'm not doing ok. I found out that my husband has cleaned out most of our joint account and left only enough for 1 month rent and a little bit of the savings (yes he took even from the half that was meant to be mine).

I'm scared and shocked and confused and I don't know what he's doing. I broke down on the phone to my father earlier. I said I couldn't keep going anymore. It's so hard and I'm in so much pain. 

My brother and my parents are really coming through for me. I'm so ashamed for doing this to them. I thought I knew my husband, I thought he wouldn't be capable, ever, of any of these things he's done.

I'm so scared.

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

Yes the finances is another shock, really letting know he was not the person you thought.

You do have people on oyur side, you parents and your brother.

This is marvelous and feeling ashamed of having to get thier help is natural but silly. If a bad driver caused a car crash and injured you injured then your feelings would be very different. You would probably be angry at that driver, frustrated at the injuries caused and feeling warmth and gratitude to your parents and brother

This is not so different except the cause is selfishness and lies, rather than bad driving. The injuries are to your soul as well as finances. You will need assistance more now, with help for finances, housing and grief. Yes grief. The practical maters will be easier to overcome than that loss, however despite being scared you will cope.

Grief and loss is not the same as mental health issues and needs people that understand (and been though it themselves), so don't just accept the assistance of the medical team, see if you can have counceling over greif too.

You may wonder how you could be so wrong about your husband. I guess the truth is people tend to expect others to act as they do, and if you are a generous and loving person it is hard to understand when you discover another is not.

It will get better, and you are always welcome here

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Clarinervium~

Just poped in ot see how you are managing, time in hospital can go extra slow. Any to help you yet?

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

So sorry for the delayed response, I have been away.

I’m very sorry that your husband has taken financial advantage of you. Please know that legally you have rights and with the support of a lawyer you can try to get your half back (perhaps even more due to your health issues). When you are ready this is a path you can go down.

I’m very relieved to know that you have support from your father and brother. There is nothing to feel ashamed about, you have done nothing wrong. Anyone can fall ill. And your husband alone is responsible for his abhorrent behaviour. Now is definitely the time to let those people who love in to provide you with support.

I think Croix’s suggestion to seek grief counselling is a good one. It’s going to take time to heal from the breakdown of your marriage, so please be gentle with yourself.

You had been making good progress in hospital with your health issues and I’m so sorry that your load has grown, but I really want to encourage you not to give up. 
Plough on and fight for your best life. One step at a time, rest when you need to, but don’t give up. You deserve health and happiness.

Post here anytime for support.

Kind thoughts to you

[clarinervium]

Thank you so much to both of you. You are so very kind. 

I'm not doing well. I have no appetite and so the past couple of days my nurse has had to come and get my a sandwich because otherwise I wouldn't eat. 

The grief is just overwhelming right now. I've done all my inspections and put in an application -- if it gets denied then I'll go to more inspections -- and I'm getting discharged from hospital in a couple of days. I've got a plan in place for when I'll move to an apartment once I get accepted. I've got lists of items to move when and where. I've got quotes from removalists and lists of financial things to sort through because bills still need to be paid, like health insurance.

It's just... so hard. All this stuff I'm having to do, the moving, the decision-making... I was going through my clothes at the house yesterday and I broke down when I found something I had bought to wear for him, we were planning to open it on my birthday and that never happened... Disentangling my things from his things, after all the time and love that went into making it "our things" and turning our house into a home... it's so heavy, and part of me is still in shock: how did it come to this?

I am making plans now for my budget (because I have so much less funds than before) and scheduling times with friends when they can help me move. On the outside people might say I'm being so strong by continuing to move through this but it's like... what choice do I have? 

And when I'm not doing TMS or running errands / organising to ensure the move goes well, I'm just curled up in bed crying. I still love him so much. And my memory keeps bringing up the good times, the little moments. 

At the start of this month we were at a hotel watching our wedding video. For me it affirmed my commitment to focus this year on repairing our relationship after my hospital treatment finished. For him it affirmed his decision to leave. I keep playing things over in my mind and wishing I could have been different these past several months, trying to figure out what I did wrong. And at the same time I know it's not my fault... and it's better I found out now than later, when we have more property together, are more entwined ... it's better to know the truth now. 

And yet I still miss him so so so so badly and I would give so much to kiss him one last time. I didn't know that moment when he came to visit me at the hospital would be the last. There's so much I wish I could fix and so much I wish I could take back.

I'm such a wreck.