I had an unwanted abortion because my partner wasn’t ready and now I can’t handle the pain anymore

[Hrtbrkn]

April this year I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to tell my partner because it wasn’t planned (we used protection which failed and I took the morning after pill) but also extremely excited because I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship and I felt I was ready to welcome another child. 
Straight away when I told him his initial reaction was a sad look on his face and asking “you want to keep it don’t you? We aren’t ready, it’s not the right time”. I felt completely shattered and shut down all the excitement I felt immediately. 
I was scared to talk to him (I have had a fear or rejection from toxic past relationships) about the pregnancy and how much I wanted to keep the baby. Any time I had the courage to say something he just would say he wasn’t ready and it’s not the right time. 
Our relationship has been so good, so healthy bar the fact communication on my behalf can sometimes be difficult because of my past. I went to the doctors 2 times to ask for a medical termination but backed out both times. At 8 weeks we went to an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and that it was developing in the uterus and not an  ectopic pregnancy. Every part of me hoped that he would see the screen and change his mind, but no it didn’t. Not even seeing and hearing the heartbeat changes his mind. I was due just before Christmas. 
So that afternoon I called up my doctor for the last time and finally brought myself to ask for a prescription for a medical termination. It was Mother’s Day weekend when the pregnancy passed. I thought I was doing the right thing for our relationship and for my boyfriend’s mental health. I didn’t want to bring a baby into the world with a father who didn’t want it. 

It’s now August and I’m absolutely devastated I went through with it. I feel all the emotions possible. Guilt, anger, shame, grief. I even feel like the right to make a decision about my future and my body was taken away from me. I would be 23 weeks and I don’t know why I remind myself. 
I’ve finally got a referral made to see a psychologist so I’m hoping I can work through this. I  hardly eat, I can’t sleep, I’m crying all the time. 
My boyfriend now tells me he wouldn’t have left if I kept the baby. That was one of the main reasons I went through with it, because I was scared he would leave. I lost a part of me, I lost a part of him too. I at times wish I wasn’t here, I’m not suicidal I just want to numb the pain and not think about it anymore.

i just needed to get this out

[indigo22]

Hi Hrtbrkn,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can hear in your words how devastated you are feeling about the situation.

I am very pleased to hear you are taking the steps with a psychologist, that's really important right now.

I could say that you don't need to feel guilt or shame about the decision, but I know it won't make any difference to the way you feel. I only wish that your boyfriend had been more communicative with you at the time.

I think the effect of your past has made it more difficult in the present to do what is right for you, it can be confusing when you are trying to deal with the past and present at the same time and you have my empathy.

I am sure with the help of a good psychologist, you will start on the road to recovery. Try not to be too hard on yourself in the meantime, you did the best you could do at the time and that's all any of us can do.

We will be here to support you so please continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Wishing you well,

indigo