I feel like I am going insane

[S1lver]

I feel like I am losing my mind. My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me around 2 months ago. Although I thought I was dealing with the breakup well, I have come to find out that I am not. Originally we broke up due to the fact that we were long distance for half of the year due to university, as well as my attitude and actions towards the end of the relationship. Mainly lying about drug usage. 

A week ago I contacted my ex to see if she was interested in catching up before I once again move away. I thought this could be a chance to explain how I felt during the relationship, and a way to apologise for the pain I caused her. After walking around for about 2 hours, we shared a couple of laughs, as well as talked about my behaviour in the relationship, and I apologised. 

Late last night, after said catch up, I spiraled. I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for years so something like this after a large emotional activity is expected. What I did not expect to do was what I did today. I woke up around 6:15am, and since then have sent multiple messages apologising and sounding like an absolutely insane individual. I have finally calmed down after this, mainly due to working today. But I cant help feel like what I did today, not only shows me that I havent moved on, but that I have made our friendship worse than it already was.

I am aware that I am completely in the wrong in this situation, but I feel extremely depressed and anxious. Over the past 8 hours I have gone through stages of derealisation, and I have tried to gather myself, but have been unable to.

I know I sound like the greatest douchebag, and I agree. But I just wish that she would hear me out. All this post relationship stress has mainly been due to the fact that I havent been able to voice any of the things that I disliked about the relationship. I genuinely feel like such a creep, and I feel like at this point I am genuinely going insane. 

Advice is much more than welcome, Im curious if other people have shared a similar experience, and how they were able to / did deal with it.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and reassure you that there is no way you are going insane. your post is unhappy - true, but it is sensible and coherent, so you have nothing to worry about on that score.

You have said that you suffered from depression and anxiety, both of which may make you think and act in ways you not otherwise have wanted to.

Before going any further may I ask if you are being treated for these conditions? I found that my thoughts were more and more dictated by these illnesses and I could not make them go away. It was only when I have been treated for a while that their influence became less and less.

As you have mentioned drug usage my I suggest you seek treatment to help you arrive at other ways of coping with things. saves telling lies and hiding it, and can have harmful effects.

Now I lead a good life and have the luxury of discussing things with people I trust before taking actions I believed were needed, however it mostly turns out they are not.

In the middle of the night you became overwhelmed and sent a whole load of messages, probably not a good idea, particularly as you were concentrating on what you had not liked about the relationship. I can't imagine anyone being pleased with them, though an empathetic person may realise how deeply you were affected.

There is often for everyone a strong desire to explain yourself, however it is not always practical to do so, It's a bit like following someone into a room to keep on talking. Wrong time, wrong subject

I too have lost my sense of proportion due to anxiety and tried to communicate several times when silence would have been more sensible. Your actions were influenced by anxiety and there is no need to feel so down about yourself, that impulse passed and you can see in retrospect it was not a good idea -so you have sense, it was only overridden by the illness for a while .

The whole point of getting treatment is so that you do not have these overwhelming experiences and can act without being under their influence.

I would be surprised if the relationship comes back together, though you never know.

It may be in future relationships it might be helpful to mention things you do not like so they do not build up, not to create an argument or blame, just to let the other person know . Your partner may do something about them as a result if they care. It is even more important to say the things you do like and praise your partner, leaving them happy and secure.

If you would like to talk some more you'd be welcomed

Croix

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there, 

Thank you so much for your honesty in opening up on here. I’m sorry to hear the tough time you’re going through right now. Just know that you are brave for reaching out and getting support, this is a great first step!

I am going to agree with Croix and suggest you receive professional support for your mental health and drug use to better manage it. If you would like to talk to a counsellor over the phone or through the WebChat service, it’s available here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor Of course, you could also see your GP for support too.

You may want to work on being open with your communication in your relationships you have in your life in general. I think open communication is key in any relationship and important to let your loved ones know what you’re going through internally, because you really have no idea what is on someone’s heart. I’m sure that a loving person who has the best interests for you will be open to listen and support you along the way. 

You are not a monster, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You have definitely admitted to your impulsive mistake and now you know for next time to compose yourself before doing something rash. Try to remember to take some time to calm yourself in a state of anxiety. For example, you can try deep breathing techniques which I have found really useful in returning to the present moment. You can google it and find out which one works for you. 

Feel free to keep reaching out on here, you are always welcome. You’re not alone, there is support here for you. Take care of yourself today, both mentally and physically. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such and incredibly challenging time in your life, where you're doing your best to make sense of it all. 

Might sound a bit strange but there can be such a variety of things that can lead us to altered states of consciousness or 'reality shifts', where we suddenly become conscious of something we weren't conscious of before. Whether it's an illicit drug or a prescription medication, alcohol or a mental or soulful kind of mind altering revelation or it involves some facet of us that leads us to wake up to something (while chatting away up there in our head), there are so many things that can cause a sudden shift. Knowing what causes the shift definitely helps. If it's an illicit drug or alcohol responsible, you could say 'Such things always end in catastrophe of some kind therefor I can't afford to use those things to alter my mind state'. If it happens in a state of deep meditation, you could say 'I need to research or find someone to help me make sense of why this happens, what's happening and how to manage it'. If it happens whenever our inner critic starts chatting away or some other facet that goes toward making up the whole of who we are, we could say 'I need to pinpoint what part of me is messing with my head while learning to master it'.

Who we find as supports or guides also plays a part. Whether we find those people in some form of rehab, find mental health professionals for the psychological side of things or locate guidance and support in some other form, doing it all alone and without help and guidance can lead everything to feel impossible and hopeless at times.  

Not sure if it will be of any help to know but strategies for grounding can be key to unlocking a solid sense of reality. For example, we could suddenly become conscious of all worst case scenarios (easily seen or visualised through the imagination). What we see in there can really mess with our nervous system something shocking at times. Grounding out of the imagination may be one key. Defining and focusing on what is 'real' (outside of the imagination) can lead to a more solid sense of reality. Certain people in our life can also offer keys for unlocking a solid sense of reality. Someone could lead us to become conscious of 'That's possibly your inner critic convincing you of how shocking or hopeless you are. Don't listen. It's often just full of depressing sh**' or 'That's possibly the saboteur in you that's convincing you to sabotage all the effort you've put in so far. What would your inner sage suggest you do, instead?' etc etc. Btw, just about everyone's got an imagined inner sage that may sound a little like 'You need to calm down. Just breathe' or 'This is getting out of control. You need to manage it' or 'Whatever you do, do not do that!' or something along those lines. There are definitely some grounding elements to who we are. The challenge can involve finding them. Such grounding elements can offer more keys. Some folk even like to imagine some form of divine guidance. While our imagination can lead us to feel a sense of hell on earth, if it's managed incredibly carefully and strategically it can also lead to a sense of heaven on earth. Whether it involves grounding ourself out of it or going into it to experience a natural high, it definitely requires careful and conscious management.

I've found it pays to become a 'collector of keys' or key strategies. Such things can definitely help unlock the best ways forward. If you were to text your ex, perhaps the sage in you would suggest something along the lines of 'While I struggle with becoming conscious of so much all at once, I offer my heartfelt apology for the feelings I've led you to experience. Becoming more conscious is such hard work'. It is hard work and it can be incredibly testing at times, not just for us but also for those around us.