I don’t know where to go from here

[Anonymous79]

Two weeks ago I found comments my husband had made online on women’s profiles on instagram. I’m struggling to get over it. I confronted him straight away at first he denied it but when I again confronted him with the proof he said yes that was porn I was commenting on… now here’s where I am totally struggling.. we have been together for nearly 30 yrs he’s never been the type to give compliments and I accepted that as that who I thought he was, he says he shows love in touching hugs sex ect… I accepted that as that’s who I thought he was but when I read these comments they are all complimentary….. and even as

far as yeah I’m available yes I’d have a go at that. Or you look great don’t be so hard on yourself … some of these comments go back 3 years and god knows what else has gone on… I really don’t mind that he watches porn but it’s the comments and positive comments that I can’t get past…as he’s never said that to me I think he’s said I’m beautiful once… I get a I’m proud of you every now and then but not much else… he has admitted to a porn addiction and has deleted his account he says he loves me but has not felt wanted or desired in a long time … well 3 years ago we to my knowledge were getting along great we were on a big fitness journey together and I was at my skinniest and happiest I’d been in years and our sex life was going great an I mean great !! it has never been a problem. I agree we have drifted apart connection wise in the past 6 months but I put it down to he has had major surgery and that takes a toll on everything I accept I’m half to blame for this distance, now he’s recovered I was hoping it would pick back up but nothing I tried worked… we have been through so much together months of being separated due to deployments his mental health issues due to his career ( he’s retired now)

Some of the women he has commented on were larger and looked very different to what he would comment to me to look wear or do and I happily do “ you should wear more of these underwear or when are you getting your hair done again ( my grey roots are showing) or can you shave down for sex tonight please.. … He was my world and I loved him more that anything but this has totally shaken me to the core.. I can’t get it out of my head and still a week later after discussing it all and agreeing that we want to stay in the marriage and again fantastic sex he can’t give me a compliment.. for example I have obviously been struggling I’ve even said I’m having some really hard mental health days and forced myself to go to the gym as I myself have been recovering from an injury and when I rang and did the usual I’m on my way home chat and he asked how I went I said really well I’ve done my first upper body work out since my injury. His response oh you’re going to be sore tomorrow and laughs …. I asked him you know it would be nice to hear you say I’m proud of you babe well done, he got defensive and said of course I’m proud how could you not know that….
After the last two weeks how could I possibly know that anymore my self confidence and my heart are just shattered…. My brain can’t stop thinking about those comments and why can’t he say them to me…. I’m just so down and he hardly notices… still

touches and hugs me more like he used too but that’s it, I really think he thinks it’s all over and we are good but I just can’t move past it… 

Anyway if you have read this far thank you maybe it will get better one day.. who knows anymore.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome to the forums.

Firstly,  please do not think the shortness of my reply in any way as lack of care. In fact, the more I read the sadder I got, thinking you deserve better.

Because.... what you’re feeling makes sense. After all, emotional betrayal hurts just as much as physical betrayal, sometimes more. You’re not broken for wanting something more from your partner,whether that is words, reassurance, or ???? 

If you don't mind my asking, can I ask whether your husband knows the effect this has had on you?

Anyway, if you want to chat more here, I'm listening... 

[Anonymous79]

Hi and thank you for your reply. Yes I have let him know and he just keeps saying how sorry he is and it is all his fault that I’m feeling this way… I mentioned that I’m thinking of getting some sort of counselling and he said that he’s with me through this every step of the way I guess that’s something.. I just wish my brain would

Just let it go…. But I just can’t seem too. I feel like since it all imploded I’ve made all this extra effort to make him feel wanted and not just let the distance get wider but why should I when I did nothing really wrong …. I feel like I’m overthinking or overreacting too but also questioning everything he does now, I’m just broken. 

[therising]

Hi Anonymous79

My heart goes out to you so much as you face the kind of mind altering life changing challenges that often feel like they come with a million questions. Sometimes the amount of questions feels like a form of torment, that's for sure.

I believe that if we are a mix of thoughtful and intensely feeling, it can involve a balance of thinking and feeling our way through an enormous challenge or set of challenges. Unless people can relate to such a nature, they may be inclined to say 'You're overthinking everything'. What they fail to understand is the ultimate goal and that is to analyse the hell out of it all because it can feel like a kind of hell on earth, trying to manage and make greater sense of everything that can feel intensely painful and confusing. I believe what can make a massive difference involves finding a 'diving partner' when it comes to doing the deep dives into all the questions and emotions we can be experiencing. Being an analytical and intensely feeling kinda gal, I've done some deep diving into my own marriage of 23 years over the last couple of decades or so, facing hundreds of questions and eventual answers. While the deep dives may appear to be about diving into states of sufferance or depression at times, it's really about diving for pearls of wisdom.

Some folk are quite content questioning very little in life. Others are great pearl collectors, determined to evolve through every dive.❤️