I Feel Absolutely Terrible*

[Carus]

Thankyou for creating this place for us to write stuff out*

I've been with my wife for 4 years. No kids together but she has a young daughter.

My wife lives and works an hour away so we only see each other on the weekends, but we video chat every night. This suits me as I really value time alone.

About 8 months ago I hired a girl to work for me. In that time, unfortunately we have grown very close. To the point where I deeply feel we are more compatible and should be together. The problem obviously is, I'm already married. We have not been intimate and I don't want to go down that avenue*

The greater problems are, I'm not unhappily married and my wife is fantastic and prides herself on being the best wife she can be. I don't take that for granted. I admire her and am very proud of her.

However, I'm not sexually attracted to her and never really have been. I believed I could overlook and perhaps nurture that but unfortunately, it's not gotten better and I don't think it ever will.

Greater problem still is, she has made me her whole world. I always knew that was wrong and tried to dissuade it, but she really doesn't have much of a life outside 'us'.....It would completely devastate her if we were to separate.....

Having been through that kind of pain myself, I find it incredibly difficult to inflict it on someone else...

If the other girl didn't work for me I would just cut ties with her and move away from the situation as that would be the easiest thing to do. But I don't feel it's fair either to fire her just because of the way I feel about her.

So I'm stuck!

At this stage I've been trying to change the way I feel about her but it's just not working and it's driving me into a very unhappy place. I feel just terrible....!

At the end of the day I know these decisions will be mine and I'm going to need to sort this out. I used to be a marriage and relationship counselor myself. How ironic!

So I know it helps to write things out.

Thanks for reading*
Regards*

[white knight]

Hi

I agree with Random, over time with your wife, it will happen all over again. Here is a true story-

At 20yo I met a lady that was separated from her husband for a few months. They had a little boy. This lady had a terrible past, adopted child out at 15yo, miscarried several times including twins and was under a psychiatrist for major issues. But we fell in love. 

She was so confused about life and me that about twice a week for the following 6 years she would leave a note while I was at work and go stay at her mothers. The note always read "I'm leaving you, I cant stay".

So the love was deep and after 6 years of this I told her I'd give her 12 months to the day and she would need to make up her mind one way or the other. Of course my heart was broken hundreds of times by now.

Twelve months later I asked her (I had my car loaded up with my stuff). The same "ummm, I'm thinking about it" came. I left and the hardest thing ever was to remain away. I shared my grief with a friend and she suggested I meet up with her because- "you usually dont regret yourself after you meet again". He was right, I actually bumped into my ex GF at the shops about 5 months after we split. We spoke for about 15 minutes. During that time I asked her if she had met someone "yes". Do you live with him"?.. "yes". "Have you left notes for him and gone to your mothers house to live"? ... She went quiet, head down.  "Anyway, great to see you, all the best" and I left. I realised this lady was so unwell, insecure etc that she could never settle down and her attractiveness reeled in guys easily but it clarified to me that my guilt in hurting her was unfounded. The chemistry had to work across the range of the relationship and just like addictions it only take one major factor in a relationship to destroy it and it is hard when all other factors are aligned.

Fast forward 20 years and I dropped in to her place. Her son had passed away sadly. She hadnt settled down and the routine with men continued. By this time I was living with a lady. Again her life was a roller coaster.

Sometimes we have to talk to our ex's to seek clarification of why we left because we forget that the relationship was not fulfilling enough and we tend to remember the affection or the common interests or the support but gloss over the real deal breaking issues.

The lady never intentionally tried to hurt me but she did in the most gut wrenching way and was responsible for much of the anxiety I then had, not knowing if I'd get home from work and she'd be gone, more tears, more uncertainty. 

To protect ourselves we should make the tough decisions and that could be at the end of a lot of talking, phone calls, honest admissions. Be compassionate by all means, talk to your ex's, have empathy but be aware that compatibility is a must for the long run, if that isnt possible then move on for everyone's mental well being.

TonyWK

[Carus]

Thankyou so much Tony and Random for your thoughtful posts:

Random said: .....probably the hardest thing you've ever done and to her too.
Yes, second hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Random said: Thing is now that you have she's gotten through the worst of it and she's survived, it is done. So unless you just aren't a sexual person and could honestly live without the physical for the rest of your life, then there is no way you can go back to her again or put her through all that again in a few yrs time down the track when it boils over again later. You just couldn't put her through that again and to me it's as black and white as that.
Yes I know. Even if I said to myself "I'm going back and I'm going to be 100% committed", we can't know the future and to go through it all again would just be painful and extremely unfair! Although geezus, I can't believe all the other stuff she's had to endure on TOP of the separation. Most of all her mum passing away!

But you're only echoing what everyone else is saying. I haven't had ONE person say to me I should go back and try and make it work....especially those that have been through it themselves....And especially while things with my GF are still fresh and progressing. I think that needs to run it's course, whichever way that goes....

And that would also then involve turning around and breaking HER heart now too! But I do feel a lot of love for her so hopefully it will work out ok in time. She actually said the 3 words "ILY" for the first time last night*

Random said: The gf , l'd give her time and l agree with Tony. That's a lot of crap she's going through and been dragged into from ex and ex has gotta run out of new numbers soon and settle down surely.
Heh yes surely....But I agree. Time is a great healer and more time is definitely needed. We're only 8-10 weeks into this and it took me 2 years to get over my last relationship....So I understand....

I'd like to be there as a support for my (ex)wife and I told her I am, but it's difficult without fanning the flames of false hope.....

Random said: Anyway , l really hope your w will be ok and can get through this and that hopefully it all works out for everyone.
Thankyou for your emapthy. I do hope she will be ok too in time. As you said, she's made it this far and hopefully the worst of it is through now*

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Thanks Tony for sharing that story. How terrible for that lady to lose her son. Noone should have to outlive their child*

I'm guessing your story is about seeking clarification and closure....and whilst I agree with you, it also takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time! I certainly don't think about or want to get back with any of my exes from years gone by 🙂

As I said, I did tell her I still care about her (coz I do) and I'm there if she needs anything, but she's still in the throes of the shock and denial phase. So I think periods of no contact is what is need here for a little while longer.

I've long been a people pleaser and known to put others ahead of myself, and this is playing into why I feel so goddamn sh*t.....Not to mention I did marry this girl and built a life with her....Doing that and believing I could make it work despite how I felt was my mistake and I MUST learn form it*

Thankyou for your thoughts and letting me write stuff out. It does help* I hope you are both doing ok today.
Regards
Carus*

[Carus]

There's also the issue of her 8 year old daughter, my step daughter.....

I can't just abandon her so some level of contact has to be maintained.....*

[randomxx]

Thanks carus and yeah sadly l'd have to agree with your friends to on ex.

Very sad to hear of the daughter to poor kids are always the meat in the sandwich aren't they so hard, and through no fault of their own.

You could try remaining in ex's life as support once things settle down l spose, at least for awhile, divorced people do it all the time especially for their kids l'm in it myself. For ex it might help or hinder l guess but time will tell.

And for her daughter to maybe that takes on a separate relationship of it's own in time between you or maybe over time you both drift of into new lives, maybe with ex to.

All the best.

rx