I don't want to deal with the aftermath of change

[geelt]

My family dynamic is barely held together and is one small conflict from falling apart all the time. I can't stand dealing with the inane arguments and stupid points of conflict so I do what I can to ease the points of contention. This isn't the right way to approach things and it's just sweeping the problems under the rug. These people aren't going to change and the root isn't going to be addressed.

Communication is really difficult. No one likes talking to one another and they can't without one of them getting mad. I have to be the one to ask questions for someone or answer a question for them. Now its my job to be the mouthpiece for my mum and she assumes I know what everyone else is thinking.

Even if I do everything myself, organize and cook my own food, I still need to come up with a menu for my siblings because my mum cant communicate with my siblings without being yelled at for being annoying. She struggles to come up with ideas for dinner because she doesn't know what they want to eat. and shes very picky and complains if we eat the same thing twice in a row and doesnt want us eating leftover food.

The easy solution is to stop letting myself be the one to organize everything grow a spine, get everyone to contribute and maybe cook their own food instead of making it our Mum's job. If they don't come up with ideas for what to eat then no dinner for them. If I try this my Mum will panic and freak out and that defeats the point.

I'm so terrified of being caught in the crossfire between arguments with my parents and siblings. Arguing with anyone and trying to make change is like talking to a brick wall. I hate getting angry because it makes me feel so pathetic losing control but its infuriating dealing with them. talking and trying to get others to change doesnt work.

I cant sleep because im thinking how long i have to deal with this for. I want to help but its meaningless. I need to move out but I cant find a job. I cant get out of my head and make meaningful changes to my life and focus on what i can control. I love my family but they just make me mad all the time but i cant say anything because im just a crazy man getting mad at nothing. the result of my bad choices and spinelessness standing up for myself does nothing. no one else sees it as a problm. im really unintelligent if I cant handle doing this bare minimum let alone hold onto a job or study or anything real people do in life

[therising]

Hi geelt

My heart goes out to you, especially with you being other people's 'go to' person when it comes to conflict resolution, a sense of reasoning and their inability to find ways to manage their own challenges.

Completely understandable that you'd want to manage the dramas so that you don't have to feel the fall out from them (one way of managing our own nervous system). While you have a number of abilities, it sounds like others don't necessarily have those same abilities. There's a need to give yourself credit for the abilities you have, while also addressing how other people's lack of abilities deeply impact you.

• You have the ability to reason, leading yourself and others to see reason or reasons for things. You also obviously have the ability to lead people to negotiation
• You have the the ability to feel what's wrong. Deeply feeling people are often challenged when feeling what's wrong. The challenge can partly be about being able to get the best feel for what's right or what would work better. This is sometimes a far from easy thing to do
• You have the ability to feel compassion. The compassion you feel for your mum, in regard to the stress your siblings can lead her to feel, defines you as a caring and compassionate person
• Overall you have group management abilities, which defines you as a manager

While you have so many more abilities, more than you possibly realise, the question becomes 'Why don't others in the family also have them, to the degree that you do?'. Chances are they haven't been led or forced to develop them like you have. While you've done so much hard work in the way of self development (give yourself a massive pat on the back), others have more work to do. When it comes to dealing with frustrating people, a large percentage of the time they tend to not want to put in the work in. Whether they're lazy, neglectful by choice or self focused (with zero interest in anyone else), a small percentage of people can involve those who genuinely don't know what to start working on or where to start work. Starting, for all involved, can involve a wake up call. What the wake up call sounds like can be based on the nature of the person we're talking to. We might say to one person 'You have the choice to laze or to spend the time thinking while coming up with a solution. Stop lazing or being lazy and start working on solutions'. To another we might say 'Based on your level of self focus and your self serving nature, serve yourself as opposed to someone else serving you the meal you'd like'. To another we might ask 'How do you wish to start developing new ways of managing certain challenges? Let's think of ways together'.

If it helps, the biggest lesson I've learned when it comes to dealing with completely unreasonable people who refuse to be led to reason is...DON'T REASON WITH THEM. It's a complete waste of time and can become emotionally charging in all the wrong ways. In other words it can lead to a lot of unnecessary anger which is not good for our nervous system. It would be reasonable to say to everyone in the family 'Let's sit down together in a reasonable manner and create a list of the foods we can all agree on (which can include leftovers and occasionally having the same meal twice in a row)'. If your mum says 'Okay' and everyone else says 'No', then only the reasonable people who show up to that meeting get fed (you and her). The rest face consequences. Some people only change through facing consequences. Others, such as yourself, change voluntarily through feeling the need to develop or evolve. The job you crave will come to you whilst you're in the midst of an incredibly challenging level of self development. Btw, a 'lighthouse' person, someone who acts as a guide while shedding much needed light on things, needs times of recharge away from some of the things that continue to drain them. Look after yourself.❤️