Loss

[Guest_84299112]

I’m 42, for my whole life I’ve had a dysfunctional family. My mum wasn’t always there for me but I’ve always loved her. My whole life I’ve had brothers and sisters that have been toxic towards me. So I ended up disappearing in the back ground. I did my own thing. Had my own family. Got a bachelor degree. A good job. No one said congratulations to me. I’ve had numerous issues with relationships where I always pick the wrong guy and I’ve now been single for 4 years. About 3 years ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I tried to be there as much as I could. My mother was very close to the younger two siblings who are in their 30s. She had a lot more time with them as they have been unemployed their whole life. Where I was out working and keeping busy so I couldn’t be there all the time.  Anyway, her cancer has spread to her brain and she has a few weeks-2 months to live. I was there every day. Helping shower her and look after her. My little brother wanted her home so he pulled her out of hospital and she’s on palliative care. Once she was home I didn’t think it was appropriate for her especially because he was going to be her main carer.  He was not fit to do it.  Because I voiced my concerns he threatened me, put me down, argued with me and so I walked out of their and never got to say goodbye to my mum. She can’t communicate via phone anymore due to her condition. But the two siblings have taken over control of her and I can’t see her. They won’t leave the room when I’m there and they hover around her. Anything I talk to my mum about they use it against me. They even use my job as a health professional against me. I assume out of jealousy. Now I haven’t seen my mum for 2 weeks.  I can’t say goodbye because the two siblings won’t leave so I can spend time with her.  I feel lately so traumatised by it all. I can feel my depression coming back. I also have PTSD so it’s bringing everything to the surface. I thought about going back on antidepressants but I hate the way I feel on them with the side effects. It’s the side effects that are the hardest and I can’t work or function for the first few weeks. 

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through at present, I know it is not an easy time for you.

I can relate to so much of your post. In my case, I am the youngest sibling. My family was also dysfunctional along with siblings who were unable to see me for who I am (instead as the younger sibling) one of which is a narcissist and toxic. I have lost 3 members of my family to cancer and have had it myself (all good now) so I understand what a difficult time it is for you right now. I used to think it was just my family, but there are definitely more dysfunctional families than functional ones out there. You only need to look around these forums to recognise it.

So I have a couple of questions to ask because of my experience with my own family. Has anyone actually got POA (Power of Attorney), Medical POA and Guardianship papers signed by your mum? I had all 3 for my father and mother and my siblings made life difficult even with the signed papers, but without them, your siblings don't have any right to keep you from your mother or to hover when you visit. Even though I had the ability to stop my toxic sibling from being involved, it was not in my nature to do so. So I am checking if all the legal things are in order before talking about what is possible from here.

I am happy to continue supporting you through this if you are comfortable.

Take good care of yourself too,

indigo