I don't know what to do.

b46 · ‎18-05-2017

My boyfriend left me 5 nights ago.

We had plans to move in soon and to stay together. Things were not perfect but I had completely convinced myself that we were doing good and were going to last. I took a full time job only weeks ago so that we would have some rental security.

My whole body has not stopped aching. My mind won't stop replaying every single moment we spent together. All the good moments and all the bad ones too. Every single situation that I reacted badly to. Every "I love you". Every mistake I made. Everything I could have done or said better.

I have lost interest in everything. I can't listen to music. I can't eat. I have barely slept.

I thought I had finally figured my life out and that I had a secure future. Now I don't even feel like I have a future.

He has been hanging out with me because he doesn't want me to do "anything stupid". I feel like since I isolated myself from people in general when we started dating that I have no one. I feel like I seeing him helps me feel normal even if its just for a few hours. But then the reality hits me again and again and again and it hurts more and more.

Does anyone have advice for when you don't feel like going on anymore?

Jessicatherese94 · ‎19-05-2017

Hi b46, welcome to the forum. It has only been five days, and I think feeling down after someone has broken up with you is pretty normal. Rest assured, what you're feeling is what most people would feel after they've been broken up with. You say that you've isolated yourself, is there anyone you can talk to about this? It'd probably be good to talk to someone other than your boyfriend/ex boyfriend at this point in time, such as a family member of even a counsellor at Lifeline (131114) or here at beyondblue. I know you don't believe it now, but in time you will probably see that the break up was for the best. You've mentioned things weren't perfect, maybe think about that a little more and that could explain why it hasn't worked out. There's something I really want you to know, a "secure future" is not dependent on anyone in the world except for you. Someone being in your life does not secure anything. It is the choices you make in the way you choose to treat others, be kind to other people, your dreams/ambitions/goals etc that make you who you are, and just because he has gone does not mean that you will not have a good future. You will experience love again that I can assure you. You are more than your relationship or someone's presence in your life. Please let me know how you're going. J

Fle9 · ‎19-05-2017

I hope you're feeling a bit better today. It's really hard in the first days and weeks. I remember googling, searching and thinking of reasons, answers and even ways to get him back. I remember feeling so down. The best thing I did was pick up the phone to lifeline. I called them every time I felt that low. Every call I made helped. Eventually I saw a counsellor and I found that talking it out really helped me move forward. It's been a couple of years now and I can't tell you how different my life is now. I wouldn't have believed it all that time ago!

It's ok to feel. Sharing those feelings will really help you out.

Let us know how you go.

Hope_for_the_best · ‎19-05-2017

I experienced something like that before and I can relate to how you feel. As suggested by others, it is good to reach out to someone to talk to, be that friends or family. For me, other than someone close to me, I went to a psychologist. She did not "cure" me completely, but at least she provided me with strategies to cope better. I also tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle, i.e. eating well and getting enough sleep, which helped a lot. I found that redirecting my focus on my studies/work/hobbies helped too. Since you have got a full-time job now. Why not try to focus on your job? I am not saying that you should make yourself workaholic to cope with the stress. Rather, try to fill up your life more, so you don't just focus on the breakup. When the breakup does pop up in your mind, do not suppress your thoughts. Often, asking yourself don't think of something will make you more obsessed about that. Instead, acknowledge that you are sad and reassure yourself that this will pass and you will get over it.

Get well soon 🙂

White_Rose · ‎20-05-2017

Dear B46

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you found us here because you can talk about your loss in safety and the folk who write here will be able to support you.

I am so sorry you are feeling dreadful. The loss of someone you love is devastating. Your body is telling you how much you hurt with all its aches and pains. And your mind is going in circles wondering what happened, where did it all go wrong. Your BF sounds like a decent guy because he is still looking after you. I'm sure he thinks this is the right thing to and you are grateful for this. I believe this is actually counter productive. You look forward to each time you see him and get upset each time he leaves. I know this is hard and you find comfort in this, but it is far too many emotional ups and downs and it's wearing you out. I suggest you tell him not to contact you. I can hear your gasp of horror, but you will not get strong and well again while you are leaning on him for occasional comfort.

You say he is staying around in case you do something stupid. Do you feel you are going to harm yourself? This is very important that you are clear you are not going to try this. If this is a possibility then you must go and see your GP immediately. If you want someone to talk to during the weekend please phone one of these 24/7 help lines. Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636, or the Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467. The people on the last number will talk a little longer. Please contact one of them if you feel unsafe.

Sadly your feelings are quite normal in these circumstances and I know this does not make it easier for you. Not only have you lost someone dear to you but you feel your whole future has disappeared. Having a secure future really has nothing to do with having a partner. You can find friends, enjoy activities, buy your own home, make your own decisions, do what you want without the need to have someone approve of what you do.

You are blaming yourself in your post and that is not right. These kinds of separations are not because partner is not good enough for the other. Or if that's true then you are best out of it. Look at what you have accomplished in your life on your own. You now have a full time job which these days is hard to come by. You took this job to provide more security, so now you can budget your own money and hopefully start saving for your own home.

Running out of word limit. Please write in again and we can talk some more.

Mary

b46 · ‎20-05-2017

Hi Jessica,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means so much to me.

I didn't reply straight away as I wanted to read what people had to say and really let it sink in.

I have been thinking about what you said- how a secure future has nothing to do with who is in my life. It makes complete sense. I guess I have been stuck in a mind state that tells me that I can't be alone. I feel like a failure for not being able to keep someone in my life. But I shouldn't. I feel like a failure for not being able to see the problems clearly- but that's not my fault. I know that I tried desperately to communicate with him and to make sure everything was OK with him. But he never told me things weren't going well and that he didn't actually see a future together (in fact, he would say the opposite). Maybe he was scared. It's okay.

I feel like I am becoming OK with it a little bit more everyday. I am trying to be kind to myself and keep experiencing life without him even though it hurts. I am really looking forward to the day that it doesn't hurt so much.

I also opened up to a friend last night about it. Just a little. It was weird, I actually felt like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I think trying to keep it to myself was a mistake. I guess it's good that those you spend time with know you're hurting.

I feel anxious and scared but also a little bit excited to try meet new people to get to know. I want to focus on making friends, so I have somewhat of a support for whenever life gets tough. I guess it's just a matter of getting out there and making the effort (which I have had enormous problems with in the past).

Whenever I feel like I can't get through this.. I have started reminding myself of the last time this happened. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years, I thought I wanted to marry this guy, but he left me over 2 years ago. I was heartbroken and I thought I'd never survive it. Looking back now, I actually laugh because I became completely fine and in fact a better person for it. I am looking forward to getting to that stage again.

Thank you so much again Jessica.

B

b46 · ‎20-05-2017

Hi Fle9,

Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot. You basically described exactly what has gone on the past week for me! I'm starting to think it's more common than I even realise.

I did the whole, begging to be given another chance, that this time would be different, that I would do anything, that I loved him so much. I was contemplating renting an apartment even on impulse ASAP to show him I was serious about moving out, and maybe if he saw I had a place he would magically want to live with me and we'd live happily ever after. It feels pathetic now, but it was hard to accept it's over. (Well, still is, but I think I am making progress). I am feeling more and more OK about it.

I was thinking of calling LifeLine, but I felt like my problems weren't important enough. However I have opened up to a friend and it felt like a load off my shoulders.

Thank you again Fle9 🙂

b46

b46 · ‎20-05-2017

Hi Hope.for.the.best,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me.

You are right- I need to make my life more full. I have also been doing a hell of a lot of reassuring myself that this is going to pass and it's okay to just feel.

I also took your advice and spoke to a friend about it last night. I didn't think it would happen but I felt a big weight off my shoulders. Just someone knowing I was hurting and them caring about it made me feel more normal.

I am going to strive for more and focus on building my life up so that I am better able to cope with situations like these in the future.

Thank you again 🙂

Bridget

Elle27 · ‎04-06-2017

Hello. I can completely understand! I've recently gone through a similar experience after breaking up with my boyfriend. We were together for a bit over 4 years & I thought that he was my forever guy. I had plans for us to have a great future together. Our breakup was kind of mutual in the end. He said that he never wants to get married or have children. It was really hard for me to accept that but all of his friends were at the age (30ish) where they were getting engaged, married & having children so if he was going to want it then this would be the time that he would change his mind. He said that he didn't want to keep stringing me along when he knows that they are things that he definitely doesn't want.

Our relationship was a bit of an odd one - he lived 2 and a bit hours away from me due to work and I only ever got to see him on the weekends, never during the week. So just like you I lost a lot of my friends when we got together as he took up all of my time. He was always my priority & I started to see my friends less & less as we were all too busy during the week with work & uni to catch up.

It's been a bit over a month since we broke up & I can still remember every little detail about the day we had the conversation & broke up. I know exactly how it feels when you're whole body aches, you constantly feel like you're going to throw up, you can hardly eat & you just can't sleep. I think the hardest thing for me is when you're head is constantly swirling around & around with things you've said to each other, the what if's, the second guessing yourself if it was the right thing to do & all the beautiful memories that you have together. I personally now have no idea what to do with all of those memories that once put the biggest smile on my face. Now they kind of bring me sadness & knowing that we won't make anymore together.

When we broke up I told him that there was no way I could go back to just being friends with him. We don't hate each other & the breakup wasn't nasty or anything but it would just be too hard. I haven't heard from him since that day & sometimes I wish that he would msg or call me & theres many times that I've had to stop myself from getting into contact with him. Each time I just have to ask myself what am I going to get out of it? Is it going to make me feel better? Is it going to make me feel worse?

I know that it's hard but if you can try and stop seeing him, in time you will start to feel better. Let me know how you go

Elle