I am struggling in my marriage

[Ryan82]

Hi I am a father of 4 our kids range from 3-9 years. I have been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I am writing here to see if anyone else has experienced my situation and to see if anyone has been able to resolve this in their relationship. 

First of all I love my wife very much. My struggle is when it comes to the children. I have never been allowed to take my two boys or two girls anywhere without my wife being present. To me it is normal to take the boys on just a father sons trip ( a weekend at most) but my wife is flat out against it. Her words “Its not necessary, your not a mother you don’t understand, you didn’t grow them in your belly” I understand that I haven’t physically birthed my children and I am not a mother that’s obvious. She says why would I try and hurt her knowing she doesn’t want me to take them. My intention isn’t to hurt her but she doesn’t understand my needs. Is a father not as important as a mother? Does he have no needs in bonding with his kids? I don’t feel much like a father because she always makes the mother the most important figure in a child’s life. When it come to the children she decides everything. Sleep times what they eat where they go everything. I even get told off for giving my 3 year old food because she is feeding her. She won’t even spend time alone with me just to go out for dinner without thinking about the children the whole time we are at dinner. Romancing her trying to treat her to a night out and spend time just the two of us is a waste of time she’s never there with me. I don’t know how to go on from here. I am struggling. I feel like she’d be happier without me. 

[Dean07]

Hi Ryan82.

Good on you for coming onto the forum to seek support. Doing this stuff on your own can be difficult.

I can speak from my experience but I spend a lot of time with my kids going away camping and other various activities. My kids who are adults now look back on those times with fondness.
I personally think fathers are as important to the children as a mother. Both bring different things to the care of the kids.

Over the last year I have gone through a divorce after 30 year marriage. I still have great connections with my kids.
I found a online men's group which helped me through this. There was great support from the men in the group. Hopefully you get some good answers on this forum. If not maybe a another group could be of help to support you through this situation. I found connection with other people to be very important in enabling me to handle some of the tough times.

I don't have any quick fixes for your particular situation but I would encourage you to find support and not to do it alone.

[therising]

Hi Ryan82

I feel for you so much as a dad who wants to gain experiences with his kids and develop fond memories to reflect upon in the future. I can never understand how some parents don't want to develop or evolve with their kids in a variety of ways. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm actually a mum, to an almost 19yo son and 21yo daughter. I know I sound a bit biased but I'd have to say they are 2 of the most amazing human beings I've ever met. They've led me to develop in so many different ways, not just as a parent but as a person in general. If not for all the different types of experiences and challenges I've shared with them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So, I can understand your desire to grow with your kids and your frustration when it comes to your wife interfering with certain opportunities for growth.

I wonder whether she's coming from a place of fear or concern. I'm not sure whether it's a mother thing or a primary carer thing, in relation to the parent who spends the most amount of time and therefor has the most amount of experience with the child/ren. There can be a fear that someone else may not sense their child's needs, may not sense the need to watch them and keep them safe from potential danger, sense that little voice in the head that can develop with the experience of parenting (aka 'intuition') and so on. I imagine you've heard the phrase 'A mother's intuition'. While some dad's are absolutely brilliant in the way they have all these senses, some are questionable, just like some mums are questionable at times. When our kids were little, my husband was a shocker when it came to watching the kids. We'd go out and he'd rarely ever keep an eye on them. For example, if we ever went to the local market and I'd say to him 'I'm just going off to look at something. Can you watch the kids?', he'd agree to watch them. Then I'd observe from a distance as they'd trail behind him, out of his line of sight. He'd be looking around at everything except the children a majority of the time. I couldn't trust him to watch them. I'm talking toddler age and a little older. Once my daughter got to around the age of 7, I'd get her to go out with her father and younger brother so that she could keep an eye on her brother. I could rely more on a 7yo child than I could on their father. By no means is it my intention to slam my husband, just giving and example of the internal dialogue that can go through a mother's mind while influencing her decisions, such as 'You can't trust him to watch the children and keep them safe'. You could say it can become more about managing a mother's internal dialogue than anything else.

The problem with a mother's fear is it can stop her kids from having the kinds of experiences in life that are going to serve them in a number of ways. This is a lesson I learned as a mum. If you're a watchful caring dad who's longing to take your kids on adventures in life, proving to your wife that she has nothing to fear may be the goal. Weaning her off having to be with the kids 24/7 could be quite the process. Letting her observe you as being completely trustworthy could start to change her inner dialogue a bit.

[Ryan82]

Hi therising

Thanks so much for your reply. What I neglected to put in my first post was that I’m a stay at home dad. I look after our kids all the time. But when it comes to take them anywhere outside the home on my own my wife has told me it never happening. She has even threatened to leave me if I was to ever do it without her permission. Which I’m unlikely to ever get. She controls everything. I have had multiple conversations with her about it and she basically down plays how I feel. She has said on many occasions that I’m selfish for even wanting to have time alone with my boys or my girls. I’m not trying to take them away from her but I feel strongly about the fact as parents we bond with our kids doing things as a family and also each parent personally with each of their children. I think it’s healthy. She has on many occasions taken all the kids by herself to her parents place without me and doesn’t bay an eyelid. And she definitely doesn’t trust them because they get to visit the kids once every 8 weeks because she says so. Me on the other hand can’t go to any of my family without her if the need arises. It’s just hard sometimes I think I’ll stay so long as the kids are here and when they’ve grown I can’t see my marriage beyond that time. I’ll never get the time back with my kids and that’s what really bothers me. I’d have more options if we weren’t married at all. Cheers thanks for reading I appreciate to share it with someone Ryan82

[therising]

Hi Ryan82

My heart just breaks for you, especially given how much time you put in with your kids each day in raising them yet not being able to spend more one on one time together with them under specific circumstances, such as outside the house. This really is heartbreaking.

While your wife may be highly conscious about what she wants for the kids, it sounds like she's not conscious of the lack of respect and consideration she gives their father. I recall many years back when I went to marriage counseling on my own, based on my husband not wanting to go. I just couldn't tolerate living under the conditions myself and the kids were living under. While they weren't entirely bad, they also weren't great in a number of ways. For example, we'd moved into a new house and as far as my husband was concerned everything had to be perfect. No posters on the walls. No family pictures on the walls either. No one was aloud to even touch the walls, in case this left dirty fingerprints. The list of demands went on. Having been largely a people pleaser for so many years, I'd reached my limits while feeling little pleasure left in life for myself. I'd become depressed for a variety of reasons. In the first counseling session, the counselor asked me something that shifted my perspective dramatically, 'What leads you to settle for less that what you deserve? What leads you to believe you and the kids are not entitled to these things that would bring you joy?'. After my wake up call, I began to fight for what the kids and I were entitled to, such as to have family pics up on the walls to look at and feel joy through seeing. I began to tell my husband to get used to changes that were coming and that I was open to reason and negotiation but not deprivation. You know what, at the end of the day I'd say this was the beginning of loving myself more, respecting myself more and enjoying myself more. And I got that from marriage counseling, on my own. Btw, my husband began to adjust to some of the changes when I began to stop settling.

His wake up call came when I said to him, 'You once lived on your own, in your own place where you could do whatever you wanted. If this is the life you want, we can arrange for you to go back to living this way again. If there's one thing for sure it's that I can no longer live the way you want, it's depressing me'. With your wife, if her behaviour and demands are depressing or borderline depressing, this needs serious addressing. Perhaps speaking to a counselor of some type may offer you the perspective and guidance that offer you an enlightening way forward.