Choosing to stay through the hard times

[NAM3--]

I suppose I'm writing this looking for a little hope that eventually it will all be worth it. 

I'm a 33 year old women, been married to my wife for about 5 years and the clock for children is ticking. This has created alot of resentment in our relationship because I was never proactive on this topic. I was not sure I wanted kids due to my own poor upbringing (abuse/neglect) and had said as much. This ambivalance/lack of need to have kids has meant that my wife believes I do not want them. In the past few years, I have grown a desire to be a mother out of my own personal growth and realising I get to choose the life I provide my children...except Covid happened, my wife works remotely and worked very hard in a high stress job through this time due to short staffing so it was never discussed as our communication suffered through this time. We moved recently for a new job for her with better balance...except in that time, her resentment for me has grown so now she thinks I'm saying yes to children to appease her so doesn't trust that I'm not going to blame her in future and leave if I am unhappy. I've tried to explain my perspective and she knows some details of my childhood (not much as I find it very difficult to talk about). We're in councelling but she doesn't see any progress because it is her choice to let go of the resentment but she hasn't made it. It's been a year now and I'm just looking for support to hang in there basically. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

This sounds like a challenging and emotionally draining time for you - from your painful childhood experiences to your evolving feelings about parenthood, all while navigating the complexities of marriage and external stressors like the pandemic. Your commitment to counselling and open communication is a positive step. And I cannot predict the future either 😞

Letting go of hurt can take time and the amount of time required for each person is unique. And your efforts to grow, communicate, and work on your relationship are commendable. I am curious about what you were hoping for after a year of counselling? (It is genuine curiosity, nothing more.) I also wonder what you head/heart are saying?

On hanging in there ... hope and patience, both for yourself and your wife. (Sometimes we have to ride the waves.)

Listening...

[NAM3--]

Hi Smallwolf,

Thank you for your kind words. It has been a truley tough time and I definately need some surfing lessons ride some of these big waves!

I guess I went into the councelling to get strategies on ways to communicate in a way where we were both speaking the same language so to speak. Like, if we are both using the same tools to communicate then it would help us understand each other so we could move forward...in whatever way that may be.

I think this was a different approach to my wife's, she had said that she wanted it to be an arena where we could fight through some difficult topics, it seems from our last session that someone needs to come out the winner in her mind. (This is obviously not supported by the councellor). I guess after a year, I was hoping that there would have been a shift away from this mindset by now...

My head and heart as still in my marriage - I come from a family background where divorce is not at all common too so perhaps a different mindset to many. I don't think marriage is always supposed to be easy. My wife, on the other hand has 5 divorces between her two parents.

It's just so hard sometimes being the person who is a constant when the doubt creeps in but very good advice - just ride the waves!

Anyway, thank you for listening to my vent. I appreciate you.

[smallwolf]

It does sound like you both come from different places wrt handling issues? Your wife wants to fight it out, whereas you might want to be able to talk through it without devolving into an argument. And with that said, I would suspect the counsellor/therapist would have given you both strategies in one of the sessions. 

You also mentioned in your reply that "someone needs to come out the winner".... What does it mean then to be "loser" of the argument? But if this is also the way issues get resolved since (when?), with arguments winners and losers, changes in behaviour take time. Sorry if that does not sound very positive. 

Can I ask what you do when conversations get heated?