Husband hates my mum, new partner, most people

[Guest_28102579]

Looking for help. My husband and I have been married for 8 years now. 2 kids together. The relationship has most been rocky for the first 7 years or marriage but over the last year he has changed so significantly it’s like I’m married to a new man - in a great way!

the thing is I used to share all my issues I was having with him with my mum, and rightfully she could’ve easily cut him off and treated him badly for everything he did to me. But she didn’t she stuck by me and supported me.

now she has a new partner, who she said has made her truly happy but he has turned my mum into someone I don’t know at all. And over the last year has shown us his true colours. Drunkenness, rude behaviour to my husband, stinginess at family gatherings, chain smoking etc. I don’t want my kids around that. I have told my mum I don’t like him and she has not taken this well. And honestly my husband is more hating him than I am to The point he refuses to go to any family gatherings, will not allow our children there and has also vocalised that he now thinks my mum is ‘low class’ for staying with someone like this. My mum says he makes her happy so I accept that. But she cannot accept that I will not engage with him anymore or go over and sit outside while they chain smoke. My husband makes this very hard for me too as he get riled up when I speak about them.

am I in the wrong here? Should I just accept my mums choice into my life too? I feel pressured because my husband feels so so strongly as well. So confused about what to do it’s tearing me apart. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you 🙂

Would it be true to say that you can't tolerate your mum's partner when he's been drinking but you can tolerate him to some degree when he hasn't been drinking and is a little more conscious? If that does happen to be the case, I think it's fair to say to your mum 'I just don't want to be around him when he's been drinking'. I've found some people to be unbearable when they've had a few or more. With every drink they become less and less conscious (of their behaviour, the way they speak, their level of consideration and so on). It becomes a matter of 'Your gradual loss of consciousness is not going to be my problem'. I think if there are kids involved, we may tend to raise the bar even further. For example, 'While I can just tolerate your drunken racist foul mouthed homophobic rants at times (short of being seriously triggered and enraged by them), I'm not going to subject my kids to that. This is based on my respect for them'. I think your mum needs to accept there will be some consequences when it comes to her partner's behaviour. Some people will accept it, some won't and some might tolerate some aspects of it but not all aspects.

If, through her partner, she's discovering parts of herself that bring her happiness (such as a carefree part of herself or a free spirited part or some other part) she may in time wake up to certain down sides of his nature. Being too carefree, too free spirited, too dismissive etc can also come with consequences. Wondering how your mum managed to be supportive during troubling times in your marriage? Not sure whether this is something you could speak to her about. How did she manage to cope with some of the stuff that challenged her during that time, when it came to your husband? Did she prefer not to see him or did she manage to see him only under certain circumstances, like once in a while?

While some people may say your mum has perhaps lowered her standards or lowered the bar, when it comes to what she looks for in a partner, I feel it's a bit harsh to call her 'low class'. Would it be fair to say she's a good person experiencing a highly questionable choice in a partner?