Husband away on extended army course

[Sadmilitarywife]

My husband is in the army reserves and left a few days ago for an extended course. He is non contactable for the first week and it’s tough. We have been together over 20 years

I work full time, am managing everything on my own, am keeping busy during the day and am doing okay during the day.

The nights however are getting tougher and tougher. You can’t “keep busy” when it’s time to sleep.

My sleep is impacted, and some nights I cry a lot. 
About 2 months before he went away, we had been in a huge fight and I still have unresolved pain from this. We had made such amazing progress in our relationship and we are really stronger than we had ever been. It’s like the light had been turned back on.

The timing of this non contact now, is making this extremely difficult. 
Has anyone faced this type of challenge? How do manage the extreme loneliness at night when you should be sleeping?

Is it something I just have to ride out, and wait for a turning point?

[ABC01]

Hello,

I think it is perfectly okay to miss your husband and find it difficult to not be in touch for a whole week. We can do that as humans easily(not speak to each other for a whole week) but when there is a condition in place and that option is taken away from you, I think it is natural to feel slightly uneasy. However you are not fully cut off. They (the army reserves) will always let each of you know if something serious has to be communicated.

I have come to find nights are the worst for anything,especially when emotions are involved. Sunlight vs darkness is an easy winner. Sunlight gives us so many more options to fill up time to distract ourselves if needed. We can leave our homes in safety and confidence.

Loneliness is hard. Managing it can be tricky until you find a flow. Do you have a few people you could call for a chat at night and then call a different one each night? Then could you create a nighttime routine of selfcare after to help with going off to sleep? Maybe a nice bath or use a shower steamer (a bath bomb made for showers) in the shower. Is there a tv show you then could watch two episodes of a night? Do you have any animals who could sit on the couch or bed with you? Or maybe you could hope on the forums and see if there are any posts you maybe able to answer too. Any left over projects that could be finished. A puzzle to work the brain. All these things use up pent up energy and can help at sleep time.
You can ride it out or you can change your pattern of behaviour.

I personally hate the time when I am in bed but haven’t fallen asleep yet. That is the time I think the most and generally about my own issues. So I can empathise how you may be doing the same thing. I have in the past put the tv on sleep timer and gone to sleep listening to the voices of “Neighbours” or the shopping channel. Something that is not too stimulating that I can’t sleep. I use Lavender shower gel in my shower at night. I have a sound machine that plays waves ect. I have been referred to podcasts,though I haven’t tried it yet. And breathing exercises to get into the right rhythm, if my mind has worked me up instead of wind me down.

There are many posts about sleep here,you should have a look and see if they have any ideas that resonate with you.

I think you miss ONE person and the longing for them specially maybe the strongest answer for your loneliness. Unfortunately. If this may happen again in the future,it may be a positive move to maybe adopt a friend to keep you company when you are together aswell as when you aren’t. That way you have a stable companionship at home. 
This period of time you are experiencing today will only make you a stronger person as you will learn how to be by yourself. Discomfort turns to comfort if you sit in it long enough. Crying happens because of love and something that is important to you.

You made a really strong and brave decision to connect here on the forums. You have got this,if you aren’t afraid to ask for help. Keep talking if you can’t find what you need.

I will be cheering for you. I was an army kid for 11 years.
ABC01

[BlueLily]

Hi Sadmilitarywife,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation.

My husband used to do a travelling job that required to be overseas for months at a time. Even though it wasn't as tough as army reserve, he was unreachable most of the time due to time difference. I understand how lonely it can be, specially at night and how unresolved pain can last long for no reason. I was trying to be independent and pushing myself too much and it took me a long time to accept I had to do something about loneliness. So I'm glad you are here and that you are taking care of yourself.

The way I see it, there's two points we need to solve. First is that you miss your husband. To overcome that you can make the most of it when he's at home by going on holidays, dinner outs, picnics etc. These memories will last with both of you while you are apart. While he's away see if you can schedule a time for a call weekly or even email/text photo memories.

Next is your loneliness. I found simply by "keeping busy" won't fill that void. Do you have close family/friends that you can spend time with? I used to tag along with friends on their vacations and dinner outs while I was alone. Or sometimes organize girls outings or dinner at my place. Also rather than making myself busy with chores and other routine activities I tried to find my passion or hobbies. That way I was spending the time meaningfully and didn't feel so miserable every night going to sleep. In my case I ended up starting a university course which gave me plenty of time to study and focus. 

Hope you find some ideas that works for you among the answers. Keep us updated...