Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Minelle Partner hiding and lying about messaging ex
  • replies: 5

I have recently discovered that my partner has been regularly messaging an ex of his. Don't get me wrong, a message here and there even with an ex is fine by my standards if you inform the person you are currently in a relationship with that they hav... View more

I have recently discovered that my partner has been regularly messaging an ex of his. Don't get me wrong, a message here and there even with an ex is fine by my standards if you inform the person you are currently in a relationship with that they have contacted you or vice versa. Not all ex partners are people you need to go no contact with, and you can be friendly with them. However, this particular ex is a very toxic person. She has emotionally manipulated multiple men for sex and attention and then tosses them away. Anytime this person comes up in conversations with me, my partner, or any of our friends everyone agrees that she is absolutely no good for anyone. After having one of these conversations about this person, I saw messages from her on my partners phone when he gave it to me to message another person for him. They were very recent messages and not just a few, but long conversations. I was so angry and hurt that he could agree with his friends opinions and my opinions of her and then hide the fact that they still talk. I confronted him about it and he lied to me saying he hasn't spoken to her for multiple years, which I know to be incorrect regardless of the recent messages I saw. As I pushed further he changed his story and said he hasn't spoken to her for multiple months, and again I did not believe him and he changed it to having spoken to her within the last week. After a massive fight with a lot of screaming on both parts, he also informed me that he cheated on his last girlfriend with this same ex. I knew that he cheated before but never pushed for more information and only let him know how deeply it hurt me to know that he did that to his previous partner. Now knowing this extra information, coupled with hiding the nature of his contact, and then lying about it multiple times, I just don't know what to do. Since I caught him and we had that argument he has said that he can't trust me, and that I am the one with insecurity issues. He packed bags and left and has said that the relationship is over, but then continued to message me saying that he loves me. How can I trust him ever again? How am I insecure when it's proven that he hides things from me and lies? I feel as though the only way we can repair the relationship is if he cuts all contact with this person, but I also believe you cannot ask that of someone because then it becomes like an ultimatum. I have never been in a situation like this before so any advice is appreciated.

Denham123 Living and coping with a narcissist husband
  • replies: 6

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most... View more

If you have been reading my posts about how my husband has been treating me, it might sugggest that my husband of 9 years is narcissistic. I recently discovered this word and when I analysed it, I found patterns and behaviours in my husband. The most recent behaviour I now know is that there is no room for my personal growth. I have not grown in those 9 years through manipulation, fear, fighting constantly, putting insecurities in me by the very person who is supposed to protect me from all my vulnerabilities. we had a really big fight on Tuesday night. I asked why is he still hanging around. Why can’t you leave me alone. Why can’t you go live life and be happy. he said it’s because he made a promise to my mum whiles she was in her death bed. I told him, she’s gone and leave her in peace. now I’m thinking my mum has passed away, it’s been 9 years since she passed away and I’m the one living, alive and breathing. What about the promise you made to me when we exchanged vows. Where’s the love. All the vows are dead, I’m just existing. Not living life. I want to better myself but every time I do that, all my efforts bears no fruit. I don’t get acknowledged, I don’t get validated, I don’t get the thanks, Im not getting anything by staying in this marriage. people would say I live in a Nice house in a nice suburb and I should be grateful. Yet constant fighting, arguing what the hell. I live where I’m not paying rent, nor mortgage nor buying food, medicine etc. I don’t cook, clean or anything. All I do is watch videos, study when I want to, sleep when I’m sleepy. what behaviour are you seeing?

Homer1071 My partner doesn't have long to live
  • replies: 41

My partner has lung and heart disease,has been given days if not months to live we have a 23 year old son together and I have so many emotions going through my head I have angry outbursts at people and frustration is peaking off the chart

My partner has lung and heart disease,has been given days if not months to live we have a 23 year old son together and I have so many emotions going through my head I have angry outbursts at people and frustration is peaking off the chart

Jade12345 8 weeks pregnant and boyfriend wants me to terminate it but I have huge emotions towards it
  • replies: 10

So I found out I’m pregnant and at first I was sure I was going to get an termination being 21 and the stigma around young parents. However, I have now had an ultrasound and saw the baby and watched it’s heart beating and felt an instant connection. ... View more

So I found out I’m pregnant and at first I was sure I was going to get an termination being 21 and the stigma around young parents. However, I have now had an ultrasound and saw the baby and watched it’s heart beating and felt an instant connection. I felt happy seeing it and then so sad after because I now wasn’t sure I wanted to terminate. My boyfriend is not understanding or supporting me through this confusion. We are young and it’s very scary and won’t be easy but I have been independent since I was 16 and I am ready to support it and love it. My boyfriend has called me selfish for not doing what he wants and that I will ruin his life if I keep it and I just don’t know what to do.

Mrsbeec Dealing with infidelity
  • replies: 17

My head feels like a washing machine. I just want to feel myself again. I am a teacher and a few weeks ago I caught a mother in my class (also a friend) sending dirty home movies to my husband. He confessed and said they had been texting for 4 months... View more

My head feels like a washing machine. I just want to feel myself again. I am a teacher and a few weeks ago I caught a mother in my class (also a friend) sending dirty home movies to my husband. He confessed and said they had been texting for 4 months!! He said it was just casual conversation, but he knew it was wrong and hid it until one night it became sexual conversation. I found the video on my iCloud as she sent it via link sharing and I had set his phone up with my Apple ID. I saw no more of 10 seconds of it before I was throwing up. My husband of 20 years apologised many times and said they never had any physical contact, but she did talk to him at school (we both work there) and she lives in my street. I have taught all 3 of her children and teach one right now. I am apparently their favourite teacher, but I feel like it was a way for her and my husband to connect. He blocked her, has answered every question and is really trying and I don’t want to throw everything away, but the hurt inside is enormous. During the day I don’t think about it and we have been working on our marriage, which honestly thought was great, but at night or when I’m alone my head goes into overdrive. I create conversations in my head and analyse everything that has happened for the past few months. I go and reread his texts seeing if there was a hint he was cheating and I feel like I’m going crazy. I haven’t told anyone because I’m embarrassed and I feel stupid. I want to continue to work on my marriage and we are having counselling, but I feel like I’m going to think about this forever. My husband has promised he never felt anything and he was stupid (a lot worse words used) but I’m under the impression she wants something as she is walking her child in down to his office, but he is avoiding any contact with her like he promised he would. (I can see everything from my classroom). She looks cranky he’s not there and she dresses right up to do the drop off. I have to act professional but my heart is shattered. I want it to stop swirling around and I want the pain to go away.

Meaning1 Abusive sister
  • replies: 5

Hi there, am new to this forum and this is my first post. I’m 46, male, professional and have several older siblings (all female). Over the last 20 or so years, I’ve had a very difficult relationship with one of my siblings - specifically when I want... View more

Hi there, am new to this forum and this is my first post. I’m 46, male, professional and have several older siblings (all female). Over the last 20 or so years, I’ve had a very difficult relationship with one of my siblings - specifically when I want to discuss something of importance (eg her contributing to my elderly fathers expenses) or even politely declining a request to do something for her or comply in some way- is met with one of two responses and that is aggression (usually over text messages, or hanging up during a phone conversation) to ghosting or completely ignoring me altogether, at times for months on end. After taking several months off from the relationship, I reached out and told her why I had not been in contact (for the above stated reasons) and suggested that the only way forward for me would be to attend one or more counselling sessions together, which I would gladly pay for. Her response to this was something along the lines of - we are both adults and surely can work it out without a psychologist. That my feelings deserve to be validated etc etc and she’s happy to meet for a coffee. The issue I have is that we have tried this before and nary do I receive any acknowledgement from her that she has done the wrong thing or behaved inappropriately. Essentially she is self righteous and rarely apologies for anything she may or may not have done. I told her that we’ve tried doing this without help before and it hasn’t worked so unfortunately for me having a psychologist or mediator was the only way forward and to let me know if she changes her mind. Her response was “well, we will just have to agree to disagree.. let me know if you change your mind”. I think her response says it all and proves my point that coming to any kind of resolution is impossible without some “help”. I don’t intend to respond now. It’s her bday next week and I don’t intend on contacting her. I find her to be mean and quite vindictive.

Guest_342 Overwhelmed
  • replies: 3

I recently posted about my situation, having just had my interstate partner move in with me. You all gave me varied but amazing perspectives and suggestions. In the three or so weeks since, I'm becoming overwhelmed and irritable. I feel like my mind ... View more

I recently posted about my situation, having just had my interstate partner move in with me. You all gave me varied but amazing perspectives and suggestions. In the three or so weeks since, I'm becoming overwhelmed and irritable. I feel like my mind has closed down the idea of letting it flourish and I fear I'll never develop feelings of love for him. I told my mum and she wants only the best for me but thought it's possibly something I need to wait out for a month or two longer because it's probably unfair to take any actions so soon after his relocation. I see the sense in that but it does draw out my grief. I'm going through a tough time at work - there's a great deal of change and uncertainty going on and quite a number will be made redundant. My position is safe for now, but the morale is just rock bottom. Some people might struggle to find other work and I am also worried I'll lose some treasured colleagues. It's just not going to be the same again for a long time or ever. I've been there 13 years and we've been through some ups and downs like this before but never this widespread and so directly impacting my team. There are some people who I suspect may be at greatest risk of not retaining their jobs and they have mortgages - I just worry so much for them.

Ashii Difficulty supporting family members
  • replies: 2

I come from a family with a lot of complex trauma and mental ill health. I also suffer from the impact of trauma. I’ve been supporting my family members, and more specifically, one of my siblings for a year or so. They’ve recently been diagnosed with... View more

I come from a family with a lot of complex trauma and mental ill health. I also suffer from the impact of trauma. I’ve been supporting my family members, and more specifically, one of my siblings for a year or so. They’ve recently been diagnosed with several mental illnesses and have difficulty with attachment. I’ve been working with them to gain more independence so that they can rely more on them self when I’m not around. It’s worked to a point, but I feel like we’re constantly going backwards in progress lately and I’m honestly really struggling mentally. I don’t have my own space anymore and I’m often having to prioritise their mental health over my income and education. It’s not their fault and I would never blame them for it, but I’m so tired and there’s no rest in sight. I try to have conversations about behaviours and it ends badly no matter how I try to word it. If I get upset after my sibling accidentally hurts me, they get angry. I’m constantly being physically touched without my consent (hugging and play fighting) and when things go wrong, I have to deal with the consequences. Daily conversation is like walking on eggshells and when other family say the wrong thing I have to support my sibling alone through an attempt or self harm. My other family members actively avoid interacting with them if it means they have to be alone with them or when they’re having a bad time and I’m often told ‘you don’t want to help me because you can’t deal with me’ by my sibling. It feels like every time I have to go in for work they work them self up to a point of having a bad episode of mental health and often talk about attempts or self harm when I return. if there’s any general advice or places to get support as a caregiver of family members with mental ill health that would be great.

Denham123 I want to leave my husband of 9 years but I just don’t follow it through. What’s wrong with me?
  • replies: 11

I married this man in my early 30s, it was an arranged marriage where I was given the option to go ahead or not with the marriage. We have had lots of opportunities to break this marriage off but just don’t want to do it. Now we have a beautiful hous... View more

I married this man in my early 30s, it was an arranged marriage where I was given the option to go ahead or not with the marriage. We have had lots of opportunities to break this marriage off but just don’t want to do it. Now we have a beautiful house without any children. My husband cries poor every time he’s paying bills. I stopped working in 2021 when I got sick. I was studying part time from 2014 but all the fighting throughout those years never got to finish it. So now that I’m 40, I told him, I’ve had enough. I’m not going to work anymore and focus on myself. I gave him permanent residency, and he’s now a citizen. I helped him buy a brand new car, and I also helped him build a brand new car. It’s now me time. He’s mum is like oh you should go back to work so that you can pay the mortgage. I told her straight away now that I’m 40 I feel like I’m entitled to speak my mind now. I think I have nothing to lose so don’t really care about other peoples feelings anymore. Told her to piss off as it’s now me time. Your useless son wanted a house, now he’s got it. I didnot want the house, I was not ready. He’s the most useless man I have ever come across in my entire life and I’ve had enough. He’s a good for. Thing piece of dirt. He puts everything on me to make decisions with the house, yet cries poor now that he’s managing the mortgage on his own. He can’t even build a deck. I have frozen shoulder after I got sick last year and I am getting better, but it’s slow. All he thinks about is finishing the landscape right in the middle of my final exams. I had to defer first time already as I got so sick of the stress from this new house and uni isn’t easy when you are studying engineering. I have several times thought of committing suicide, but in the end he’s going to win. I’m getting old, I’m exhausted and have a flu right now. I told myself this is the last time I’m sacrificing my uni time. I just don’t know how to leave this marriage. I have used up my egg nest that I saved to escape from him. So I’m stuck in this brand new house with my name on this stupid mortgage. I’m not even contributing to this mortgage.

infodsagar Unable to continue
  • replies: 3

We are together for more than 5 years. Bit of background. We came here as student from overseas. I don't have family here. She does have her brother not far from our place. We met in Uni. and after 1 year of live-in relation married here in Australia... View more

We are together for more than 5 years. Bit of background. We came here as student from overseas. I don't have family here. She does have her brother not far from our place. We met in Uni. and after 1 year of live-in relation married here in Australia. Took me a while to convince my parents for the decision. Since beginning she has anger issues and I have tries too many times to get a divorce or separation. She gets angry on trivial issue (at-least seems to me). Once I accidentally left my socks with her laundry and we fought for all day. Last 5 years was really rough. I lost my all friends, relatives in Australia. She is not happy to go out with her friends as she says you are enough for me I don't need anyone else. If I ask to go out with friends of family she stops me by accusing I don't love her, I don't care for her and I always priorities other on top of her. Even if I manage to go out and come late despite informing her always have day long arguments when I come home so I no longer go out without her. It is always me who do maintain lawn, vacuum, mop, dishes, cooking, shopping, taking out bins and so forth. Asked her once to give a hand in house chores but her replay was I am your wife not maid. In terms of finance I never took day off even if I am sick. She sent cash to her parents but I never opposed. (Tried but doesn't work). Recently I ask her that I am going for a drink with my male co-worker. Her response was come home I am finishing work early and can't be home alone. I was so tired of controlling behavior and went for the drink anyway. Since then I am sleeping in different room and not had normal conversation. Last week I tried to behave normal bring her food and had dinner together. She was happy for sometime. On the same night we went to bed but after sometime she wake me up again that how can I fall sleep without making sure she is sleeping or not. She believes I should be with her 24/7 and look after her all the time. Every time I take the initiative she keeps crying and her parents keep emotionally pushing me to stay with her. I have moved out and living separately for one week. I don't know what to do.