Struggling with a decision

[forever2007]

Going through a hugely difficult and confusing time, have been for a while, and I feel that I'm getting pulled in different directions to make a decision. I mean, how do you make a decision on whether or not to separate from your spouse? We have a teenage daughter who doesn't want to be in the same space as her father, and I'm struggling with feeling like I have let her down, and she tells me I've let her down, quite repeatedly. I'm told repeatedly that the situation is my fault, that I have caused it all. This comes from my eldest daughter fairly regularly as well as name calling. She has left the house and is staying with family, but the situation is causing me major stress, and anxiety with my heart constantly racing so much so that I feel that I should probably go to the emergency department to have it checked out. Because of childhood issues (my father was abuse towards my mother which eventually resulted in him being forcefully removed from the house) I shut down when things get hard, I retreat into myself and I find it difficult to speak to people about the issues that should be discussed. To make it even harder everyone provides their opinions on the situation and what I should do. But I'm scared to...pull the plug, I'm scared of disappointing everyone around me which is exactly what I'm doing. I feel like I have abandoned my daughter. I feel like I've failed her. I feel like I can't come back from this. I miss my daughter. The pain I feel within me is unbearable to the point that I need to shut it out by just listening and watching mindless tv shows, things where I don't have to think. I'm scared to make the decision to leave my spouse because where does that leave me. I know that couples separate, it's a fact of life, but it doesn't make it any easier to actually do. Our trouble as a couple has always been how involved his mother is in his life, how much she inserts herself into situations, which took me a long time to come to terms with because I'm not that type of person I guess because of childhood issues where I never shared anything. But watching how my brother shares with our mother I came to realise it's what people do except for me because I don't want to disappoint anyone or make them upset or be judged so I don't share. I never wanted this life for my kids but if I leave the only place I have to go is to my mother's place and how long with that be for? She has preconceived ideas of how things should be, what I should in the situation, but she sees it from the hurt of her situation 30 years ago. I feel anxious all the time now and have taken solace in long baths and showers and being at work. The guilt I feel in my situation is enormous and the panic that sets in every day is unbelievable. Our current family situation is because my spouse called our daughter some names, told her that if she didn't want to live with us she should move out. I had warned him to be careful and not say something he'd regret and now it's all about how he apologised and regrets the words, that our daughter should be able to get over it and move on, that he'd been called worse things when he was a kid - to all these things I said that just because it happened to him doesn't mean he had to repeat it to his kids. All our daughter needed was that nudge, the words of 'you can leave if you want to' and she did. My mother tells me that I should be all about my kids, but I keep telling her that I have two kids. I want (wanted?) to try and see if the situation is resolvable but my spouse cannot seem to speak to me about his feelings or thoughts, tells me he's hurting too but deals with it in his own way. What I'd like to do is put everyone in the same and have them have it out but what does that solve? Nothing. How does one make the decision to leave their spouse? Do you write a pros and cons list? Sorry for the possibly incoherent post but my brain feels a little fried these days and I cannot seem to come out of the fog that seems to be super thick these days.

[Sophie_M]

Hi forever2007,

We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner. It is not an easy decision to make at all and writing down a pros and cons list does sound like a really good start. 

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Family Relatioinships Advice Line on 1800 050 321. They also have some great advice on their website.


Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon.
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Scared]

I cant see how you can possibly sort any of this out when you dont have the mental fitness in the first place.  The situation will only ever seem impossible while your brain is not functioning as it needs to be.   Forget the family for one moment.   What can you do to get clarity and strength back.   Leaving your spouse doesnt mean divorce, it can also mean you leave to get your mental health back.

Going to your mum temporarily or holiday doesnt mean the end but its a beginning of a refreshed new you.  To come back with renewed energy to talk to your spouse.  Maybe the temporary move may jolt your spouse into greater thought of his role in all of this.  But something needs to change and soon otherwise you will get sick and then a downward spiral will get worse not better.  At the moment you sound that you are concerned with everybody except yourself.  What can you do to look after yourself is the question you need to ask.  Maybe if you talked to your mum about staying temporarily and the goals you have in mind for staying there it may be good for you.   There are many people living in abusive situations who dont have a mum to go to so dont waste your opportunities that luck has given you.  I also think your daughter is out of line putting you down.  Maybe today is the time you take the lead and start taking care yourself because this may implode if you dont take action

[therising]

Hi forever2007

My heart goes out to you as you face what feels like such an impossible situation. As Scared mentions, it's time to focus on you.

Not sure if it will help but it took me decades to finally work out that whatever depressing or anxiety inducing situation I'm facing it's typically something that's challenging some aspect of me. While certain situations appear to involve others, it typically comes down to the question 'Who am I being challenged to become in this situation?' or 'What part of myself am I being called to develop at this point in my life?'. Could it be the kind of person who speaks my mind, as opposed to people pleasing or not wanting to rock the boat, perhaps out of fear? Could it be the kind of person who declares 'ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!'? Could it be the kind of person who calls people out on their highly questionable behaviour or maybe someone who demands people begin stepping up and taking responsibility for their behaviour, with no more excuses?

In the wise words of my 21yo old daughter 'Decide where you're going to set the bar'. While she's never tolerated her father's behaviour, she's also never been abusive towards me or used insulting language towards me. Instead, she's used words to wake me up to my husband's behaviour in the past, such as 'You set a low bar for yourself when it comes to what you tolerate from him. You need to raise the bar'. She's actually been an example to me when it comes to how to not tolerate disrespectful behaviour. As a young child my daughter was regarded as cheeky but as she's grown older, developed a filter and become more talented with words, it would be true to say that either way she has expressed intolerance toward what she shouldn't have had to tolerate. Regarding yourself, if you keep quiet so as not to cop abuse from your husband, while also copping abuse from your daughter, you could say you're in the middle of abusive bookends. Either way you're still being abused and shouldn't have to continue a life of abuse beyond childhood. It needs to stop. You need to demand that it stops.

You don't mention the nature of your youngest child. I can't help but wonder what their nature is like and whether they're the only one in the house that offers you a sense of relief. Btw, when it comes to your husband telling you 'That's the way I was raised', I'd be inclined to question 'Hmmm...yes...and how's that working for you?'. Managing a household through oppression and mental abuse, as opposed to an open mind, tends not to work too well.

[forever2007]

All of what you say about taking care of myself first is easier said than done for me, and I think that's because of growing up the way I have with a mother that took care of everyone else before herself - while it may seem a cop-out it's what I know. Being a people pleaser is who I am, the keeper of the peace, I never liked rocking the boat, and the times where I have actually tried to put myself first it has spectacularly backfired and made each situation worse! I know that my daughter is out of line with the attitude and name calling but I can't seem to focus on anything but her feelings at the moment, and what others may expect.
I keep reading and re-reading what you have written and it makes sense, and I am trying to put myself first, but in doing that I need her to come home, I need my husband to put himself in her shoes, I need my mother to look at things from my point of view, I need my MIL to stay out of my life...all these things I have told all of these people but I guess everyone else is better at looking after themselves than I am 😞

[forever2007]

I think my 'keeping quiet' stems from being in a physically abusive household growing up where my father just, well let's just say he was not a nice person. This has affected me to the point that any disagreement that arises anywhere in my life (professional and personal) I just take a step back and say 'whatever'. I feel that no one wants to look at it from my point of view and what I want. But I'm also scared to ...make a decision either way.

[therising]

Hi forever2007

A mother's love for their child is a strange thing at times. It's like your kids can say what they want, gut you in the process and (after having recovered) you can go on to think 'I need to make some difference to them. I know they're suffering in some way'. It's my love for my kids that led me to define 'love' (in my own mind and personal opinion). I believe love is found in evolution. I can recall thinking 'Why do I love my kids pretty much more than anyone else?'. It's largely based on my passion when it comes to wanting them to evolve, including them evolving through their pain, their challenges, their joys and triumphs etc. I admit it's a little selfish too. As long as they're not suffering, I'm not suffering partially through feeling their sufferance. After experiencing such revelations, I eventually hit on the revelation that self love is about personal evolution. So, how to evolve through my own pain, my own challenges, my own joys and triumphs?

What our parents indirectly teach us is something that typically becomes clear only through hindsight. What your mum taught you, what your husband's dad taught him, what my parents taught me can leave us all announcing 'No wonder I think and behave in the ways that I do. I've been led to think and behave in such ways. I've been taught or conditioned to think and behave in such ways'. Unlearning can be a seriously tough process, to say the least. I feel the way it's all meant to go is 'I will sift out all the good stuff from my parents' teachings, then I will add my own good stuff and then pass the combo on to my kids. Then they will do the same, sift out the good, add their stuff and pass it all on to their kids. Eventually, some lucky generation will only face everything that's good. That generation will have no idea of just how much work has gone into their sense of everything good, all the evolving that had to be done through generations before them. I figure, in the process, I have a responsibility to sift and to change so that I'm not passing on all the not so constructive things that have come before me.

I was never taught how to be fearless, never taught how to not care about what people thought of me, never taught techniques for opening my mind, never taught how to not be a people pleaser, never taught to be a risk taker, constructively confrontational or challenging and the list goes on. I don't blame my parents, not at all. They faced their own challenges from day one in their lives, which included some massive challenges that shaped them. I think it's just about making sense of why we can struggle at times, especially when certain facets of us haven't been brought to life and developed or exercised. It's only in the last handful of years (in my early 50s) that I've come to develop and exercise the intolerant part of me. While I'm still learning how to channel it in really constructive ways, when I do manage to channel or tap into that part of me, I find it to be upstanding, fearless, intolerant of anything I shouldn't have to tolerate from people and if I gave that part of me a voice I imagine it would say to the people pleaser in me on occasion 'YOU, take a back seat. I'm driving this woman'. The intolerant part of us can definitely create a much needed sense of drive. Btw, this part of us is often not going to win us any popularity contests. If anything, it's going to earn us some not so nice labels. I smile when I say the intolerant cow in me wears those labels with pride. She's a definite boat rocker when it comes to relationships ⛵🐄😁

[forever2007]

I agree that a mother's love for her children is a strange thing at times. I think any decision is harder when you have two children (or more) all with different personalities and reactions and what might be the 'right thing' to do for one could be totally 'wrong' for another.

[forever2007]

I agree that my daughter is out of line putting me down, but I also know that she's hurting, so deeply hurting, and while I know that I am too this part of the situation is what's causing me the most pain. Focusing on me is really hard, case in point is focusing on myself last weekend is what sent me to present to the emergency department with chest pains, heart palpitations, dizziness, and after having all the scans, x-rays, blood tests was told that everything was 'normal' - except for 'slightly elevated blood pressure. The panic had set in and my brain just kind of shut down with rational thought and was just trying to work out what was going on. I joked with the nurses that the emergency department was the most relaxing place I'd found myself (we laughed). A sudden thought hit me today though where I wondered whether what I was experiencing was a broken heart over my daughter in a way rejecting me. Is that possible?

[therising]

Hi forever2007

100% agree with what could be the right thing for one of our kids could be the wrong thing for the other. Can be incredibly tough for everyone involved when we're trying to work out what suits each individual learning style in relation to forms of guidance and life's lessons. Having to better understand our self and develop our self in the process, so as to serve our kids, tends to add to the complexity.

I feel for you so much, with you having felt so overwhelmed to the point that it led you to have to go to the emergency department. I think we don't necessarily feel the full emergence or emergency of a growing wave of emotion until it comes like a tsunami. Trying to gain a sense of what it's all about, that enormous wave, can be such a challenge. If you get a sense that it's partly grief related, that's a good start (when it comes to making sense of it). Could be a whole lot of mixed emotions in that wave. Perhaps some grief mixed with overwhelm mixed with stress mixed with a sense of feeling lost mixed with a desperate need for guidance mixed with a sense of a serious need for change and a whole lot of other things. A single emotion can be challenging enough. Mixed emotions can leave us feeling like we're drowning in some way. 'Coming to our senses' (aka 'gaining a better feel for exactly what it is that we're sensing') can require a heightened and strategic form of sensitivity. Finding someone who can help us better tap into our emotions and explore them can be one way of managing.

While I've managed periods in depression since my late teens (long term and short term), anxiety was something new to me in 2022. While trying to cope with multiple challenges, including a part time job, I just couldn't manage everything anymore. I was forced to serve myself in some way. The decision to take a year off work to focus on challenges was how I came to serve myself, freeing up some time. Becoming a single income family again was not an easy decision to make, far from it. There was a sense of guilt to work through. I'll never forget the advice my manager gave me when I handed in my resignation. It was based on her own experience with anxiety. She said 'It's important to listen to anxiety and not ignore it because it can be telling you 'Something has got to change''. Sometime the need for change can develop into an emergency situation. Our emotions are no longer simply telling us, they're now screaming at us. 'Where to start that change?' or 'How to start it?' become the questions.