How to get over a guy..

April30 · ‎06-10-2019

Im friends with this guy and I really like him as more than friends, but I know we could never work out together, and that hurts me so much but I can't get myself to get over him.. I've heard the only way to get over a guy is to just stop talking to or having anything to do with them. But I don't want to lose the friendship.. So I don't want to do that.. But this is hurting me so much..

But is that the only way to get yourself to move on?

Loco23 · ‎08-10-2019

Different people work in different ways. The 'cold turkey' method definitely works for me.The way these situations usually go for me is I tell a girl that I like her... if she rejects me, I try to continue being friends. If I find that to be too hard, I explain to them that I really value the friendship but my feelings wont go away, therefore I think time apart will help. The first few days/ weeks are rough... Am i making the right decision? Maybe we can still be friends? I try to push all that out. After about a month though, I realise my feelings have somewhat subsided and I get a satisfaction from overcoming the challenge. There's also a good feeling in that I took hold of the bad situation and I dealt with it.

This might not work for you but it might be worth a try if nothing else seems to work.

All the best.

MissBenthos · ‎08-10-2019

Hi everyone,

Friends are platonic. Do you really want to be friends with this person? Lying to yourself is one of the most damaging things you can do - I know from experience. What is it about this person that has you so hooked on them? Do they represent some type of escape from yourself? Do you want to be more like them? Are you dreaming of possibilities instead of looking at what is? It's time to focus on yourself, find and work on the best version of you.

April30, my suggestion would be to let him know how you feel but also step away from the friendship while he considers options, make sure he understands why you can't be friends right now so he can respect your boundaries. This will allow him to pursue you if he wants the same thing or give you space to move on. If he only wants friendship you will have the space away from him (make sure you create that space - no social media stalking or occasional contact) to potentially come back to something platonic in the future, after - and only after - you have moved on. Do not let him sit somewhere in between with excuses, it's relationship or break, a good boyfriend/true friend will respect your needs. It's not easy by any means, but setting up boundaries like this are going to help you move forward. You don't have to take this method, however, I believe it will give you the most clarity around the situation.

Good luck xoxox

April30 · ‎08-10-2019

Thanks everyone for your advice. So good to be able to talk to people..

Thanks IsaJett, Haha yeah true about pride and ego just getting in the way of life.. I'm always stuck between going stuff it just say /do whatever cause you never know how much time anyone has left, or knowing if that's really the right thing to do or not..

Haha it just does my head in cause I feel to much an I kinda just wish I didn't have any... Cause I hate having to try not feel them or let them out..

And that is true I'd rather have him stay in my life as a friend then to cut him out.. But that's the one thing I worry with if I told him about my feelings is what if he gets weird about it an it ends the friendship anyways..

Thanks, I need to learn to embrace my depression too haha..

Good on ya with your YouTube channel. It does look fun haha.. I've always been way too awkward to dance but yeah maybe I'll try in my bedroom so no one can see me 😂

And thanks again, really appreciate you replying

April30 · ‎08-10-2019

Thanks MissBenthos,

That is true.... And as much as I don't want to do that, you could be right.... I will actually be moving states at the end of the year so guess that'll force some space.. The thing thats making it more complicated for me to decide what to do though is that I know we can't really work out as more than friends. So just trying to decide whether to stay friends with him an try deal with all these feelings for him that I have (which isn't going very well) or if yeah, explaining to him that I really like him, but know we can't work out so I'm gonna need some space for a while.. Cause that's the thing I want to tell him I like him to get it off my chest, but then I think well is there any point cause if he happens to like me back, we can't work out anyway so is that really helping anything.. But I guess things would be more clear then and maybe it's better to have the feelings out anyway. And if he doesn't like me back an it gets weird then I guess it'll hurt even worse for a while but probably eventually help me move on..

Too many decisions, I hate making decisions haha.. Especially ones like this where there isnt necessarily a right or wrong thing to do, but whatever you choose does have a big impact on your life.. So hard..

MissBenthos · ‎08-10-2019

May I ask what the reason you can't be more than friends is?

April30 · ‎08-10-2019

Well um he's 12 years older than me.. (😳it's embarrassing an I know it sounds weird for me to like someone that much older.... 😕) and as much as I like him I just think that's too much of an age gap.. Also I am a Christian and I don't think he is, and the Bible says not to marry non Christians...

I don't even really know why I like him, but I just really do.. It sucks..

But then the other thing is I don't know but sometimes I get the feeling he just sees me as a little sister anyway. (Which to be honest is fine with me, and probably for the best since I don't think we can't work out). Cause like twice now he's asked if I have a boyfriend (I've never had one in my life) and he said to let him know when I get one so he can go bash him up.. And I know he cares about me, but yeah I don't think it's in the 'I love you' way.....

Chickem100 · ‎08-10-2019

Hi April30,

That's interesting you say that about the little sister thing, for me that indicates that he see's you as a good friend who he cares deeply for but only as a friend. I say this because I've been referred to as a "Big Brother" which made it very clear the relationship we had. Now this isn't gospel by any length, just my point of view as it struck a chord. As for the age gap, I don't necessarily think that's a huge problem, if 2 people connect in any way, then age is just a number.

MissBenthos · ‎08-10-2019

I don't think that's weird. It could add extra bumps to a relationship but it is possible to have age gap relationships. I'm not really sure how to respond to the religious aspect as my perspective is not a religious one. I believe that a relationship does not have to be traditional, life-long, marriage and children to be a successful relationship. If it conflicts with your beliefs though that does add another layer of complexity and you need to do what feels right for you without cognitive dissonance if possible. Is there someone in your church you could talk to about it?

IsaJett · ‎08-10-2019

Hi april ..yeah be awesome if you try the dance at home...hahha the music must be loud though...otherwise it wont work ...and then you got to work the mirror ..hahahah like a rockstar .

He sounds like a nice person so I dont think your feelings would freak him out . I mean if i were him ..I be flattered that someone likes me ..haha. I know of no one ...that dont want to be loved and cared for as a friend . I’m saying bring it on ...hahah

Dont overthink it ...when you tell him how you feel ...you will feel way better . I remember I had the same thing too....but when it came out ...it was so awesome ..I did it more for myself . And he was a little taken a back but i think he was secretly flattered but in all honesty ...his reaction will be his own responsibility and not yours.

So you just do whatever feels right and good to you and he will do whatever feels right and good to him . And everyone is happy .

You just be ok with whatever his reactions ....dont have any expectations . All you want to do is tell him how you feel ...thats it.

I really did it because I simply couldn’t hold it in ...hahah those strong feelings ...but I was just so happy . Spread the love I say .

My guy and I have a huge age gap too and it works and really chickenm100 is right ...it is the connection between two people that will determine the success.

You know even if a guy was a right age etc ...it might not exactly work out . So age isnt really the deal breaker ...but that is my personal opinion . I know of many people in my circle that has huge gaps and it works .

Good luck with it ...and start dancing ...cos its fun

keep writing April 😉

April30 · ‎09-10-2019

Hey Chickem100,

Well yeah I mean I don't know for sure if he does see me like that, but it's the feeling I get sometimes from how he acts an what he says an stuff.. I just want to be able to tell him I like him without it being weird haha.. Wish I could just like say 'I really like you but I know we probably couldn't work out so can I just adopt you as my big brother instead?' haha...

But that's true about age gaps I guess..😕