How to get over a guy..

April30 · ‎06-10-2019

Im friends with this guy and I really like him as more than friends, but I know we could never work out together, and that hurts me so much but I can't get myself to get over him.. I've heard the only way to get over a guy is to just stop talking to or having anything to do with them. But I don't want to lose the friendship.. So I don't want to do that.. But this is hurting me so much..

But is that the only way to get yourself to move on?

April30 · ‎09-10-2019

Hey IsaJett,

Look, I'll give the dancing a try aye👍😂.

Yeah he is nice. So hopefully he wouldn't freak out haha.. I feel like he's gotta have figured that I like him already anyways.. But then I dunno cause he can never seem to take a hint about anything so many not..

Thanks for all the advice for telling him.. Think the hardest part for me would be being OK with it if he reaction wasn't good haha... 😬

But Hopefully maybe sometime I'll be brave enough to just tell him haha...

Yeah haha I get you about not being able to hold the feelings in haha. It's killing me having to hold them in.. I hate having to hold all this love in!!!

I'm kinda glad to hear you and your guy have a big age gap too.. I just worry cause so many people seem to think bigger age gaps are real weird.. But yeah that's true about someone being the 'right' age doesn't mean it'll work either..

April30 · ‎01-12-2019

So I ended up telling him I like him.. And he was all good about it an didn't go weird thank goodness cause I was so worried it'd get real awkward between us. But he didn't say he likes me back.. So yeah I'm guessing that's means he doesn't. Which like obviously he doesn't have to. An like it was so good at the time to get it off my chest and tell him, but now I'm still stuck cause I hate loving someone when like I can't show them/love them like that? If that makes sense? It just kills me that I love him so much but know he doesn't feel the same about me. Like yeah I know he cares about me, but it's not the same.. And I don't know what to do now and I keep worrying that I shouldn't have told him cause I've just been feeling so much worse about it all.. But then I probably would have felt this bad anyway just with not knowing for sure.. I don't know.. But it's just all killing me inside.. I wish he liked me back😭

MissBenthos · ‎02-12-2019

Hi April,

What was his response when you told him? Did he say anything?

I stand by my original response in that if he does only want something platonic you need to allow yourself space to move on. Don't allow him to sit somewhere ambiguously in between, you need to know exactly what he wants. Clarify with him what he wants from the relationship and listen to the logical side of yourself rather than the emotional. Your gut knows best.

April30 · ‎02-12-2019

Well when I told him I said like that hopefully he already figured I liked him or I regret my life... And he said I should never regret my feelings. And that my secrets safe with him. But that was pretty much all he said about it.

But yeah so now I don't know what to do cause I get what you're saying.. But I don't want to lose him an even though I know i need to move on, I feel like that means losing him which I don't want to do😢 But yeah I probably should talk to him about it. I'm just really bad at talking about this kinda stuff cause I get too anxious to say anything. But also from what he'd been saying before I told him I liked him, it did seem more like he just saw me like a little sister.. But yeah I still feel like I don't know where I stand with him...

MissBenthos · ‎02-12-2019

It's hard to say because I don't know all the details of the situation but I get the feeling that it's not right for him to be leading you on by being unclear, especially if he does care for you. Please don't allow him to use you like that, even if he doesn't have bad intentions it's a pretty selfish move to keep you around for his own ego boost without going forward with a relationship or giving you the clarity you need around the situation.

Take care April. I'll be around if you want to continue chatting or need more support through this 🙂

April30 · ‎07-12-2019

Well yeah.. Mostly though he isn't really putting any effort in so it's more just me leading myself on. He is a good friend to me when I need him, but yeah like what you were saying earlier about it I feel like if I didn't ask him to hang out, he probably wouldn't ask me. Or at least not for a fair while.. I probably have just looked past obvious stuff cause I wished he'd like me. But it was confusing with stuff he's so is and how he gives me really long hugs and kisses me on the forehead.. But I guess I just have to look at the facts and that even though he is always busy cause he's just focused on his work all the time, if he wanted to put the effort in, he would..

But then I just don't know.. And when I told him I liked him, he'd said all this stuff just before I'd said it about like how he'd protect me from jerks and pervs an any guys that'd take advantage of me. An I'd said like sounds good an I'm so glad he exists. An then he said like he isn't that great and all this other stuff and he said to me that 'you don't want a guy like me cutie'.. And I kinda felt like he felt he wasn't good enough for me or something.. So I don't know if that's part of the reason he's not trying to go forward with the relationship.. I don't know.. Or obviously he could just plain not like me that way. I don't know what his reasons are.. I want to just ask him but I'm scared to annoy him.. An I don't know if I really want the answer since I figure he probably just doesn't like me that way..

Thank you for being there to talk to. I really appreciate it.

MissBenthos · ‎07-12-2019

There's a couple red flags here.

1. He pretty much told you he's not good enough for you. It might seem romantic that he's trying to protect you from something. It's not. It's very telling that a relationship with him might not be as glamorous as you're imagining. It makes me wonder about the age gap too, is there something he has at his age that seems impressive to you? For example: a 15 year old might look up to a 17 year old who has a car license.

2. Not reciprocating the chasing you. What happens when you stop planning time together? If you guys were to be in a relationship would he even make dates for the both of you? Would you have to do everything for him? That sounds tiring! A healthy relationship requires input from both parties.

In my experience, no amount of advice saved me from going after a bad relationship. I wanted to follow my heart and I did. It went on for a few months before the red flags were too bright to ignore anymore. It was sooo hard to do the one thing I didn't want - ending things and cutting all contact with him. I am better for it though and now know what I don't want in a relationship.

If you do end up following your heart, keep your logical mind open and be careful.

April30 · ‎07-12-2019

I don't want him to think he's not good enough though.. 😞 and no honestly I would very much rather not have a big age gap.. So liking him has nothing to do with anything he has or anythung like that.

And yeah I don't want to be with someone who is that much older and also doesn't put any effort in. So I wish I didn't like him but I really really do..

I don't really know why I like him.. We used to work together (only for like 6 months) and the work environment was not good at all, and he just like became my safe person like I felt like as long as he was there it'd be alright. And I'm a very shy/quiet person and no one would hardly talk to me but he would and he made me feel good about myself. An I'm like real awkward and bad at talking but he just always accepts me for me. Like I seriously got no clue why he even hangs out with me, that in itself I think is kinda strange that he'd even hang out with me..

But yeah sometimes I do think he probably just sees me as a little sister.. Cause the age gap and all that..

but yeah I don't want to be the one putting all the effort in.. It just sucks the way life works things out. I wish he and I could just be together and it all be fine.. But yeah... Don't really see that happening 😭

I think my head knows I just need to stop and let him and my wishes go. But my heart doesn't want to.. So I'm stuck in the middle stressing my head off an making myself sick..

MissBenthos · ‎08-12-2019

None of us want to see someone we care for feeling not good enough, we just have to remember we can't change that for them, we can't fix anyone but our self.

Figuring that he makes you feel safe is some good introspection. Can you think of some ways that you can make yourself feel safe? You can be a quiet person and still be a very strong person. Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself?

I'm not a big talker myself so I try to have questions for people I meet to start the conversation. I also prefer to be actively doing something with someone like playing a game or going for a walk so we aren't pressured to be talking every second, then conversation naturally comes up around what we are doing. Not everyone will be a good fit for conversation with me, but that's ok.

Just a couple of days ago I was trying to explain something to someone in the same shop as me, my words didn't come out great but instead of thanking me for letting her know she came back with a patronising "yes, it's confusing isn't it". A younger version of me would have been totally embarrassed by that and beat myself up over not being able to explain perfectly. Now, I know I did the right thing by letting her know, how she chooses to respond isn't my fault.