HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

[Mark h]

Good afternoon everyone.

I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.

My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.

We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:

• My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
• In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???

I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.

Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.

[Guest_1584]

Just a little side note.

Mensline is actually a counseling line , you can talk about anything you need too and get advice.

But yeah your spot on too em , legals in things like this at these times are very very important too op and as gut wrenching as it all is , when your up to it it'd be a really good idea to call and just talk to them too.

[Mark h]

Thanks to all of you that have replied, it truly means so much to know that I have support through this. You have taken your time to respond...it's actually amazing to know that people do care.

I actually feel that maybe my wife is going through some kind of crisis in some way. Last night (just 24 hours after me knowing all about this other relationship) she texts me to tell me that she is watching a movie called 'The Dry'...I didn't quite know what to say so I didn't respond. It made no sense at all to me.

On Monday, I just wanted to sell our house, find a new place to live and move on but now, I think my rational side says to sit on this, wait, make small decisions everyday and look after myself. I don't think I am in any fit state to make BIG decisions right now but as for a new life, it is time to build this from the ground up. It's bloody hard, I am getting NO sleep and have very little interest in food right now but I know this will change.

It's also the fact that she is having botox, filler, hair extensions etc to change her appearance. She is 49 and whilst taking pride in yourself is a great thing, trying to make yourself look like you are in your 20's again just doesn't seem to make any sense to me.

I am going to start making some calls today and I am going to just be kind to myself. Let everything else play it's course behind me...I can't control or change what has been done but I do need my next however many years to be happy. No more control, no more not saying what I feel because of fear of conflict, no more second guessing where she goes all the time. I have two amazing boys and I will be there for them I think they are both hoping that we will end up getting back together...it's very sad.

I cannot thank you enough and if it is ok, I will keep posting on here as things happen just to get feedback and advice from those that want to help. It means so much to me...all of you are helping a complete stranger and I hope I can repay this back to others in the same boat as me by sharing my experience in growing and healing. Not yet...I have a LOT of work ahead of me it seems.

MH

[Guest_1584]

Well l was gonna say it in my last post but l decided not to bring it up.

MLC mate sorry , l'd put 100 on it. Midlifing.

Sorry my friend. rx

[Mark h]

Hi everyone AGAIN.

OK, it’s now been confirmed. My wife has admitted having an affair with this man which first started 10 years ago in his house whilst his wife was working and his two children were sleeping. This mans wife told me all of the details after her husband admitted everything. I called my wife who confirmed everything. She claims it was only once but I do not believe that at all!

I was made to feel like my marriage failure was all my fault. So many years of having this kept from me.

Help.

Mark

[Summer Rose]

Oh, Mark.

There is just too much to process. You must be so hurt, confused and angry. I’m so sorry, mate.

At least you are getting a better understanding of what’s really going on. As hurtful as it is, you can now release any guilt you might have been feeling over the breakdown of your relationship.

Your wife’s behaviour—the affair, the long term deception, the current lies—is so very disappointing and intolerable.

She has to own it. You’ve done nothing wrong and seem such a kind and caring person, you just don’t deserve this.

How are you feeling? Are you safe?

Kind thoughts to you

[CMF]

Hi Mark,

I read the begining of your thread and had thoughts to share, however I then jumped to your more recent ones and they sort of answered my thoughts. I'm so sorry about what you've discovered. My partner was in a similar situation with his ex wife.

I hope being a part of the forums helps you Mark. There is so much support and understanding here.

Please reach out whenever you need.

Take care

Cmf.

[geoff]

Hello Mark, I'm pleased this other lady has disclosed what's been happening and for your wife to say it only happened once in 10 years, believe it or not, but there are possibly two marriages that have been affected.

Mark, I'm sorry, but you can't automatically believe it was your fault, sometimes we have a relationship or marry someone who has itchy feet and no matter how hard you tried to please her, it still might not be enough, don't blame yourself and begin building the strength you need.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mark h]

Hi Summer Rose

Thank you for your kind words. I just feel so numb right now. Too many emotions and stress. I just feel overwhelmed to be honest. I am safe.

I just feel like running away. Getting on a plane and not come back but I have two boys here that I need to be present for.

I’ve blamed myself for this separation for 4 months now. The wife of this man texting me, the denying she slept with him and then being told that she did and her admiring that is just so hard. What a week.

At this moment I don’t know which way to turn. The marriage is obviously over so maybe it’s just time now.

appreciate your time and thoughts so much.

Mark

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mark

I’m so glad you’re safe.

I understand that you don’t know “which way to turn”. When I try and put myself in your shoes, I know that I would feel the same. Hopefully this will become a bit clearer over time and through sessions with your psychologist.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You need time to think and come to terms with what you now know about your wife. You don’t have to have all the answers today. You don’t have to make decisions today. Take the pressure off. Breathe deeply.

Short term, I think Sunday could be a hard day for you all. If the boys are seeing their mum, maybe you could reach out to a friend for company. Or plan something—a home project or hike—to keep you busy. Sometimes when our bodies are busy our minds give us a break.

I would also like to gently suggest that this is when you really need to focus on what you have, and not what you don’t have.

You have two great boys that need and love you. You have friends and the school community. You have the bb community. All of these facets of your life will help get you through this. You are not alone.

You also have a home and a business. Both of these assets need to be protected to ensure a fair distribution, if and when the time comes.

I know you have always thought about your family’s best interests and put your family first—including your wife. Perhaps now is the time to shift your thinking.

I would encourage you to run all decisions, all actions, through a prism of, what’s best for me and the boys? You still retain your integrity of course, but you unreservedly put yourself first.

Kind thoughts to you

[Mark h]

Thanks Summer Rose

That all makes sense to me. I really appreciate everything that all of you are doing in posting a reply to me.

My wife and I sat down today and we have both agreed to end the relationship. It's deeply sad, deeply empty right now but I hope things will now start to heal and get better for both of us. I still want her in my life believe it or not but it isn't to be. No fixing what has happened. The hardest part now is going to be living in the house that once had her in it. We've owned this property for over 20 years and so there are so many memories that I can't seem to get rid of. I could sell, but the home is amazing and we have put everything into making it something that is very special. The other issue I face is that it is the family home for my two boys and my eldest son who is 18 years old has just moved in with his partner to see if they can live together before eventually moving out maybe next year. Maybe the memories will subside over time or I will learn to live with them...it's all very up in the air.

I have no idea why I today feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am out at sea stranded. I have come into work this afternoon and have my dog here to keep me company which is good. How any of this makes sense is beyond belief.

Again, I cannot thank this community enough for their support and wisdom. Your time and advice when everything is very dark right now is always appreciated.

Mark