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HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

Mark h
Community Member

Good afternoon everyone.

I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.

My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.

We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:

  • My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
  • In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???

I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.

Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.

43 Replies 43

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Mark

As difficult as it is, you sound really clear, positive and strong. Thank you for letting us know how you’re feeling.

kind thoughts to you

Hi Mark , and l'm very sorry for what your going through.

There's very obviously the many double standards coming from her going on and keeping her bread buttered on both sides as back up until it's convenient for her to otherwise. And as you know she's been working things and her new life on the side it's all text book pre leaving and now after leaving. Even to you offering to move out earlier , she loses her control , loses her baby sitter, loses her option to still move out and be the one making the choice or change her mind, many sides to just that one alone. Def' don't try to get her back or give her that power and ego boost, it's just a really bad look and cause and effect all across the board and for you personally especially too. Really pleased for you though that your basically feeling strong and positive and knowing your ok in moving on if it has to be that way. l know as well as anyone how heartbreaking it is whomever s the choice was, the out comes still the same and still such a sad and huge thing for a family and marriage.

l think it's a really wise move not jumping into anything else, so many do or rebound grabbing the first hand and body they can get hold of. But you see so much of a mess in it all for those later on , how many times l've seen that. To my mind and observation they def' seem to come out the worse for it later on that can then go on for yrs and yrs later. l think your on the right track with looking after yourself first and finding your feet and life again, and sorting out the mess this leaves first.` But eh , the best version of yourself might be asking a bit much right now , go easy on yourself l'd say , very , well l certainly did anyway, and try to enjoy anything you can or feel up to too that comes your way too, treat yourself .

Take care , rx

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Mark, we can still love someone but that love may not be reciprocated and only transferred as a caring feeling, which may not be strong for any marriage or relationship to continue.

I loved my ex but at that time she cared for me, however, eventually she just wanted to go her own way and there was nothing I could do to keep her, even if my depression and self medicating on alcohol had all stopped, didn't mean that the next few weeks, months etc were going to be perfect, simply because there were other issues that may or may not have been sorted out.

We talk quite regularly but I'm sure we couldn't live together again, I, as well as she, have our own traits we may not be able to overcome or simply don't want to move on from, so it is a tearful situation and it took me a little while to understand that now I was b myself.

Take care.

Geoff.

Mark h
Community Member

Hello to you all that replied to my messages.

I have some closure on my situation now but it would be good to hear from you with any advice and support right now.

Yesterday, I received a text message from a lady who told me to speak with my wife and keep her away from her husband. I have since found out that my wife has been seeing this man who she used to date when she was a teenager. According to the lady, this has been going on for 10 years or so. My wife claims it's just been a friendship but that she is attracted to him. It's just a huge blow.

Moving on seems near impossible. I am crushed, angry, hurt, sad, numb and all of the other emotions. She also said that she still loves me but she's not 'in love' with me.

Very sad. Not sure what else to say.

M

Hi Mark h, 

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and that you have been dealing with this for so long. We hope that you can gain some closure as you say at the start of your post. We think that you have shown great courage in coming back to the forums and sharing your update with us. 

If you ever feel like talking to someone about how you are feeling you can always call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 and speak to one of our wonderful cousellors. They are kind and understanding people who can help when you are feeling low. 

Please feel free to continue to reach out to the forums for support. As I hope you have found our community is made up of caring and empathetic individuals. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

Mark h
Community Member

Thanks Sophie

I might just do that to be honest. I do have a Psychologist that I speak with every few weeks and she is amazing. Right now though, it's good to just talk with people who can help me navigate what is only 24 hours old and also gain different opinions from the community.

Still very raw. Just trying to pick up the pieces right now. Thanks for everything you do to help others in need.

Mark

Of course op horrible news for you.

Mate mens line is very good , there are a few women counselors in it too which l'm not sure why bc l know l for one wanted to speak with men . But you can ask for one of the guys if that pops up and you'd prefer.

Free to call any time day or night, they helped me to no end when you get the right person and were my main people actually. l swear if l ever get rich l'm donating a few million to them.

So sorry though anyway man , try to look after yourself eh. rx

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Mark

I’m really sorry to hear about your wife’s interest in her old flame. No way to know for sure what their relationship is or how long it’s been going on, as I don’t believe your wife is being honest with you.

I can only imagine how hurt you are feeling. I don’t believe you have done anything “wrong”, I think it’s more about her.

It sounds like your wife’s chasing a memory, a feeling that she had a long time ago. The excitement of something new, the thumping of your heart just thinking about the other person, the longing for time together. Trouble is, it’s always temporary.

I’ve been married 30 years. And there’s something that happens over time in a long term marriage. That feeling fades and it’s replaced by deep friendship, unconditional love and forgiveness, warm enduring comfort and shared memories.

It just happens. And I believe it happens to us all.

Personally, I wouldn’t trade this stage of married life for anything. This might not be much consolation but I think your wife is going to regret what she’s doing.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to influence the situation. I think this just needs to run its course.

You just have to focus on you and staying healthy.

Kind thoughts to you

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Mark h,

That's a huge kick in the guts to take. I'm really sorry.

Those feelings you're going through would most likely include deep betrayal and it hurts, badly.

You did nothing to deserve this. This kind of stuff is 100% on the other party.

I agree with rx 100%. Contacting the Men's Legal Service is your go to right now. On a side note, I also agree that it should be staffed with Men only, the whole distrust in the moment of the other sex can be bewildering... that could be a suggestion rx.
Same for the Women's Legal Service, they were sterling in their legal advice and ongoing support for me and my children and situation.
I could not fault them at all!
Please call asap.

For sure I KNOW this time as I went through similar, you can feel tumbling with emotions and Sophie has given you some sound advice too re: your MH right now...

I know it's hard.

I think I suggested this before but you need to get your legal ducks in a row ASAP like yesterday.
If exW has been up to whatever, then she's WAY ahead of knowing what she wants to do next.

And what she does with her life at all in the future is totally up to her.
She is not your concern, besides resolving this in a very fair way for you, the sooner you bring your focus into line with YOU and YOUR LIFE from this moment forward, the better bolstered you will be for your future.

The best revenge is living your best life.
As emotional as this situation has the potential to be, it's your RATIONAL side that needs to win over your emotions.
Making STRONG rational decisions instead of reacting to emotions will see you through.

We're here for you.

EMxxxx

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Mark, I'm truly sorry along with those above me, because the lady who contacted you must be in the same position as you and definitely worried about what's been happening for 10 years.

If it was only a friendship then why should it be hidden, this lady seems as though she wants to hold her marriage together, for herself and also for their children, if they have any.

We empathise with you, Mark, and perhaps, this is only a suggestion, are you able to talk with this lady, then you might learn what she has seen and what she knows is actually happening, then you can see what sort of position you're in.

Take care.

Geoff.