HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

[Mark h]

Good afternoon everyone.

I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.

My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.

We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:

• My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
• In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???

I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.

Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.

[ecomama]

Hey Mark

Any "dalliances" our ex spouses made choices to have during our marriages is 100% on them.

Don't you let anyone force responsibility on you.
That's pure bs.

I could NEVER imagine me choosing to go off and have sex with someone and then pin it on my SPOUSE, omg how ridiculous.

I'm not sure "where" you're at with all this right now, but Google searching behaviours of cheating spouses will hopefully bring up the 8 or so text book behaviours of most of them.
"Blame shifting" is a pearler!

Flick that blame right back to exactly where it belongs, with the cheater, not with the faithful spouse.

I know you may not feel very strong right now.
Don't let this time take advantage of you - more like your exW taking advantage as per.
Sorry I misread the Men's helpline (sorry rx too!) but from how I've seen things play out in other dissolutions of marriage when one partner is betraying the other.... the betrayal often goes far further than the bedroom.

I really hope you both can dissolve this thoughtfully regarding the children and each other, but nothing is wasted at all in getting sound Legal advice from a Qualified Family Lawyer.
Men's Legal service can give you this for free.
So can Law Access, if she hasn't already contacted them and conflicted you out.

Choose an EXCELLENT local Family Law firm and just book in the free 30 minute spiel.
THIS action conflicts exW out of using this firm later on.
I hope you DO find one easily!

If exW has ever seen any Family Lawyers, even for the free 30 minutes, YOU are conflicted out of ever using them any time in the future, regardless of whom exW chooses.

You will need a Family Lawyer to sign off on documents at some point.

Last but definitely not least, I feel for your beautiful boys too.
This is a very destabilising time for children, at ANY age.
It's very difficult to "be there" for them whilst you are reeling also (and exW is busy getting plastic adjustments on herself - shame).

If you leave some MH Help line numbers on the fridge, they may feel the need to call and get some objective support.

You are welcome to always use this forum, now, later and later still!

Ofcourse we care about you. You are WORTHY of being cared for and supported.
Hugs!

EMxxxx

[Mark h]

Hello to all of you wonderful Beyond Blue people. I hope you are keeping well.

It's been 3 weeks since my last post so I wanted to drop in and say that I am fine and am facing this new future with some positive steps. It's been a ver tough first half of the year for sure but I am hoping that this second half will bring some clarity along with new opportunities. I have been seeing an amazing Life Coach in Melbourne who has really been helping me. He along with my counselled have made a big impact on how I should be proceeding right now.

I wanted to ask your thoughts on a question which I think I already know the answer to. The reason I am asking is to have clarity from outside people who I trust and have got to know through this forum.

As you know my wife and I have separated. Long story but for those that don't know, please review my previous threads. Both my separated partner and I work in our own home business which is something that has been 18 years in the making. I am the sole director of the company but I sat down with my ex partner yesterday and tried to explain that 'working together' is emotionally taking its toll on me. We work remotely from each other however we talk 2-4 times a day as well as via emails etc. The way we communicate now is very different and normal I think for separated couples however for me, I don't see how this working relationship can continue. My main reason is that I still love this lady and have tried repeatedly to see if there is any way that we can resolve our past issues and reconcile to find a new normal at this time with a hope that one day in the future we may be stronger than before. Unfortunately, I have now exhausted any hope but at least I have tried to reconcile. I am just met with the same line of 'I really need my space right now' even though it's been 6 months since our separation.

I feel that for the working relationship to be successful, either both parties need to be working together to try and fix the personal relationship OR both parties have equally decided to end the marriage for whatever circumstance meaning that they are on the same page. I don't see how I can make this work being still in love with my ex but with NO reciprocation back. I'm willing to forget the past, start a fresh, get help from counselling but there is no way my ex is willing or wanting to entertain this idea. She has told me that we are friends but that is all.

Your thoughts? Am I being too harsh here or does it make sense?

[ecomama]

Hey Mark h, I'm glad you've been seeing some people that are helping you see things in a more positive light.

There's no doubt the road has been REALLY tough.
There are no promises it will get easier for a while yet.

I'm just going to go all out and give you my frank and honest view of things.
You ofcourse know far better than ME, being YOUR life and 100% your decision.
So I'll drop this penny and you can pick it up if you want.

It's pretty obvious to me that exW is playing things the way she chooses.
For whatever reasons, she's delaying things, maybe to see if the grass is greener and if it's not, you're sitting back there on the back burner to take right up again. Second fiddle as it seems.

Her actions are showing you 100% that she is NOT interested in reconciliation.
Please do not send her messages that reflect this ie harping on needing to reconcile.
Please never use this as a "bribe" type conversation in any way.
I don't want to see you next being accused of any form of DV, messages can be used to demonstrate this.

SO... since she's not reconciling, I'd wait the full year to the day (not sure if you have a FIRM separation date yet? You'll need this for the Divorce application).
Then ON THE DAY of one full year I would send my completed Divorce Application into the Court House.
You will need a copy of your Marriage Cert to do this.

THEN this could bump things one of 2 ways.
ExW is shocked and realises what she is about to lose and rushes back to you

OR
exW turns up to Divorce you.

THEN you have one entire year to dissolve all marital assets (ofcourse no one really makes anyone do anything - Courts are full of hot air here but the rules are stated).

It's then you both will have to decide WHAT to do about the business you both work in, plus the marital home and any other financial assets you have together and each.
Pay her out is my suggestion.
She gets to really MOVE ON then.
So do you!
Totally up to you.

Bestest wishes!
EM

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mark

Sounds like you have come a long way in a short time with the right support. Good on you! And thank you so much for letting us know.

You already know my answer to your question—it’s about what’s best for you now.

If you feel you need certainty and the working relationship isn’t working for you, then that’s it. It’s not harsh or unreasonable. It’s what you need and want and you matter.

I’m not clear from your post though what your end game is. Do you want to buy her out or vice versa? Or do you want to wind the business up? When do you see this happening?

Whatever it may be, the change is going to stir the pot big time. Your wife has been calling the shots throughout and I don’t think she’s going to like losing control.

I also feel from my experience (my husband and I work together in our business) that she’s not just going to quietly walk away from the business. I wouldn’t.

And to be 100 per cent honest I think she has likely sought legal advice about her position by now. I say this with the benefit of the recent knowledge of her affair and knowing this isn’t about genuinely needing space.

Once you’re clear and firm about what you want, I suggest you seek legal advice and then—and only then— raise the issue with your wife. You don’t want to end up on the back foot.

You don’t necessarily have to get the lawyer acting for you right now but I believe you need guidance on how to handle the issue so you don’t inadvertently make a costly mistake. I am saying this based on the experiences of family and friends who have divorced.

Kind thoughts to you