HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???

[Mark h]

Good afternoon everyone.

I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.

My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.

We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:

• My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
• In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???

I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.

Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.

[ecomama]

Hey Mark h,

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil over things atm. I've read through your entire thread.

Things your W has said piqued my motivation to respond as some similar things were said to me by ex.
20y marriage, kids still at home etc.

I'm past all that now thank God, it was hell.

I agree with Geoff in that your W could be trying to let you down softly saying IDK how long the separation may be... up to TWO YEARS.
At that point when it was said to me, I just said "Leave, I don't want you back". ex wouldn't leave, it was a total mess.

She's telling you she's having a "Free Pass" for up to 2 years (frankly that level of disrespect sickens me).
And she's spending every weekend out and expecting you to hold the fort?

Wow, that's some kind of "overblown entitlement" pretty clearly to me.
Btw you can Google that and see if it fits.

2 strategies that help so many ppl going through what you're going through are:
- The 180 and
- Gray Rock.

These are not to bring in any negativity whatsoever, but ways to show YOU how to look after yourself during this trying time.

I'd be on the blower to Men's Legal Service pronto, ask about your rights in Family Law.

Definitely the take is a 50/50 split I'd say in your situation.
I'd begin thinking about how the division of assets will go.

You may need a long while to get your ducks in a row.

I wouldn't want you to be blindsided by the next announcement.

NB: Sorry I find the potential menopause reasoning just an excuse for being disrespectful.

Take care
EM

[Mark h]

Thanks EM

Greatly appreciate all of the feedback here and I totally agree with everything you are saying. I feel the next announcement is just around the corner if I am honest but I have slowly come to terms with this and I am actually fine with that. It is very sad of course and there is a lot to get through but I just feel anxious whenever I am around my wife currently. I found that she had pulled over $3,000 from ATM machines during the month of March alone and so I am seeing quite a large amount of deception which makes me even more anxious. At the weekend, I decided to change the password on my phone and last night when she went to look, she couldn't gain access. Now she is saying that I am hiding things from her but I am not at all. I am simply safe guarding myself and trying to protect my future. She has moved out and so I have no idea as to why she believes that she needs my phone password anyway...it's all very sad.

I really appreciate you coming back to me and I will do my best to get through this with as least amount of cuts and bruises as possible.

[geoff]

Hi Mark, if she has withdrawn $3000 from the ATM machine without your consent, that's a large amount of money, I know you have a business together, but the amount that is allowed to be taken out needs to be modified to a less amount of money or you have split accounts, rather joint, then it doesn't worry you how much is withdrawn.

She may want to check your phone just to see whether or not you communicate with someone else, but it's a good idea.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Hey Mark h

So she's moved out now... things are moving towards divorce then?
That's how I see it anyway.

In the eyes of Family Law you are married until you are divorced.
The "separated under one roof" is neither here nor there once your children are over 18yo.

So I'm meaning that either of you can TAKE as much money out of wherever each person WANTS to with zero repercussions in Family Law... meaning that money will never be "reconciled".

I would SHUT DOWN any and all access to monies possible.
I moved MY money to accounts in my sole name.

You are absolutely within your rights to put a lock on your phone. (this person definitely has some stuff going on).

Also you can redraw on the Mortgage and / or SHUT DOWN the redraw feature!
The financial stuff goes on and on!!

I understand there's a Men's Legal Service or Law Access you can call for FREE Family Law (FL) advice.

If I were you, I would move fast to firstly have the FREE 30 min FL spiel from a Family Lawyer of your choice and this move "secures" that Lawyer should you need them in the future.
You are NOT obligated to engage the Lawyer at all (no matter what they say).
Basically, by doing this, you will have "conflicted her out" of engaging that lawyer.

You may find that exW has already seen multiple FLs and conflicted YOU out (this happened to me for 200klm worth of FLs except for ONE who I'd used 20y before... so inadvertently conflicted EX out).

Then PLEASE use all the free advice you can muster.

Good luck!
EM

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mark

I was really saddened to read your update.

I think you did the right thing to protect your privacy by changing your phone password. Your estranged wife has no right to snoop in your phone.

Did you ask her why she withdrew the money? Did she raise the issue? She would have to know that you know.

I don’t think it wise to let the issue just sit there. It could be that she assumes the money from the joint account should be available to her to fund her new life.

Did you ever discuss how she was going to afford to move out? Does she still pay a share of the mortgage or rent? Is she contributing to the cost of raising your son?

Maybe it’s a good time to discuss the financial side of the new arrangement before things get out of hand.

However, if you’ve discussed it and she’s breeched your arrangement, then immediately move to protect your finances as others have suggested.

How are you managing through you elevated anxiety? Do you have professional support?

Kind thoughts to you

[Mark h]

Thanks to all of you for your words and support. It’s all very raw right now.

I did speak to my wife about the money and she claimed that she didn’t know she had taken so much. Alarm bells started ringing. That’s one of the reasons I changed my phone passcode. My 15 year old son also uses my phone to control our TV in the house, so I didn’t want him to see legal info etc I am searching on the internet. I don’t want him involved in this.

I know now that my wife is hiding money where she is now living and it’s not about that. I really don’t care if she took the money. It’s now more that my daily anxiety is so great, I am struggling to operate. I know people go through a lot worse than this and so I have to be thankful but I think the best way for both parties is to now move on.

Summer Rose, I am seeing a great psychologist and also a seperate life coach but no matter how many times I am told to find my own happiness and new group of friends, it’s really not that easy. Whilst it’s sad and hard, I think I need to call this and let both of us find some happiness in all of this.

I have no intention in finding someone new, I haven’t met anybody else and right now, I just need to start planning the rest of my life and bring the best version of myself I can be.

what are your thoughts everyone?

[Guest_3256]

Hi buddy.

Just wounder, honestly, do you still love her?

[ecomama]

Dear Mark h

All that "finding your OWN happiness and new group of friends" stuff is just white noise to you at the moment.

You are going through a MOMENTOUS life changing and sometimes loooong event.
All that mentioned to you is about "later"... for now you need to stabilise yourself with Counsel from a Family Lawyer and get your head around the CURRENT situation.

ExW will be taking anything she can because she can... and sure I get it, you don't care about the money right now... but when you need to get the marriage dissolved you WILL...

my legal battle probably cost $75 000 to resolve... haven't added it all up and don't want to lol!

Then "buying ex out" was another $70k.

By then ex had weasled hundreds of thousands out of accounts... the planning was decades long.

SO organising all your paperwork is of paramount importance right now..
Locking access down to all accounts is VERY important.

I understand it's the same in all States, you'll need to book in with Relationships Australia or some other organisation for Mediation for Parenting and Property.

Having any "proposed orders" you gain from Mediation (if that happens!) NEEDS to get approved and converted to Consent Orders via a Family Law Court to secure your future. Otherwise she can keep coming back for more money and believe me this happens.

I'm very sorry to say this but I found Psychologists completely out of touch with the trauma of separation, divorce and Courts.
You can halt the Life Coach for afterwards!
I went with a Counsellor experienced with DV / FV and still have her... she was FANTASTIC through all those years of "yuck stuff".

Tbh IF you are prepping the personal and professional property for FL, you won't have time for anyone else in your life.

Once this is behind you, THEN you can venture, CREATE and experience your wonderful new life.

With you all the way buddy, keep up the great work.
Eating well and caring for yourself is extremely important right now.

EM

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mark

I’m so pleased to learn that you have a solid support team in place. What you’re going through is really tough and we all know how critical it is to have professional support. Well done to you.

I can’t tell you what to do with regard to your marriage. It’s a significant decision and you and your family will all have to live with the consequences, not me. But I will unconditionally support whatever decision you make.

I think Jsua poses a good question for your consideration. I would like to ask another, what’s the best path to safeguard your mental health?

Living with anxiety is challenging and you must protect your ability to function, as far as it’s possible for you to influence. Good sleep hygiene. Healthy balanced diet. Plenty of golf or other exercise. Staying connected with friends. Quality time with your son. Reduced stress. Joyful hobbies like your singing to balance out the pain.

You need to do what’s best for you right now.

Kind thoughts to you

[Mark h]

It's a great question isn't it. A lot of me still loves her but as time moves on, I know I can be on my own and still function / manage everything. Initially I was sobbing trying to get her back but now I don't cry anymore. It's deeply sad after all these years and I had my faults too for sure but I think I am at peace with moving on and building a new life. Thanks Jsua! It's a question my healthcare professionals have asked me too!