How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

[Kelly_T]

This week I found out that my husband ( 9 years married, 14 years together) has been in a relationship for the past three years. They would meet at his hotel initially and since then, they would regularly speak on the phone or via text in French, she was saved in his phone under a man's name. He tells me that, in general, the relationship for the past 2 of 3 years was really just banter and not sexual, he was texting her while we were away for my 40th birthday, she called him when his father died, their relationship was intertwined with our most personal moments. During that time, I would dream about their relationship almost every week and tell him about it, I also found receipts for private flights over the harbour (how romantic) he got mad at me, I now realise he got mad at me and made me feel like a paranoid woman numerous times, when most of those times what I was asking him about was directly related to his infidelity. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and anger I can't even explain how my body hurts, I have been on the couch for 3 days and nothing matters to me anymore. I feel dead inside and like everything I believed in was nothing. I always believed we were through everything so connected in our hearts and I can't understand how he could betray me for so long, who is he? It's like everything I thought I knew was wrong. I feel like I'm having a breakdown, my head is empty, I just sit and stare at things and then cry and then repeat and wish I could be drugged or put in a coma so I don't have to process this consuming sadness. 

I need to hear from people who have been here, I love him and he is also devastated about his mistakes. We are going to counselling today for the first time and I expect I will just cry. I just wish it could be erased and he could be back as he once was.

How do you get past this?  I fear I'm going to be broken after this, I'm afraid I won't be me again. 

[Kelly_T]

Oh Liz, I am so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation and also have to care for a child alongside it all, I can only image how hard it would be to also have to hold it together for someone else when all you want to do is cry. When did you found out?

Kelly

[Kelly_T]

Hi Juliet

I just wanted to say I really love this message and have read it a few times now. One of the hardest parts is wanting to be better already and wanting to get back to my normal self and sort everything out, but then the reality that there is no timeline for feeling ok again. Thank you for suggesting Esther Perel, I will have a listen to her. 

I really appreciate this message, thank you so much

[Juliet_84]

Oh Kelly, I’m so glad that you’ve found some comfort in my words. I have read back over your responses to myself and to other members in this forum and you have handled yourself with such grace. It truly amazed me how you have managed to show concern and care for others who have shared their experiences, almost more than you have for yourself, despite being in the midst of your own storm. You deserve more than what has happened to you, that much is clear. I understand your desire to feel “normal” again, the constant anxiety in your stomach and internal back and forth, but the very foundation with which you have built your life has been shaken, and that takes some time to heal/repair. I found doing really small self-care things for me helpful. Buy a coffee and a magazine and sit in the sun and read it. Put your headphones in and go for a walk. Gardening is also good. Catch up with a friend for a walk, even one of the friends you haven’t told about what’s happening - my workmates were none the wiser about my home life and I found it liberating to go out to lunch and not have to talk or think about my situation for awhile. Whatever you feel up to, just try for one thing a day. You will have good days and bad. Some days, it will be as simple as having a shower. But those tiny moments aren’t tiny and over time you will feel “you” come back. 

[Liz_ss]

Hi Kelly, I hope you are doing as well as you can at the moment. I feel we are at very similar stages of shock and grief. I just found out a week ago so I am just trying to make it through the week and get through my commitments but it is all a bit hard. One day at a time I suppose. 

[ecomama]

Dear Kelly, sorry I'm so late in responding. I only just saw your reply to me tonight. 

I'm sorry for your pain Kelly and Liz and Fiatlux too! 
Gosh we could create our own little chump forum here now. Group hugs! 

But as I said, this is in well in the past for me now. Thank the Lord.

I could relate to almost every utterance from each of you. I get it. 
This immediate time post D Day ("Discovery Day") is THE most turbulent time for you. 
Strangely not for the wayward spouses, it's BAU for them, more or less. 

One point I need to make is that everything has changed. Your spouse's affair(s) changed everything. 
There is no making things as they were before, because before was our mirage. 

I can't repeat here the things I said to our "marriage" Counsellor! Lol but they all turned out to be 100% true. 

PLEASE get your own Counsellor who is NOT your marriage Counsellor. One purely for YOU. 
Visiting chump lady dot com was the best! 

I'm in 2 minds about how much I share. One mind says share everything, all the personality traits of cheaters etc etc and the other knowing it's too much then back to the first mind, knowing I'm speaking with condescension if I don't share, ugh! 

Sure your lives will change IF you leave but it's a far more pleasant path living with freedom from all this rubbish. Your lives have changed irreparably by staying, to me that life felt completely polluted. 

I honestly knew my own self worth. No way would ANY ONE treat me this way. No way would I have this rubbish behaviour modelled to my children. 

Happily I'm FAR better off in all ways. Financially. Mentally. Career wise. HAPPINESS wise. 

Love EM

[Joe_s]

This is exactly how I felt about 5 years ago. I went through a similar situation. It's like you described exactly how I felt. And I got through it although not totally the same me. And I tell you what, maybe as bad as a human being can feel, that's what compelled me to reply. And even though I have trouble empathizing with others, on this one I feel for you cos I went through a very similar pain. And it still interrupts my life now, but is much much better, but still sux. I think the mind and you will change to protect yourself from ever feeling like this again. I look back and try to see things as a thing I had to go throough to be the new me. You will laugh again, you will have fun again, you will get through this and be a great great person, and you are a great person now ! and you will achieve plenty of goals and not let this be a permanent feeling I know you will maam.  I find lots of exercise helps me sleep even though I'm not sleeping these days. Need plenty more daily long walks. Please be strong and don't give up hope of being happy again and getting through this whatever happens. I know you can do it.

[Mem-C]

Hi there,

I’ve just read your post and see it’s from 3 weeks ago. I was just wondering how you’re feeling now? 
I am going through something similar at the moment. Caught my partner of 19 years (father of my three teenagers) sending love hearts in a message to a girl he was having an affair with. They’ve never met. She lives in France. He swears there was nothing sexy happening. Just flirty. Just banter. 
(Maybe I’m being naive? Though to be honest, he’s quite a boring man and I don’t think he’d have the creativity in him!)
So it’s a lesser betrayal than yours. But even still I am devastated. It’s all so hurtful. I can’t believe he could fo it to me. I can’t believe he could do it to our family. He made out to her that he was single and living alone. How disrespectful!!!!

So I’m feeling your pain. 
We have our first counselling session tomorrow. I’m nervous about it. 
Like you, I don’t know what I want. I feel like if he leaves now I’ll be desperately sad, but if he stays I’ll risk being sad a whole lot longer. 

The best advice I’ve been given is not to listen to the noise. Don’t listen to your friends who love you and will hate him for hurting you. 
Just take time. This is the biggest decision you’ll face. 

I hope it’s ok for me to follow along your journey. 
You are sadly not alone. There are billions of us being crapped on by men who possibly don’t deserve us. 
You seem like an amazing person. You are a kind person, I can tell by your messages and responses. 
With or without him, I feel you will be alright. You have the perfect amount of emotional intelligence. 

Please take care of yourself. 
hey wouldn’t it be nice to have a magic wand? We could wave it and make all the pain go away…..

mem. 

[ecomama]

Dear Kelly_T and all the other lovelies reading, 

I send you LOVE. 
LOVE for yourself to grow bigger and bigger. 

To stay? omg why? you must ask yourself. Esther Perel and many others will give you unicorns of hope that are part of the "Reconciliation Industrial Complex" the RIC as those of us who are OUTSIDE of this looking at it all objectively can see with pure CLARITY. 

Then there's the middle ground... knowing you must leave, "should have" left. 
Just stayed. I only know Fiatlux and all of my friends (FAR fewer family thank God) who stayed, destroying their very lives and holding down any potential their lives held. I have 50y of "longitudinal studies" of the many people in my circles who remained with the abuser. 
Their energies went into the abuser and attempting to manage their unmanageable lives. 

To leave.... the FREEDOM to breathe, LIVE, CREATE the beautiful LIFE you were always to intend to live. 
It's a truly wonderful life! 
I AM EUPHORIC with the delicious BLISS and JOY. 
Now living with as much potential I can garner from within myself and the world. 
I have more LOVE, more financial GROWTH, more ABUNDANCE now than ever before!   
Have a peek at Chump Lady to see how millions are breaking FREE and living their best lives. 

I am worthy. 
I am beautiful. 
I am powerful. 

Love to you all
EMxxxx

[Kelly_T]

Hey Mem

I'm sorry to hear you are having a similar experience, another French woman huh, her name doesn't happen to be Laure does it? haha.

My husband said a similar thing, that after the initial physical interactions it became rather banal, but ongoing banter, but for some reason it kept going, like it's just fun to speak to someone who knows nothing about you. How was your first therapy session? I get so nervous about them too, we have had four now, and I've had one of my own.

I am crying much less now (not every day hooray), but I still have some very emotional breakdowns because there is still overwhelm.  I would say I'm in an anger phase right now, which is not normal for me, but I have these waves of just hating him so much and hating him for ruining everything and making me feel like this. As I've said to him numerous times "you had the fun, you had the excitement and I get this", it really isn't fair and that makes me so mad that he has put this on me, I am in a bit of a depressed tunnel and I feel like I have lost myself a little as I am always a very happy and positive person. 

Have you told many friends? I have kept it to myself in general, I have told one friend who is not one of my closest friends. I think I want to figure out my own thoughts before involving others as I don't want any influence. I am just taking my time and my mind changes every day. Do you have any thoughts about what you will do?

Yes please, I would like that magic wand very much! I am so sorry to hear you are feeling devastated too, please message if you need help.

xox

Kelly

[Kelly_T]

Hey Joe_s

I'm so sorry you have had a similar experience, I'm grateful you have taken the time to reply and share your experience with me. I have wondered how this will change me in the future, it's something I am quite worried about as I just want to be the normal me again.

Can I ask, did you stay with your partner?

Kelly