How do you cope?

TinyDancer2017 · ‎17-09-2017

Hi everyone,

First time posting here but I just needed some advice/coping strategies/to get this out.

I was in a four year relationship with someone I really loved. He encouraged me to give up my job, my flat, basically everything to move to be closer to him. Once I had (irreversibly) given up these things, he called me and said he had changed his mind and didn't feel like he loved me enough to uproot our lives like this. I was absolutely crushed. Even worse, I had to manage the heartbreak while looking for a new job/place to live. This happened a year ago, and I still haven't managed to shake the crippling loneliness that this series of events triggered. My self-esteem is pretty low a lot of the time, and I can't trust my own judgment (how can I trust myself if I believed that he loved me?)

I don't, even for an instant, want to be back with him. But I struggle with feelings of how my life got totally derailed, whereas he - who pulled the plug so suddenly, after I had made these irreversible changes - didn't have to go through any of this upheaval. Even worse, I have panic attacks because I feel like I've wasted my 20s on someone who ultimately didn't care about me... all my friends are married now with children, and at 29 I feel I've lost any chance of this ever happening for me.

Thanks for reading.

I'm now 29 and I have immense panic attacks about having wasted my twenties on someone who doesn't care about me, and

Jessicatherese94 · ‎17-09-2017

Hi TinyDancer, I totally feel you. It hurts so much when you think that you're in love and that everything's fine and then this person decides all of a sudden that the relationship is over. What I want you to know is that you're definitely not alone, this has happened to myself and many of my friends time and time again. It sucks. I really don't think it sounds like your judgement failed you, it sounded like something he out of nowhere decided. Is that how you feel? If I were you I would not blame yourself, and please don't feel like you wasted time. Despite the pain that love brings, the fact that you were able to take the risk and love someone teaches you a lot. Loving someone, being able to communicate and build a life with someone over four years is a huge learning curve and actually quite an accomplishment. Learn what you can from the relationship, seek out a psychologist if you want someone to talk to more regularly. You have not lost the chance of meeting someone again. 29 is still very, very young. I don't know if I've helped much but I do want you to know that you should never give up hope. There's people falling in love in their 30s, 40s, 50s. Your friends are on their own path, and whilst it may be easy to play the comparison game, they are not you. A break up can happen at any age, but I'm sure there's lots you can learn and grow from in the past relationship. But never think that was your only chance. I promise you will love again.

Neil_1 · ‎18-09-2017

Hi there Tiny Dancer,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and posting.

I really think that Jessica’s response to you was very good and I back up what she was saying on a number of things, but especially the chances of meeting someone else. There’s literally millions of people out there and I have no doubt it will happen … I guess the key question is though, you just never know. But this was an absolute crap thing to happen to you, and I really feel for you and that time must have been just horrible.

But please don’t look at it as a wasted time/wasted years, etc … it wasn’t. You were living life and you were, I’d assume, for the most part, enjoying what you were doing and how you were living. Life presents us with different experiences as we journey through … some are great and we look back and think fondly of those. Other times, we reflect back and think, “oh bugga”. But it is what it is … it’s happened and with all things, we just have to keep moving, and moving forward.

Just on the part about other friends, seeing them get married, etc, with children. Comparisons aren’t needed on this. You have what’s going on in your life, but I can almost guarantee you, that their lives aren’t all glowing golden with all things beautiful. There’s always peaks and troughs in life.

Keep writing if you’d like … would love to hear from you again,

Neil

TinyDancer2017 · ‎18-09-2017

Thanks so much for your replies. It was really nice to hear your encouraging words and not feel so alone. I think this is really hitting me as turning 30 this year... it really spirals in my head, like when I imagine all the things that will have to fall into place/all the time it will take to meet someone/establish a relationship I feel I'll be too old to have a baby which is something really important to me. I guess I need something new to focus on but really do feel like I'm grieving for this life which I invested so much love and energy into. It's hard to find a distraction as well because I feel like I've taken a step back in my career, and yet job rejections for jobs like the ones I gave up just compound my sense of rejection/helplessness. 😞

Guest_1584 · ‎18-09-2017

Hi TD , cool name btw .

But yeah , this was a ridiculously thoughtless thing for him to do , guess ya know that though but you could , well maybe , be thankful he did it then and not 6 mths later when your all established together and it would be 10x more complicated , not much help l know and l'm sorry it's happened.

l agree with the others though , all the way . And l'd just like to say again to though hey , 29, don't you worry about a thing, you got plenty of time and l know it doesn't look like it right now, but this probably all happened to save you from one thing and to lead you to the next , maybe it just hasn't revealed itself yet.

And don't worry about your friends, for these days they've probably gotten married too soon anyway and you can bet a lot of what you think won't be as it seems.

Hang in there eh.

awrinkle_in_time · ‎18-09-2017

Hi TinyDancer2017 , I hope making contact with BB has helped , if you can find a professional to talk with , someone you feel comfortable with , keep looking until you find the right person . Talking it all out will help and the professional person can help re-wire your thinking . You need to grieve and thats healthy , but don't fall into the trap of allowing it to continue for years . Getting through this will be a great challenge , you will come out the other end with great strength and when love comes your way again and it will your strength will only get stronger . Take Care

GemAndLogan · ‎19-09-2017

Hey TD : )

I understand where you are coming from, having found myself in a similar situation earlier this year (I am also nearly 30, my friends are getting married and having kids and my 8 year relationship ended)

As others have said, take the time to grieve, be sad, eat ice cream and all those things. Don't rush this process because it does take time. Talk to a professional if that helps you through the it.

What really worked for me was to focus completely on myself when I felt I was ready to take on the world again, I had put everything my relationship for so long that it was now time to be a little bit selfish. I started classes, new hobbies, spoiling myself with things I wanted (even small things when money was tight). Doing these things alone, rather than with my married friends really opened me up to meet new people, which was awesome.

I didn't look for a new relationship, then out of the blue I met someone. We had an immediate connection that I'd never felt before. We are together now.

Please never feel like its too late, it really isn't.

Be sad for the relationship that has ended but also embrace the fact that you're starting a new chapter and that really is something to be excited about

Lots of love

Gem

Neil_1 · ‎19-09-2017

Hi there TD,

And I too, like your name, Tiny Dancer, but I do like a good abbreviation.

The other thing I’ve been thinking is, that I guess for quite some time now, you’ve been in the ‘groove’ or ‘rut’ of a relationship and thereby, perhaps not doing things, that you may have once did. What am I meaning by this? I’m glad you asked.

You know, things like sports, or other activities that you may have once done … I’m really going out on a limb here, but maybe you were a dancer of some note and maybe, that could be something that could be once again pursued. I could be barking up the wrong tree completely here – isn’t that such an unusual term, barking up the wrong tree … I assume it’s meant as a dog at the bottom of a …. yeah, sorry about that. I do wander sometimes.

Another thing I thought of, is that it does sound like you really do need some pampering now or in the very near future. Have you thought about getting a really nice massage from somewhere? Maybe a couple of hours at your favourite hair-dresser … or another thing, but this one is a bit “out there” – rustling up some friends together and hitting the high seas on a cruise??

Keep writing, and keep the positive vibes flowing,

Neil

TinyDancer2017 · ‎20-09-2017

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to thank you so much for your replies. I honestly can't express how much they have helped me to feel more positive and less alone! I really appreciate it and wish you all the best in your struggles too.

awrinkle_in_time · ‎21-09-2017

Hi TinyDancer2017, Hey just saying hi , hope your week is going ok .. regards, a friend .