Call to ex. Dumb and dumber

[Waterfalls]

Hi all

I've allowed my emotions to get the better of me and have done something that defies logic and feel like a total tool..

I asked my ex for a phonecall, its pretty much the anniversary of our breakup - the most toxic I've ever experienced.

Was all my fault the relationship died. She did everything she could to help me, even visting me in hospital for this illness. Ultimately it became too much, and then things became really toxic. I didn't give her back what she needed in the relationship.

All this time I've missed her, and beaten myself up over it.

I decided it would be her if I kept myself away from hey allowing her to move on and find happiness - not be crippled by my presence.

However, at the weekend i get a text from her saying she was in my area seeing a friend in her new place, pretty much next door.

So I go and break the logic I was supposed to be following and text back saying it would be nice to chat over the phone.

The response has triggered alot of anxiety and I'm now thinking of backing out of it out of fear for my mental health. However I already know what will happen if i dont do it. Lots of self talk about being a coward etc.

The response was that she is in a really good place, happy to chat but has no desire to revisit the toxic period we had together or any of the hurtful things that were spoken to each other. My translation to that is 'ill talk to you out of politeness, but take the hint, i don't want you in my life right now'. Totally understandable. Also totally understandable that she has raised her shields about me wanting a verbal.

Really I had no intention of using her for a rumination session anyway. But then i questioned myself on *what* I'm actually after, to be clear on my own motives. The answer is simple, no family in this country that can help me, hardly any friends left i can talk to, some bad experiences with doctors - just feeling very alone and missing her dearly.

I'm forcing myself to accept the fact there is no chance. But now there is a time set she will be expecting me to call.

I'm totally freaking out about it now. I think that if i do go though with this that i just make it very simple, dont revisit anything negative, express my gratitude for being part of her life, and stress I'm not asking for ANYTHING else other than a friendly hello

Don't even know what I'm asking of you guys here... created yet another self imposed nightmare. And yes I've sought 'professional' help

[OctoberStar]

Hi Waterfalls,

Firstly, I'd like to tell you how normal you are in your feelings. Particularly in your scenario where, as you have stated, you don't have a lot of people you can open up to about how you're feeling right now. It's great that you have been able to vent on here as it's important to at least have somewhere you can get your feelings out.

It's natural to miss pieces of our past, especially when we are not feeling our best. You are not a tool for contacting your ex in a time where you are craving some TLC. Your ex was a great support sytem to you and it is only natural to associate the need for comfort to people who once made us feel good.

My advice to you is to take a deep breath and assess whether or not you are going to feel better or worse after this phone call. If the phone call is going to impact you in a positive way then by all means, go for it. Just because you are going to speak doesn't mean it is going to be a deep or dark conversation, ultimately you can determine the path you go down when making the call. What do you want to get out of speaking with her?

If you are going to make the call, I would suggest writing a list of the things you want to say so that you don't get caught up with nerves and say things perhaps against your better judgement. Keep in mind that she may have things she'd like to say as well and ensure you are prepared for them / have something to occupy your mind with afterwards.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.
~ October Star ~

[Waterfalls]

**sorry mods i posted the following in the wrong thread -***

Thanks so much to you both...
I can recognise my thinking is warped but i actually consider the neglect i inflicted on the poor woman is criminal.
It is 2.5 hours until the scheduled time for this call. It will probably come down to the last minute to decide whether to go ahead.
This is a dangerous move for me, believe me I've tried to prepare for worst case etc scenarios. But hearing it direct may well undo that prep.
It has not helped that a friend of mine just texted basically saying 'don't want to talk to you unless its productive, so no wishy washy stuff'. Wishywashy = pics of animals and things growing in my garden/depression. So my official friend count on this level is now zero.
Wish me luck. ..all the best

[Spikeo]

Hi Waterfalls

Hope the phone call, A) went ahead and B) went well for you, or at least not bad.

Im probably not the only one who read your post thats wondering how it went and how your feeling since then.

Hope your well.