So utterly alone

[LonelyMama]

Im so completely alone.

I'm a sole parent to beautiful children that are my life, but everyone has abandoned us and act like they completely hate us.

i honestly don't know what I've ever done to make people hate me so much - but it's been my entire life. My family all get along and I'm the youngest but they won't talk to me and have always acted as though they hate me. They've been cruel.

I've been made to believe that I always deserved abuse, even when my ex beat me and put me in hospital, the Courts and everyone seemed to side with him because he's a lawyer and I guess I'm just worthless. I even get blamed for him not being therefor his child, not because I keep him from them, but because they're my children which makes it ok for him to despise them too.

I feel like we support so much, I'm alone working so hard for my children - and I really need some support and people I can lean on, but I have no one. I'm so shattered. I'm so scared of what would happen to my kids if something happened to me. I am so scared because I have nobody I can rely on.

I am the youngest in my family, and now they all get along after years of conflict between my older siblings - I guess they have all reunited and bond over how much they hate me. I truly don't know what I've done that makes them all hate me so much.

[BballJ]

Hi LonelyMama,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are currently going through. The horrible feeling when it feels like everyone against you is a real feeling and I can understand how much it is hurting you, we all need people to lean on in life to get us through the tough times. You have found these forums, which is great and these are really good for support and connecting with people who may feel how you are feeling. I know you said your family maybe bonds over how much they hate you but I cannot believe this is true? Have you spoken to any of the siblings on their own at all? Maybe one you feel close with and can sort of confide in? Maybe your parents even?

I understand you are working so hard and you do honestly sound like you are a great mother, which is great but have you ever thought about speaking to a psychologist for extra support? Someone to explain your feelings to in person? As I said above these forums are great and full of non-judgemental people who just want to support you.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[LonelyMama]

Hi Jay,

thanks for the reply, it was very helpful.

None of my family or siblings talk to me. I work really hard doing my Masters and trying to support my children completely on my own, since I became a mother at 21 which was over 13 years ago, so I don't know why they keep trying to hurt me like they want me to fail.

I heard from a cousin a few weeks ago and she told me one of my sisters and my my mum were saying all of these horrible things behind my back and laughing about how much weight I've put on. I know she was telling the truth because she couldn't have known the things she told me they were saying.

My heart just really hurts to the point I don't know if it's anxiety or if my heart is literally breaking from how much pain I've experienced my whole life. I truly don't know why so many people have hated me so much.

I mean I get along well with many people at uni and other families at kids schools, but they're not close friends I could call if I needed help. There's no one I can call if I needed help. It makes me so scared and depressed.

I don't know what's wrong with me and why my life has had to be filled with so much pain and heartache.

[demonblaster]

Hi Lonely welcome & you're not alone anymore, you've landed in a good place

I read your post & will read the others but need to rest these tired eyes so will be back tomoz sometime.

Sometimes posts take a while so don't be discouraged, they have a lot of work to get through with so many posts

Hope you feel some comfort that you can chat as much as you like here without judgement

bbl

[BballJ]

Hi LonelyMama,

I am sorry that you feel this way and feel everyone hates you. Please be sure that these forums are totally safe and no one hates anyone here and you are more than welcome to post and talk about how you are feeling. We are one big community that has one common goal, help each other. I wish I had some magic piece of advice to offer you that would make you feel better, but I can only offer my support and the fact I am hearing you. I know it can be confusing if you do now know if it is heart break or anxiety which is why I do suggest speaking to a GP at least to maybe do a mental health plan and see where you are at. You owe it to yourself to at least give it a chance.

My best,

Jay

[White_Rose]

Dear Lonely Mama

A warm welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you will continue to post in here so we can support you. It is horrible when you feel you have no friends and your family has abandoned you.

I see you are completing a Masters degree. I would love to know your subject. I know from my own experience that it takes time and lot of energy. Add that to caring for your children and it's a big load to carry. May I ask the ages of your children. I presume they are quite young, possibly preschoolers.

I remember when I completed my undergraduate degree I was so pleased as I was in my forties, working full time and caring for four children, although not alone. My mom visited me from the UK and I showed it to her. "Oh right," she said. Talk about being deflated. My sister said, when I told her I was completing a Masters, "Why do you want to do that?" I could not believe it. Neither of them could see how much it meant to me. Do you think this is a similar reason for your family laughing at you?

I suspect your family do not hate you but are not particularly interested in what you do. Ignoring you or laughing at you can seem like hate and it is certainly as devastating. I am suggesting this as a more likely proposition because of the way you see yourself. If there was malice in what they say it may be you are hated, but while they are rude and unsympathetic it's not necessarily hatred. Does that make sense?

If you see yourself as a target for hate it colours the way you think about yourself. It would have been much harder for you in court if your ex was a lawyer I agree but physical abuse is not condoned in court or in society generally. I think you have such a poor opinion of yourself that being subjected to abuse by anyone simply reinforces this belief.

You say your family mistreated you as a child and I am really sorry to hear this. Sometimes one child seems to be the scapegoat of the family and it's totally unacceptable. Again it's not hatred, it's part of the family culture and incredibly harmful for you. Can you think of yourself as a person who has been abused rather than a target for hate. There may not seem much difference but there is.

Have you ever received any counselling? It's not because you are in the wrong, far from it. You have been harmed and need help to get well. Make a long appointment to see your GP. Copy and print your two posts above and show them to the doctor. He/she will refer you to a suitable person. Keep posting here.

Mary