Heartbroken man

[Kwestone]

I’m a 53 year old man who’s wife of 25 years has decided to end our marriage with no warning. We were an extremely tight, loving couple with 4 kids and the breakup has left me bewildered and crushed. Up until the last week of our relationship I felt like it was her and I forever. We have had extreme financial stress since she lost her business and went bankrupt during Covid and these pressures have come to a head about 6 weeks ago due to a legal issue she is involved in which could’ve and now definitely will force us to sell our home of twenty years. The equity in our house means the sale isn’t life ending it’s more of a big financial step back. She has also been going through perimenopause for the last 3 years with all the usual symptoms. Although, intimacy has remained active through this time. She has basically told me her ability to care for anyone has dried up. She has also given our kids, the oldest 24 and the youngest 18 an ultimatum of 12 months to move out. She was the victim of child sexual abuse with she has never received help for and would refuse. She believes in just getting over it and soldiering on. Her Mother died 8 weeks ago. She had a lot of resentment for her Mother due to the way she handled the abuse. While they were not estranged she did not attend the funeral and as far as I saw didn’t shed a single tear. She is the epitome of a strong, independent woman and I loved her for it. I’ve asked is there anybody else and she was disgusted that I’d asked replying she wouldn’t care if she never saw another man again in her whole life. Our family are all on the life 360 app so I have no reason to believe there is someone else. She also works independently so it’s not like she could have her eye on someone at work etc. I want to say I’m not the perfect husband. I have helped around the house cook tea at least 3 to four nights a week although my job is very physically demanding. I work hard and have always made sure she knew I loved her and I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I have supported her and defended her even when I thought she was making a mistake or was wrong. Now she’s saying I’ve never supported her. I’m dazed and confused. Anyone else had a similar experience or got any advice? I feel like I’ve lost my whole life, family and future. 

[WhiteBear]

Hi Kwestone,

It sounds like you're going through a very troubling time in both your life and your relationship. Going through a relationship breakdown is difficult enough, let alone experiencing financial hardship at the same time.

It sounds like your wife is under extreme stress and may also be carrying guilt associated with the failed business. That kind of experience can be deeply traumatic and may have a significant psychological impact. Speaking with a psychologist or a couples counsellor would be a logical next step.

When you enter a relationship with someone, you don't just build a life together, you also create a shared vision of your future. If that rug is suddenly pulled out from underneath you and those dreams are lost, it can sometimes feel easier to start over. This can be especially true if the relationship itself becomes a trigger for feelings of guilt, disappointment, or failure.

I would encourage your wife to see a skilled psychologist who can explore these feelings in depth and help determine whether the desire to separate is a well-considered decision or, in part, a coping mechanism. This may be particularly important if, in the past, she has tended to cope by being tough and making difficult decisions quickly.

I hope some of this is helpful, and I genuinely wish you both the best, whatever the outcome.

Regards,

WB

[Kwestone]

Thanks for that. So much of what you said rings true with me. I think the guilt aspect is definitely a large part of the problem. If I think hard I can almost pinpoint the moment this begun. Right about when the legal issues began. Thank you again.