Heartbroken man

Kwestone

I’m a 53 year old man who’s wife of 25 years has decided to end our marriage with no warning. We were an extremely tight, loving couple with 4 kids and the breakup has left me bewildered and crushed. Up until the last week of our relationship I felt like it was her and I forever. We have had extreme financial stress since she lost her business and went bankrupt during Covid and these pressures have come to a head about 6 weeks ago due to a legal issue she is involved in which could’ve and now definitely will force us to sell our home of twenty years. The equity in our house means the sale isn’t life ending it’s more of a big financial step back. She has also been going through perimenopause for the last 3 years with all the usual symptoms. Although, intimacy has remained active through this time. She has basically told me her ability to care for anyone has dried up. She has also given our kids, the oldest 24 and the youngest 18 an ultimatum of 12 months to move out. She was the victim of child sexual abuse with she has never received help for and would refuse. She believes in just getting over it and soldiering on. Her Mother died 8 weeks ago. She had a lot of resentment for her Mother due to the way she handled the abuse. While they were not estranged she did not attend the funeral and as far as I saw didn’t shed a single tear. She is the epitome of a strong, independent woman and I loved her for it. I’ve asked is there anybody else and she was disgusted that I’d asked replying she wouldn’t care if she never saw another man again in her whole life. Our family are all on the life 360 app so I have no reason to believe there is someone else. She also works independently so it’s not like she could have her eye on someone at work etc. I want to say I’m not the perfect husband. I have helped around the house cook tea at least 3 to four nights a week although my job is very physically demanding. I work hard and have always made sure she knew I loved her and I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I have supported her and defended her even when I thought she was making a mistake or was wrong. Now she’s saying I’ve never supported her. I’m dazed and confused. Anyone else had a similar experience or got any advice? I feel like I’ve lost my whole life, family and future.

WhiteBear

Hi Kwestone,

It sounds like you're going through a very troubling time in both your life and your relationship. Going through a relationship breakdown is difficult enough, let alone experiencing financial hardship at the same time.

It sounds like your wife is under extreme stress and may also be carrying guilt associated with the failed business. That kind of experience can be deeply traumatic and may have a significant psychological impact. Speaking with a psychologist or a couples counsellor would be a logical next step.

When you enter a relationship with someone, you don't just build a life together, you also create a shared vision of your future. If that rug is suddenly pulled out from underneath you and those dreams are lost, it can sometimes feel easier to start over. This can be especially true if the relationship itself becomes a trigger for feelings of guilt, disappointment, or failure.

I would encourage your wife to see a skilled psychologist who can explore these feelings in depth and help determine whether the desire to separate is a well-considered decision or, in part, a coping mechanism. This may be particularly important if, in the past, she has tended to cope by being tough and making difficult decisions quickly.

I hope some of this is helpful, and I genuinely wish you both the best, whatever the outcome.

Regards,

WB

Kwestone

Thanks for that. So much of what you said rings true with me. I think the guilt aspect is definitely a large part of the problem. If I think hard I can almost pinpoint the moment this begun. Right about when the legal issues began. Thank you again.

therising

Hi Kwestone

I feel for you so deeply as you face a time in your life that has left you reeling, with so many questions. While you seem to have some possible answers, along with what WhiteBear offers, I'm sure there are still a lot that's left unanswered.

I'm wondering whether your wife's been facing a deeply introspective time in her life and wanting to end the marriage is a result of that. While a person's sudden life changing announcement may seem completely out of the blue, if only we could hear their thoughts or inner dialogue we'd be able to say before the announcement 'I can see exactly where this is heading'. While we can consider a person's behaviour as 'a mid life crisis' or 'the side effects of perimenopause', if there's a deeply introspective period going on, this can be the greatest influence of all. I say this as a 55yo gal who faces such periods in life and is facing one at the moment.

Waking up (aka 'becoming more conscious') and list making are 2 key factors, amongst many factors, during such a time. I have to say it can get out of control if not managed carefully or strategically. For example, you could wake up to the fact that you don't feel supported in the ways you really need. Fair enough. The most logical question would be 'What kind of support do I actually need?'. Mental, emotional, physical, soulful or all of that combined? The next question might be 'What do I need support with?'. Is there a lot of stuff coming up from the past or is there a need to develop new skills and a greater sense of self understanding or is there a loss of vision when it comes to the way forward or is there a need to find someone who'll simply wonder with us as to what this time in our life is really all about? This list of questions can be constructive. On the other hand, what's not constructive can involve jumping to the wrong conclusions. You could wake up to the fact that you don't feel really supported. This can lead to questioning all the ways in which you've never felt supported. A whole other list can involve all the people who you felt never fully supported you. The list making goes on. So, one way of 'waking up' involves finding what's going to raise us, the other involves what's potentially going to bring us down or depress us and/or even anger us. Btw, with the first way, the voice of reason is more prominent. There can be that little voice in our head that says 'How could you expect your partner to know exactly how to support you when you we're even conscious of the kind of support you needed?'. Or maybe there's the sage in us that suggests 'Your partner has always been someone who's developed the ability along with new skills in supporting you. If you walk away from the relationship, you're not giving them the opportunity to further develop while learning how to support you at the same time. You need to work this out together'.

I can't help but wonder whether your wife is the kind of person who either thrives or suffers through inner dialogue.

Kwestone

Hi therising

Thanks for that, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I also have wondered about her inner monologue. She is very guarded of her emotions. She has told me that when she has to do something challenging her initial thoughts are self doubt but she forces those thoughts out of her mind and only thinks positively from then on. Something I’ve always struggled with. Since posting this I’ve spoken to her to sort out matters about the sale of the house etc twice face to face and twice on the phone. Her initial reaction with the face to face encounters was quiet, pure anger, which I’ve NEVER seen before, that she seemed to be trying to hide while on the phone she was as friendly as ever. I found that interesting. I successfully kept myself calm, friendly and respectful during these contacts although it was killing me inside.

therising

Hi Kwestone

Her difference in nature is definitely interesting, something to wonder about. Whether it relates to where she's at emotionally at the time of contact or it relates to not having visual triggers while talking over the phone (just audible contact), who knows. Personally, I prefer to meet with people in person, as personal contact has more of a feel to it. It's more emotional. Btw, I definitely have someone in my life at the moment who I prefer to not sense visually or audibly🙂. Such forms of contact trigger my nervous system. If your wife's a real 'feeler' or 'sensitive', this could help explain some things.

Not sure if you're wife's also a bit of a cycler. What I mean by that is she cycles through certain challenges. I'm a cycler myself. The cycle starts with everything being fine or even great. When a mental and emotional challenge starts to come up, I'll start to come out of my initial state. I'll go into a state of self questioning which can be known to bring me down. At the half way mark I can be really down and start to question why this is the case. As I start to identify what's brought me down, I'll begin to cycle upwards into a number of angering revelations. Once I process what the anger's about, I continue to cycle upwards into more revelations. For example, I could feel angry about how someone regularly dis-appoints themself from a role in life I really need them to fill. Once I work out why they won't or can't fill it, I begin to go into my 'solutions' phase of the cycle. Once I have all the revelations and solutions I need, bamm, I'm back at the start where everything's great again and I'm feeling really pumped about the way forward. For a cycler, sometimes they can get stuck in a certain part of a cycle. I've been stuck in the depressing part of the cycle before and stuck in the anger part as well on occasion. I like to think of each cycle as 'cycling/spiraling upwards' or gradually rising through continuing cycles of challenge. With each cycle comes a rise in consciousness and ability. I wonder whether your wife could be stuck in a state of anger, based on a number of reasons.

My hat goes off to you for remaining composed. It's also important to establish your boundaries in the process. Setting boundaries when it comes to how you're spoken to or boundaries when it comes to what you're prepared to tolerate remains important. This is a far from easy time for you and you need to take care of yourself.

Kwestone

Hi therising

I think she may be the same as you because over the years she has tended to “cycle” through weeks of being quiet, unresponsive and disinterested and then go through long periods of pure happiness with me and everything around her. It’s so hard because if it were up to me, and I know it’s not, I would suggest some counselling. Unfortunately I know she would never agree. I also fear that for better or worse she’s made her decision and will stand by it. The “what if’s” are by far the worst part and knowing that I honestly thought I had been doing my best. I thought she knew that I’d do anything for her, it’s just harsh and I know it is for her too.

therising

Hi Kwestone

It's a shame she can't offer you a clearer perspective from her point of view. You'd either be able to say 'Yeah, fair enough. I can see where you're coming from' or 'But you never gave me a chance to develop in the ways you needed me to'. Maybe this cycle's a little different from past ones, where she never actually left on those occasions. I hope this time she at least returns not to end things but to offer a kind of ultimatum. After years of cycling, I found this to be the case with my husband. While I never left, I still offered the type of ultimatum that sounded something along the lines of 'I just can't manage this marriage anymore. It needs to end and begin again in a different way. We need to discuss the roles we're prepared to fill, step up to, and if we can't fill those appointed roles, things really need to end because the level of dis-appointment (of roles) in this marriage just isn't working for either one of us'. So, it's about beginning again in a more conscious way or choosing to end it.

I think that sometimes we can appoint our partner all these roles in our head that we want them to fill or wish they'd fill. I found it's important to completely scrap some of them because they're just too unrealistic. Some of the roles can be depressing, some stressful, some can go against our nature or our partner's nature and so on. Some were just never agreed upon in the first place, they were just expected to be filled. It can be interesting how things play out over time in ways we're not always entirely conscious of. Maybe she'd appointed you certain roles, in her mind, that you were never conscious of. Hard to fill a role you're not conscious of. It's fair to say 'I want you to tell me what you needed from me, that I wasn't conscious of'.

Kwestone

Hi therising

So much of what you’re saying rings true. I reached out to her a few nights ago and basically said after so many years she at least offered me a clear explanation. For the first time she spoke for nearly 10 minutes without me trying to object or defend myself. It was hard to take, but the core message was that she felt that I hadn’t done enough over the years to support her. I agree with some of the things she said but I feel like she’s picked out a few examples and ignored all the times that I have backed her 100 percent. I wish she had told me these things at the time, I wish she’d sat me down and actually talked me through what she’d needed. It’s so hard when you have a partner that won’t open up her emotions. I feel like I’ve had to guess at what she was feeling and I’ve got some of it wrong. Enough wrong to tip the balance. I will for ever be sorry that she didn’t open up and that I didn’t do better. I told her how much I loved her and she asked, “but do you love me or do you love what I do for you?” I couldn’t believe that. After all the years of telling her nearly everyday that I loved her more than anything in the world she feels like that. Honestly I couldn’t have made it clearer. It’s like she’s focussing on a few bad days that I’ve had and ignoring all the times I was there. I accept it but I’ll never understand how in the space of a few weeks we went from being an openly loving verbally and physically couple to this. It hurts so much and I told her that. I told her during that conversation that I didn’t want to hang up the phone because even under these circumstances I loved talking to her. A lot of what I said made her cry but she quickly gathered herself and stuck to her guns. I’m giving up now. The house is on the market and she’s keen to get out. I’ll just have to accept this and try to move on. On my part, that was my last attempt to win her back. I can’t do it anymore .