Feeling Down

[Guest_98533948]

Even if no one responds, I hope this helps someone else and I also find it comforting in posting in these forums to know I’m not alone. 

I’m in my second year of university and I love my degree so so so much but it happens to be in an extremely competitive field. I’m not a naturally smart person so I have to work really hard for good grades and it’s almost impossible trying to juggle a job and uni full time. I live away from my parents with my partner so moneys tight but I know this is a situation for a lot of people (sorry just some context).

I currently have a hospitality job and I work 35 hours a week and get enough money to get by and I work so hard, I’m exhausted by the time I get home and I feel like since it has nothing to do with my degree it’s a waste of time and energy and I feel like I’m ready to move into bigger things. I’ve been applying to any entry level job slightly related to my degree and I get constantly rejected or just false hope in some cases and I really find it hard to not let it get me down. I feel so stuck. I come home crying from being mistreated by customers and tiredness. I just want to escape my job and fast track my degree but obviously I can’t it’s so so frustrating to feel stuck. But I also feel like I’m not good enough or need to work harder but I feel like it’s not physically possible.

Along with this I’m juggling being young and in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we have a perfect relationship except for the riff that our money issues causes us. Even though we are both in tight situations he is a lot worse of due to the life of casual work. But he’s not studying anymore so he is looking for full time work. A lot of my stress comes from lending money to him. I love him with every ounce in my being but I dont feel like I should have to be financially responsible for both of us and the real issue is his gambling and drinking. He participates in excessive gambling and drinking where a single night out will take him out financially and will leave him having nothing left for the week and hence he will rely on me for big or small expenses. I don’t want to say no to him because sometimes it is hard. I know I should stop lending him money but I can’t bring myself to. Also these sums will take weeks and weeks for him to pay back and while he still owes me he continues to gamble and I don’t want to be financially manipulative saying he can’t do what he wants. Any advice or support is appreciated ❤️

[white knight]

Hi welcome,

Oh, wow, I'm so sorry how this must make you feel. I hope I can help and feel free to keep posting here if it helps.

I had some remedies until you confessed to his gambling, lack of income and drinking. That all changed my advice, sadly when a person is actively drinking and gambling a partners hard earned money it becomes not only a serious relationship issue its a moral one as well. So I'll list some concerns -

1. Tiredness. It's well known in our circles that lack of sleep has far wider implications than what we imagine. This adds to your stress and you ability to absorb customer abrasiveness

2. Only you have the power to eliminate your partners lack of respect for his treatment of you

3. Financial strain has a direct negative impact on depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. I've lived that, going week to week without money. I dont think I could tolerate what you are enduring from your partner spending your money. Why is he not caring for your hurt and suffering?

4. A perfect relationship is not perfect with any major flaw. I had a family member in her 70's with Parkinsons disease and bound to the house unless her partner bothered to drive her around. He had a massive gambling problem and made up stories he was going shopping. He'd bring home an item from the supermarket to prove it as she couldnt accuse him. In reality he was going to the TAB horse betting and where did that money come from? A reverse $70,000 mortgage on her house, money meant for renovating her house for her disabilities. He passed with cancer and only then did she learn she had a now $100,000 mortgage with nothing to show for it. It rippled down, She then passed with her illness and the children of course got $100,000 less inheritance. BTW he had nothing to his name, not even enough for burial.

All the signs are that what your partner is doing is plain wrong and unfair. In the scheme of things 18 months is not a long time and I'm well aware of the love factor and the pain you'll endure by separating, plus you'll need to review your housing situation (live with others) to survive financially but your fate will be in your hands and you'll do what everyone deserves to do- care for your own mental health and well being.

BTW You are not being "financially manipulating", you are desiring for him to be financially responsible and move forward together, united in your present and future quality of life.

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're facing so many challenges, to the point of exhaustion and deep questioning. 

I admire you for many reasons. You're in the process of completing a degree you truly love. So, you could say you know who you want to be in the way of career and you're working hard to become that person. Though incredibly challenging for you, I also admire your ability to work with the public. As a 55yo gal, the last time I worked with the public was when I was 20. I found it too stressful and depressing. While there were plenty of customers who were genuinely nice people, there were always those who'd lead me to come home in tears, leaving me questioning 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I cope with this job?'. In hindsight, the right question would have been 'Do I want to continue feeling the elements of a stressful and depressing job?'. Logically, no. These days I'd find working with the public more enraging than anything else, which is why I was happy to work as a FSA (Food Service Assistant) in an aged care facility as my last job. More of a mutually respectful family kinda vibe amongst most staff and residents. I think unless we're prepared to develop some serious skills in emotional detachment (where we can't feel the impact of people's nature), it becomes a matter of 'What kind of job do I want to be feeling?'. 

I'm wondering whether you've considered putting together a budget, so you can see incoming and outgoing money. The reason for mentioning a budget comes down to two factors. 1)It can help you determine the kind of lifestyle or style of life you can afford and 2)it can prove to you and your partner that you can't afford to keep supporting his addictions. Based on a budget, you could see and say 'Yes, I can afford to live out of home, separately from my parents. Yes, I can afford to pay this bill and that bill. Yes, I can afford to incorporate something new into my lifestyle such as a massage once a month (stress release) or an outing to the movies occasionally (entertaining time to yourself) or a catch up with friends. Yes, according to my budget I could manage everything with slightly less income, in a lower paying job in a much happier environment. No, I can't afford a new lifestyle for myself while loaning my partner money for the style or type of life he wants'. Without feeling too bad, you could say to your partner 'Here look at my budget, I literally can't afford to loan you money. See this upcoming bill in August, I gotta keep saving to pay that'. Hard to deny what presents in black and white. An addict may desperately argue 'If you can afford massages and movies then you can afford to loan me money'. The question becomes whether you're prepared to go without the things that are going to lead you to feel less dis-ease or unease in life. Do you want to go on loaning him money while you continue to suffer without some of lifestyle changes you desperately need?❤️