He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

[teaBee]

My boyfriend is an incredible guy. He’s smart and funny and weird, he’s my best friend and I love him so deeply. But my head keeps distorting how I see him. I don’t know if it’s fear or insecurity but my head continues comes up with scenarios that make me feel incredibly hurt. Our relationship wasn’t always this good we’ve had some really rough patches. But we worked together and built something amazing. We will be hanging out as normal and his phone will go off. I immediately think it must be another girl and he’s cheating on me. But it’s not a girl and he’s never given me a reason to believe he would cheat. He actually usually doesn’t really like other girls or many other people at all. I’ll be home alone and he will be out with his friends. So my brain tells me he must be cheating. All the time I think of him saying so many hurtful things to me or leaving me. But then I look at him and he smiles at me with that gorgeous smile and I remember none of it is true. My brain has made an entirely different person and told me it’s him. But it’s not and I don’t know how to make it stop. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Intrusive thoughts can be destructive. I'm from the investigative/legal field and can say that I usually only go by facts and evidence, however I've had a history of intrusive thoughts 35 years ago that nearly destroyed my family until therapy intervened.

In some ways it is pointless trying to change your brain, better to change its course. Like a ship that cant turn direction quickly, steer it with the rudder slowly to get there eventually. So, in a practical sense, diversion is best. Did you know if you got up from the couch and walked to a window or around the block, your eyes, nose, ears, touch and hearing, the 5 senses, all are effected? If you have a pet its more so as your focus changes. 

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Now, thats not the full remedy. Faith in your partner unless evidence comes to prove otherwise is essential. And besides, if he was to become or be a cheater you should tackle it then, not worry now

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

So yes, you seem to have insecurities. Talk to him about them and hoping he helps out with the odd phone call while with friends etc. 

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[teaBee]

Thank you and I like your analogy of a ship. I think I do often just let the thoughts take over and I could handle them better. 

[white knight]

Hi

That's fine, reflection is good, insight is better and it's ok to trip up. Hope you feel good for sharing as those that read here also learn

TonyWK

[Alice_md13]

Hi TeaBee, it's a tough situation you found yourself in. I cannot help but draw a comparison with something similar I find myself from time to time. The most recent being my last relationship when following an amazing birthday celebration I've arranged for my then partner, out of nowhere I got intrusive thoughts about his ex partner and whether his birthday spent with me was better than with her (amongst other thoughts but birthday was the most pressing out of all). I've spent days literally destroying all the good memories of our outing and ultimately our relationship up to that point and had to find a courage to share it with him. He has put my mind at ease at the time but the relationship has never recovered after I've literally activated self destruction mode. What I've learnt from that experience is to not jeopardize something good you've got going unless, like White knight has mentioned, you have a strong evidence to do otherwise. It seems impossible at the time to distract yourself, I know the feeling, I've tried it all, but the nagging thoughts would just not leave my head. I'm getting better at keeping them at bay by moving my focus onto something else. It will fail few times and you'll become irritated more times than you can handle but with the constant practice you'll get better at it. Last night the positive memories of him crept into my mind and were about to flood me (it's only been 3 months since I've broken up with him for reasons to be discussed in narcissistic topics), but instead I've immediately switched my thoughts onto the positive events of that day (a client brought me a bunch of flowers and box of chocolates for my services which made my day) and was able to fall asleep rather than doing my head in. Please try your hardest to not destroy what seems to a good relationship by what you've described it. Go for a walk, call a friend, grab a book, kill some weeds in your garden but chase those thoughts with the passion! In time you'll become a master in it, trust me. You sound like an amazing girl so go and look into the mirror and say to yourself any man worth his salt would kill to be with someone like you, smile and keep your head high!!! All the very best to you and your partner!!!

[teaBee]

Wow that was amazing to read. Thank you so much for the reply. I love him and no matter what I won’t let these thoughts destroy us. 

[benji777]

Im currently breaking up from an SO we have had superb 3 years together however her consistent nature to over react to every difficulty has caused me to be no longer able to trust her.... No trust then no love.

When in your world or her world these cheating ideas are fabricated and no evidence at all exists.

The persons comment about steering a ship is a great one. Another strategy is known as "dont react, instead take a breath and respond".... Google this its a very educating in all aspects of life

[Fern42]

Hello Teabee,

I was just reading your post and I thought it could be worth suggesting to you to read up on attachment styles, specifically anxious attachment. This manifests into our behaviours in relationships and it is likely that this is what you are experiencing given your partner hasn't given you any reason to believe about cheating. There is definitely ways to regulate your nervous system when experiencing these worries and concerned. However I think starting with understanding these attachment styles will help you understand why you are feeling this way. 

[teaBee]

When it comes to my relationship I worry about everything. That I’m not good enough. That he’ll leave one day. I am constantly over thinking and it’s caused fights between us. He loves me but it feels like my brain just can’t believe it. I hate being like this. And it makes things so hard for him. I feel guilty that I’m constantly worried or suspicious but I don’t know how to make it stop. We had a massive fight last night and it was all because I invaded his privacy. I don’t even know why I did it. I feel so defeated and mad at myself. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I know where you are at, hope I can help. Your f1st step has been taken, well done coming here.

From my lived experience it seems I once shared the following and found answers. Here goes- worry is non productive it will cause you ulcers, trust is better assumed and exercised until proven otherwise, guilt can be damaging and not knowing why you act like you do means all the above is out of control. Negative thinking can be reversed but take more effort. Your temperament and/or DNA is your nature and they are the things you cant change so separate them and embrace them. However, on a positive note these flaws are fixable and within reach. During the process of change needed, your partner by your side will help especially if he is supportive and accepting of your efforts.

The following threads relate specifically to each issue. All you need to do is read the 1st post of each thread.

Worry- Worry, worry worry - Beyond Blue Forums - 87808

Guilt- GUILT the tormentor - Beyond Blue Forums - 321604

Negative thinking- 30 minutes can change your life - Beyond Blue Forums - 154525

Your temperament- Your temperament - Beyond Blue Forums - 256585

Your DNA (your character- DNA what you cant change - Beyond Blue Forums - 296595

But there is lines to draw. Eg my ex partner criticsed me for having a passion, a hobby that I spent much time on. When we went to counselling she was asked if she had a passion, she didnt and therein lies that issue, that ha she had a passion she would not have been so critical.

And arguments? This pledge to each other could defuse them- Relationship strife? the peace pipe - Page 2 - Beyond Blue Forums - 315496

Reply anytime

TonyWK