Going through a breakup after 7 years

[Guest221]

Hi, it’s been 2 weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me and is currently moving out of our house. He has said we can stay friends after all this middle stuff is sorted out but I feel like it might be too hard. He has said he doesn’t feel the same way he used to, and only today has brought up that the love he feels for me isn’t the same either. I’m left heart broken and really need some people to talk to me and help me get through this. I am 26 and he is 28. we have both been living together for almost 3 years but he is away for work a lot and I’m constantly alone and away from my family.

[Croix]

Dear Guest221~

It is good to hear from you again, welcome back. I'm only sorry it is in such heart-breaking circumstances.

If I remember correctly your relationship has had difficulties, and while you were prepared to believe a lot of the problems stemmed from your own lack of confidence and jealousies, plus too much time alone wihtout full time work, I did not think then you were totally correct.

He worked away and you were, I thought, justifiably upset with his social media activities with others, including other females.

Talking together did not seem to resolve the issue, only arguments always along those same lines

Now he has left and spoke of the totally unrealistic idea that a friendship could continue " after all this middle stuff is sorted out". This sounds to me like a sop to his own conscience, and most unlikely to happen - your faith in him has been totally broken.

At a time like this there is not only an overwhelming grief and sense of loss, but also unfortunately a tendency to look to yourself and feel that in some way you were the cause due to some form of inadequacy. While nobody is perfect I'd strongly suspect it is not just you.

Can I suggest that firstly you seek support, if you can find a member of your family or a friend to share this burden with you that will be all to the good. Trying to cope in isolation is extra hard and allows inappropriate self-doubt to grow.

Secondly I'd mention talking with those that have a lot of experience with this situation

https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/

They have ideas, tools and on-line councilors if you wish. Perhaps have look at their website and see what you think.

All though your previous conversations you kept feeling you may have been suffering from some form of anxiety. It would be good to get that matter settled - forgive me if you have already done so.

To be diagnosed by a professional rather than just your own feelings can lead, if needed, to medical support which, as I know, can be very effective.

The other thing I would like to know, if you do not mind, is if you are still in part-time work? As you pointed out this does not keep you busy enough to occupy your mind, leaving you to dwell on things.

I do hope you do get some support and get to see the relationship with perspective.

Please say how you are going

Croix

[WaterFront]

Hi Guest221,

I am very sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I am new to this forum so not sure what advice to give. It is a lot for you to take in and process and I expect you are feeling a range of difficult emotions. Please know that you are not alone and there are many people here who will listen and talk to you and offer support to you. I wonder if now might be the time to reach out to your family as well if that is possible for you to do?

Take care.

WaterFront

[geoff]

Hello Guest221, from what you have told us it seems as though as he is away for work, other untoward situations may have happened, which doesn't help you in maintaining a relationship.

Love can only go both ways, one way can't hold two people together no matter how much you love them, because what this means is that what you do creates joy and happiness and encourages the other person to counteract some pleasure you desire and when this doesn't happen, then you need to make a decision on whether or not you want to remain together, I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

We are here for you and want to help you through this, so please take care.

Geoff.

[Guest221]

Thankyou for your quick reply. Currently I am in part time work but I do work full time hours. My family all live in another state and after my lease ends I am planning on moving back home (mainly because he says I can’t afford to stay by myself) They have been contacting me and supporting me through messages and calls which has really helped but being alone in a house I once shared with someone I love is making things harder. Since the last post I made about 3 years ago, I thought we had got past the worst, being long distance (where communication just isn’t great for us) he told me to come move in with him and since then have adopted both a cat and a dog. We have been happy for the most part. He is my besfriend and someone I came home to everyday. We spent a lot of time together out on the boat and doing all the things we loved. We have had our ups and downs but I’d like to say we had come a long way and we were just working out the tweeks of living together for the first time. Last year he went over seas for work for 8 months, during the corona virus. Meaning he was there longer then planned and I could not visit him to make the long stint of being apart a bit more bearable. We had a few arguments while he was away and I was struggling to be by myself for so long. We almost ended it there but we didn’t want to be to hasty as it was a big call and wouldn’t have been right to do while being away from each other. While he was away we both expressed we didn’t feel as close and he also said he wasn’t feeling the same. But I did put it down to being apart for so long and that we would get through it...which I thought we did. He came back wanting to make it work and for a few months we were honestly very happy. He cuddled me every night and told me he loved me. He wrote posts about me on social media. We did a lot of fun things together. He brought me gifts. Everything seemed fine. But when he broke up with me 2 weeks ago he said that he has been wanting to for a while and has just been trying to find the right time. I am just so shocked that he led me on for so long even though he wasn’t feeling the same. I was left with no idea because he was treating me so well and even helped support me when I brought my first brand new car. I am now left feeling so heart broken that the guy I saw my future with feels like a stranger now but I have to respect his decision as much as it hurts me

[Guest221]

Hello Thankyou for your reply

i have been in contact with family through messages and calls but at this stage have not yet seen them as they live in another state. I do plan on moving back home at the end of my lease, which I think will help a lot being with family

[Guest221]

Thankyou for your reply Geoff

it is very difficult to love someone so much more then they love you, i am still coming to terms with it all as it really feels like everything has been swept from under me. The future I had pictured for the last 8 years is now gone and I am left without my best friend. I feel as though we are now strangers and we hardly talk but I know it’s for the best and it wasn’t easy for him to end it