Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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ReeCar123 New relationship with old baggage
  • replies: 7

Hi All, I would love to get some advice if you are happy to share. I have been in a new relationship with a lovely man for a few months. We knew each other for some time and all of a sudden, it "clicked". We are amazing when we spend quality time tog... View more

Hi All, I would love to get some advice if you are happy to share. I have been in a new relationship with a lovely man for a few months. We knew each other for some time and all of a sudden, it "clicked". We are amazing when we spend quality time together and we are both in love with each other. The problem is that he had only just finalised the separation from his wife before we clicked. He is absolutely sure it was the right thing to do and I am also not a rebound because we have spoken about that and future plans. The last month, however, he has realised that although he had lived apart from his ex-wife for a while, he hadn't yet really dealt with his baggage. Now he feels a bit worse for wear and although he knows he will need to move through and out, it's a bit hard on us. We've had to dial back a lot and are kind of taking baby steps. He is not as forthcoming with his emotional professions and needs a lot of space to deal with raw emotions. Just to clarify, he is not playing with me and slowly leaving, he's honestly struggling to deal with his baggage and his new relationship. I think the main reasons as I understand from him are feelings of failure, loss of the concept of marriage, inadequacy and guilt. I am trying to be understanding which he is grateful for. But I find it hard because I know how great we were and how hot and cold it is at the moment whenever he goes through his ups and downs. I have no doubt he still wants a future with me but I am not sure how to cope and what to do in this situation. I asked whether we should not see each other for a while so he can work through this but he looked very sad and said he would still want to see me, he just cannot move forward very quickly right now. Although I am doing my best to cater to his needs, I have my own, too. I miss a little bit of romance and it seems like most of the effort is coming from me. He seems a little self-centred and inconsiderate right now. I don't like that and that isn't the real him. How do we best manage this time until his biggest lot of baggage has lightened a bit? I do not want to break up because everyone has baggage and I know eventually he will shed some of it. I want to wait and work with him, I am just not sure how. Should I just be patient or can I say what I need even if he is incapable of catering to a lot of it? How can we make this work in the interim so that we get out the other end together? Does anyone have good tips and advice? Thank you in advance!

al_stuck Unsure where to go with my relationship?
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together since Oct 2016. In my option, it’s a very casual relationship: we still don’t live together and we only see each other every other day. He understands what I want in life: to settle down, start a family and this is... View more

My partner and I have been together since Oct 2016. In my option, it’s a very casual relationship: we still don’t live together and we only see each other every other day. He understands what I want in life: to settle down, start a family and this is something he has understood since very early days. However he doesn’t want to start a family. About a year ago - I sat down with him and said point blank that if he doesn’t want to start a family then what’s the point of being in a long term relationship? I gave him an ultimatum - if by our fifth anniversary, he still feels as though he doesn’t want to settle down and start a family then I need to walk away from this relationship as it isn’t doing in the direction I need it to go (at the end of the day, I feel as though I’m wasting my time). We have had a conversation about this again this morning and he is still feeling the way of he doesn’t want to start a family, he never wants to. It’s been this way since we first started talking about it - I don’t want children and to settle down right this very second however I want to make sure the person I’m spending my time with wants what I want or why am I still here? We still have over a years time before we reach our fifth anniversary however I just feel like I’m wasting time in a relationship where we don’t want the same thing. He did mention it is something he is thinning another regularly so leads me to think that he may not change his mind? Has anyone been in the same situation that can provide some advice or just in general provide some advice? I just don’t know what to do anymore with my relationship?

Kezia_Katherine New here, feeling strange
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I’ve just joined this group and am interested in knowing other people’s thoughts. My partner of 8 years (and father to our son) has just started meds for anxiety and depression. This is after months or possibly years of not really enjoyi... View more

Hi everyone, I’ve just joined this group and am interested in knowing other people’s thoughts. My partner of 8 years (and father to our son) has just started meds for anxiety and depression. This is after months or possibly years of not really enjoying anything, and eventually feelings of extreme lowness. Everything came to a head a few weeks ago. Amongst other things, my security and confidence in our relationship has been shattered. Now that he has been diagnosed and has started medication, I feel some relief, however am feeling very anxious myself. This is ultimately what I’m posting about; I don’t feel like myself. I feel consumed with concern for him and what he’s thinking, and how he sees our relationship. Because I’m anxious I feel I am being unnatural, and boring. I have nothing to talk about, and when I do, I feel like I’m trying too hard. I’m worried he has doubts about us, and that is is exacerbated by me being a shadow of my former self. He has started seeing a psychologist alongside his gp. I am speaking to an individual counsellor and we are seeing a couples’ counsellor. I’m thinking I’ll talk to my gp about possible meds for myself to get me through this time so I can function more normally, and try to have fun with my son. Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

gabi227 Alcoholic Mother
  • replies: 1

I am 21 and live with my parents. I have a great relationship with my dad, but not really with my mum. She is an alcoholic, but she won’t admit it. She drinks an entire bottle of wine every night by herself. When she is drunk she becomes really mean ... View more

I am 21 and live with my parents. I have a great relationship with my dad, but not really with my mum. She is an alcoholic, but she won’t admit it. She drinks an entire bottle of wine every night by herself. When she is drunk she becomes really mean and rude to my dad and I. She’s been like this my entire life but it’s becoming too much. I also struggle with mental illnesses so it’s difficult to cope with her on top of everything else. I have tried to talk to her about her drinking but she just becomes defensive and mean. I know alcoholism runs in her family and she didn’t have a great childhood, but it’s hard to be empathetic to this when I’m actually living and dealing with the complications of this. It’s extra tricky due to me now having to work from home because of the virus as I’m home everyday now. Moving out is not an option for me at the moment either as I don’t earn enough and am a uni student. I also don’t want to move out and leave my dad with her, because she does also become violent towards him and mean and I don’t want to leave him with her. I’m just really struggling at the moment. I have an older sister who has moved out, but she doesn’t like to talk about it. I also can’t go visit friends or anyone due to the virus.

KV77 Step Dad break up IVO
  • replies: 3

Hi all, My name is Kris, and I guess I am here for some advice and maybe to find some hope. I was with my ex partner (DeFacto) and my step son for over 6 years until a week ago. Two weeks ago my partner went to a mutual female friends house for a vis... View more

Hi all, My name is Kris, and I guess I am here for some advice and maybe to find some hope. I was with my ex partner (DeFacto) and my step son for over 6 years until a week ago. Two weeks ago my partner went to a mutual female friends house for a visit, I was fine about it and encouraged her to go. I had not heard from her for 7 hours and sent her an sms asking if she was having a good night. After several more hours she called and said that she did not answer to me and if I persisted she would call the police. She did not come home for days and when she did gave me an ultimatum, if I still looked after herson when she worked I could stay and if not I was to leave. She then went to work and came back very sporadically over the next 5 days. Days later I messaged her and said I was happy to stay and look after my step son whilst she worked only until I could move out or I could move out within 8 weeks (Covid19 world). I heard nothing, and the next thing I know I have Police calling me telling me to pick up an interim intervention order they received from the courts.....wth! Freaking out, I never had this before, I did not understand on which grounds? I picked up the order and was told not to go hone and was homeless. A friend booked a hotel for me which is where I am typing this from now. I read the allegations and was horrified by the content, a threat of physical harm, allegation of letting her dog loose and starving her son :(. Heart broken I crumbled, the conditions are standard but I am not to answer any calls from her and my step son who has been at his dad's the during the whole event, I never got to say goodbye to him :( My step son comes home and rings me constantly leaving messages to call him back and he wants to see me and I can't answer or reply. In one voicemail he states that he asked his mum if it was ok to call me and she said yes, is she trying to bait me?

Sarah86 Parental visitation during isolation
  • replies: 6

Hi, I’m having a bit of an issue at the moment and I don’t know where else to seek validation of my decision. I have 2 kids. One of who suffers with asthma. I have taken time off work and kept them home from school the last week and a half. Normally ... View more

Hi, I’m having a bit of an issue at the moment and I don’t know where else to seek validation of my decision. I have 2 kids. One of who suffers with asthma. I have taken time off work and kept them home from school the last week and a half. Normally they would go to their dads for dinner 2 nights and week and stay overnight 1 night per fortnight. He lives very close by. Doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with them and mostly they don’t want to go. My issue currently is that I’m a bit hesitant to let them go to his place at the moment as he has moved his girlfriend and her 3 school aged kids into his house. Her kids go between their grandparents and their dads a lot. Both my ex and his girlfriend are still working also. I know the rules state that the people you live with don’t count. But that’s 7 people in a 3 bedroom house. I feel it’s putting my kids at risk. I am not letting them play with friends or see anyone at the moment. I have told my ex he is welcome to come here and see them whenever he wants. Am I being unreasonable? I’m not trying to keep them from him, I’m just trying to keep them safe. We aren’t even seeing my parents at the moment who are in their 70s as it’s too risky. I’m uncomfortable sending them into that environment at the moment. there are no court orders.

Reading Overwhelmed and alone
  • replies: 3

Hi, Im not sure what i can do to fix myself, my husband and I with our 2 year old daughter are currently living at my parents place and have been for the last 2 and a bit years. During this time we have had numerous big arguements and in almost all o... View more

Hi, Im not sure what i can do to fix myself, my husband and I with our 2 year old daughter are currently living at my parents place and have been for the last 2 and a bit years. During this time we have had numerous big arguements and in almost all of them my mother has intervened telling me to calm down, and shut up we can hear you at the main house. This leaves me feeling extremely upset. My husband has asked if im okay on numerous occasions and asked for me to tell him when im not feeling okay. In our latest fight, my mother intervened again, when she left and i told my husband i was stressed as he asked me to do he completely ignored me and continued to argue with. Even when i completely broke down. Please help me fix myself, i don't know what im doing wrong. I feel alone.

Scarebear Newby
  • replies: 1

Hi there, Decided to go to beyondblue because I am struggling with a lot of issues. Firstly my two adult children, fight continually like little children. Especially now with the coronavirus shut down. It is really putting me down and making me more ... View more

Hi there, Decided to go to beyondblue because I am struggling with a lot of issues. Firstly my two adult children, fight continually like little children. Especially now with the coronavirus shut down. It is really putting me down and making me more anxious and depress. My son has anxiety and depression and is diagnosed with Aspergers (Autism). He is in his early twenties and really struggles to find and maintain friendships. His sister happily tells him how much she dislikes him nearly every day, which she does not care. My daughter struggles with anxiety because she says it is from her Father and brother and most likely me. She is fresh out of high school and has been isolated from her small amount of friends she has decided to keep. My husband has cancer and so is scared stiff of getting coronavirus. He watches, read and listens to the updates witch increases his anxiety. Plus his monthly treatment causes his anxiety to increase. I am also sure he has depression but will not admit to that. He is a social body and isolating is killing him. So with all that, I am still working as a support worker, and trying to be the rock of the family. Unfortunately that rock is slowing getting smaller. Tonight I could actually walk away and never return. So that is me.

Ace1988 Covid cabin fever
  • replies: 1

Single mum here to an 11 year old boy. Is anyone else copping a lot of trouble from their kids? My son isn’t coping well at all and unfortunately I’m directly in the firing line. The hatred he has towards me is heart breaking, honestly, I don’t know ... View more

Single mum here to an 11 year old boy. Is anyone else copping a lot of trouble from their kids? My son isn’t coping well at all and unfortunately I’m directly in the firing line. The hatred he has towards me is heart breaking, honestly, I don’t know how long I can deal with it for. He said he doesn’t want to be here anymore and wants to live with his dad, which is not the best place for him to be. mum exhausted, mentally. Every thing is a fight. I understand that our worlds have been flipped upside down. We’ve gone from me working everyday and him being at school and having extra curricular activities to being housebound (with the occasional walk/bike ride and shopping trip), but holy crap it’s hard. My anxiety is so heightened at the moment every morning as I don’t know when/if he will lose it. I’m sick of walking on eggshells. I’ve been lenient with rules and whatnot to try and accomodate for the changes but I still have rules in the house. I’m overwhelmed and extremely upset.

ReeCar123 So emotionally exhausted, fighting against the urge to give up
  • replies: 1

Hi, I am trying to keep some sort of relationship up and running that is strongly impacted by my partner's mental health. He is an avoidant attachment style and has significantly suffered after separation from his wife despite him separating. He says... View more

Hi, I am trying to keep some sort of relationship up and running that is strongly impacted by my partner's mental health. He is an avoidant attachment style and has significantly suffered after separation from his wife despite him separating. He says he feels nothing at the moment and I can see the closeness between us deteriorating. He wants to see me but it is only half a day a week because he has this constant urge to seek "safety" at home. I am trying my best to be understanding and supportive and he is very happy with my support. But I am anxious by nature and I am currently learning a lot about what in my childhood caused me to become an anxiously attached person. I actively challenge my behaviour always reminding myself of what a secure person would do in that moment and trying to self-regulate. I am trying to learn to self-soothe as well. I feel I am doing a lot to work on myself and to support my partner and not cause any unnecessary pressure. But I feel like my resilience is fading away and I am just so incredibly sad and heartbroken. I just cannot see how this will ever get better with him, he is working hard on getting better for himself but it seems so self-absorbed. I have needs too and I told him that. He said I can tell him that and we need to communicate but also that he may need to say no because he feels uncomfortable. I feel I am always giving more than I receive and I am now very confused whether this is just my anxiety talking or whether it is a real lack of him trying to meet me halfway as we agreed. I am just so unhappy but I don't want to give up because we have fought so hard to get here and I feel I cannot leave now. But I cannot go on like this either. How do I become more resilient and more hopeful again. I feel so emotionally drained and I am not very kind to myself most of the time. I thought I was going well in my new-found determination to change for the better now that I understand where my anxiety comes from. But today I feel like I have experienced a massive step backwards and I have just been really unhappy and negative all day. What can I do?