Giving up

[Guest_15188171]

We have been in a sexless marriage for at least the last 15 years, but I suspect longer. Have been married for over 35 years. 
Sex just stopped immediately when menopause hit. No explanation, no communication, just intamacy was off the agenda. So for the last 15 years my sex life has been like this. No sex at all for 6 months and I try my hardest not to react and don't pressure her,

 but this  amount of time seems to be my limit. I try and convince myself not to react but end up asking why there is no sex. She goes absolutely apeshit at me and then the next 2 days are unbaraeable. She then initiates make up sex and then no sex again for 6 months and so the cycle continues. I have begged and pleaded to know what is going on but she will not tell me. During this time she has told me that there is nothing wrong with a sexless marriage, that she never ever feels like sex and then this final recent comment which was the straw that broke the camel's back when she said there are things she could investigate to help regain her libido but she just can't be bothered. That’s when I gave up. This was only a few weeks ago. I was unbroken for 15 years but now I am a mess.

I'll just add that in the bedroom I have been replaced by her phone which can keep her amused for hours. No hugs, no kiss goodbye night, nothing

i might add that apart from sex things are great. We run together, attend a gym 6 days a week, go and see bands, go out for tea. I could go on.

In desperation last week I arranged for us to see a therapist. I knew that I was pretty fragile but thought I had nothing to lose. The therapist listened, but went straight into recovery mode and suggested sheduled sex. No sure why, but I lost the plot completely and howled like a baby, had to leave the room and couldn't go back in. Probably a fault of mine but I haven't cried since I was a teenager so for me to break down was pretty serious. 
Since then things have been terrible. I cant exercise, hitting the beers and just eating junk. I have just given up. We have had a few discussions since, but my wife says she has done nothing wrong and that I have the problem. The i

one pisitive is she finally told me why there is no sex and that's because if menopause , work pressure and kids. Shit, if she had just told me that once over the last 15 years I maybe could have helped.

Trying not to be flippant, but its only sex, but this has just broken me. I am so unbelievably sad and at a total loss as to what to do

I an not interested in separating and being truthful I am just resigned to a dead becroom and unhappiness. I have mates, many interests and a couple of great grandchildren who make me very happy. I just miss the closeness.

Apologise if that was a bit of a rant but I needed to have somewhere to get it off my chest.

[Croix]

Dear new member~

Welcome to the Forum, I hope being here’s of some help.

You sound a most loving, patient, forgiving and tolerant person and I think your wife is lucky to have you as a partner.

As you know sex with one’s long-time partner is not just about physical activity and satisfaction, it includes intimacy and affection - and maybe occasionally fun.

Your wife appears from what you say to have no interest in sex at all, perhaps as she said due to menopause, work stress and kids.  It may well be that sex is no longer part of her life. In itself that may not be doing anything wrong, it is just physical reaction to circumstances.

Similarly you are doing nothing wrong, far from it, your natural desire for sex and the intimacy that goes with it being cut off leaves you in a most unhappy position, and you seem to have handled it with great patience despite feelings of loss.

I went through an extended period due to surgery and medication where sex was irrelevant to my life, not only no capability, but no desire, no interest. My partner of course remained as before and found this change very hard to take.

This made me feel very guilty, and inadequate.  In order not to arouse my partner I avoided any situation that might lead to a desire for intimacy, and maybe you wife might have the same feeling and initially used the phone in bed as a barrier, though over time I expect it took on a life of its own.  I pretended to be asleep.

I can understand your reaction to the physiologist, the very idea of sex being a mechanical operation conducted to the timing of a stranger would have emphasized the lack of affection involved. Straight physical activity is not enough and may even be repugnant.

As you get on well with your wife in other activities and it might have been more productive for the psych to have tried to persuade your wife to investigate if any libido could be regained, not for her sake but for yours. She may not have realized how important her trying or other signs of affection was to you.

It is very easy for someone in her position to become defensive and even argumentative if such matters are raised.

Perhaps her making that gesture mean’s so much to you, as does the other acts of intimacy, such as kissing goodnight.

In the meantime please hold on to hope that things can change and go back to doing the things you did before with your interests and mates, - even if you don’t feel like it right now.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such a challenging time in your life and your marriage. My heart truly goes out to you. 

Not sure if it would help to know but as a 55yo female who's been married to the same guy for 23 years, I found it's not that sex lost meaning at some point, I discovered it was more so about what it means needing to change. To clarify, if it used to mean being close and loving and that same closeness and loving feeling isn't as intense as it used to be, the question becomes 'What does sex or intimacy need to mean to me now in order for it to work?'. Or one could question 'What can I use it for, as a resource?'. To offer a handful of examples, you could ask

• 'Can I have it inspire me/her, to stretch the imagination?'. It's like you could either go to see a band play together or imagine you're both meeting each other for the first time and you're chatting her up. What you both may experience is a sense of amusement and a sense of flirtation and see how that feels
• 'Can I/she rely on it to produce a few laughs, instead of it being serious and intense all the time?'. In other words, can it act as a natural antidepressant
• 'Can I use it to relax me/her, as a form of stress release or relief, and see where that relaxed feeling leads?'
• 'Can I/she use it as a way of feeling a course of energy run through my/her body?'. From the intense energy beginning at the base, moving up to feel butterflies in the stomach, to becoming heart racing and then breathtaking, it can be something we feel move through us if the goal is to become conscious enough to feel the course it takes

  and the list goes on. 

For you to have experienced that reaction in the therapist's office, sex/intimacy obviously means more to you than you may have initially realised. It's an incredible type of energy and a one of a kind type when experienced with a committed partner. There is no replicating it, alone or with any other person. I can't help but wonder if there are elements of grief when it comes to losing that. When there are certain things that bring us to life, we can truly miss being brought to life in such ways. 

Hmmm, scheduled times, what can I say?🤔 If I was feeling having lost what was once spontaneous, exciting, natural and more, there'd be nothing quite like someone suggesting what's not spontaneous, what not exciting and what's not natural. They'd have missed the mark completely. While scheduled intimacy may work for some, it definitely won't work for everyone. And while hormonal factors may be part of the issue for why things aren't working for one partner, what could work (under the circumstances) most likely won't be a schedule.